When I decided to write about temper and anger, I was motivated by my confusion over why I can instantly switch from a relatively calm and pleasant mood to outrage — especially now that I no longer want to.
When I was younger, that surge of adrenaline served a purpose. I felt justified, fully alive, and manly. My mother used to tell me that I would get ulcers from all the anger I expressed, though I somehow managed to keep it just below the level of physically harming things, others, or myself. In those moments of outrage — when I would shout, clench my fists, and turn red — it shifted from anger to temper. The control I had was lost, except for avoiding physical damage. Somehow, something inside me set that as a threshold I wouldn’t cross. However, until now, I didn’t really understand how or why these mood swings and resulting reactions occurred within me.
After discussing my topic with my writing partners, Wal sent me an anger schematic from ChatGPT that outlined how psychologists explain anger. In step three, it identified the role our thoughts and interpretations play in influencing anger:
“This isn’t fair.”
“I’m being treated badly.”
“They shouldn’t have done that.”
Yes! That described me perfectly. I’ve written before about my addiction to fairness, but I never made the connection between it and my anger.
After more back-and-forth discussions with Wal about how strongly this resonated with both of us, he sent me another document from the same source on anger and unfairness. In the first section, it discussed the violation of expectations: “Humans constantly predict how things should work.” Again — Yes! That is frequently how my mind works. I often judge what people should be doing, or should have done, based on my perception of what is right, good, and best for everyone. The document went on to explain that when we perceive unfairness and cannot fix it, we become even more frustrated. Here, I would add: “which can result in loss of temper.”
I continued thinking about this and how it applies to my daily life. For example, there are times when I get frustrated with Duke on a neighborhood walk and times when I don’t. Same walk, same Duke behavior — but clearly different expectations from Hen!
Then I turned to Gemini and went back and forth with it until it clearly understood what I was asking. It suggested that anger often results from moving “fairness” from a social preference to a moral identity. “When fairness is a core value rather than a casual expectation, a violation feels less like an inconvenience and more like an assault on your worldview.”
YES!!!!
A core value is part of what defines us. It is a belief that feels non-negotiable and, ironically, is most easily identified when it is violated and we react with anger. Now I have a much clearer understanding of why I become angry and why those conditions can lead to my temper. This realization is a huge help as I work to reduce these instances.
There is much more in the research that I chose not to explore in this post. Anger can be both helpful and harmful. There are ways to manage it once we understand where it comes from. There is also much to learn about understanding our sphere of influence so we can better reserve our energy for what truly matters.
That final piece is my quest. Now that I better understand why I feel anger and frustration at certain behaviors, I can begin to accept and release those that matter least and are essentially out of my control. My desire to hold people accountable for their “unfair” actions must be guided by choosing to act only on those that matter most. And when I change my thoughts from expectations into preferences, I find that most situations are undeserving of the weight I normally give them.
“Anybody can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy.” – Aristotle
Well Tempered Response
We start by being birthed into a world we don’t understand – and spend the rest of our lives trying to figure it out… generally in the company of others. Reciprocity is one of the first guiding lessons we learn. It’s no wonder fair dealing becomes a ‘core value’, as Hen explains. Do you remember that as a kid, the lowest insult was to be called a cheater – a claim that started many sandlot fights?
I completely agree with Hen’s comments about unfairness, predictability, and anger. Quite recently, I observed a car sail through a four-way stop and then sail through the next stop sign as well. The person did not speed through the intersections, nor did the person slow down. Rather, it was as though the stop signs were simply ignored.
My first reaction was “Wow, that was unsafe – someone could have gotten hurt”. However, my second reaction was “What disrespect”! Seems like I’m the one who felt disrespected – their violation of norms was a slap in the face to my compact with fellow humans – an agreement to have fair dealing. I wanted to follow the car; to see who would ignore our contract – what did they look like, maybe get eye contact, express judgement. I was getting angry.
The very next day, I observed a person drive into our bank’s parking lot through the exit lane. The exit and entrance to the bank are separated and channeled, requiring two separate turns. The person parked and nonchalantly walked into the bank. It was apparent that the person was familiar with the traffic pattern, but chose to ignore it. It might have even taken more effort to approach the wrong way. So why?
In both cases, I pronounced the behavior as “unfair”. (Sure, there might have been extenuating circumstances, but I usually rush to judgement first and employ consideration after the fact). It felt like a violation of my worldview – and I feel pretty attached to my worldview. Ah, “attachment” – I believe that is the key word. The more attached I feel, the more I’m emotionally bound to either joy or anger. Maybe I should find some distance and uncouple from my rules of fairness?
I wonder if cultivating detachment – letting things go – is a cure for anger? Or is it simply insulation from caring deeply?
Anger Management
I don’t usually get visibly angry by shouting or throwing things anymore and as I aged my anger became more of an annoyance than real anger. At least that was the degree to which I experience anger mostly these days. As a scrawny young kid, I was always picked on and bullied by the older and bigger kids and I discovered after a lot of hit and miss that the best way for me to survive these attacks was not to get angry but rather to show indifference. If I gave the appearance of not getting rattled the bullies would get bored and move on to their next victim. As I made my way through high school and then college, I found that particular approach was especially effective for me, saved me a lot of grief and bugged the hell out of those who enjoyed harassing little people into tears. So that was my “go to” place for dealing with anger and the situations that became more annoying than upsetting to me.
Now however, and recently the anger has been building up beyond the point of annoyance. It is happening all around me all over our country. It came to a head today because of an event that occurred. My partner and I had to go to Hannaford’s for some groceries. Kingston has many homeless people, some of whom beg on the street corners. I have often stopped and given them a ten or a twenty dollar bill. Some friends of mine yell at me and tell me they are only going to use that money for booze or drugs. They may be right but I figure if it gives them any kind of pleasure for a few moments it was worth the investment. As we pulled up to Hannaford’s today there was a young woman sitting on the pavement with her dog and a sign that said they were homeless. I think it was the dog’s presence that really touched our hearts. We stopped and engaged her in conversation and gave her a little cash then went about our shopping. We decided to get the dog some cans of food, some water, and some biscuits. We checked out and brought the bag of dog goodies over to her. She was so appreciative, she teared up and thanked us profusely. Here is where my entire theory went to Hell. We got back in the car, my partner and I were in tears as we saw her open one of the tins of dog food and feed it to the beautiful animal. My annoyance level went off the chart and anger slammed my in the face. With no outlet to release these horrible feelings I became so enraged thinking that in this country people can’t afford to live safely, health insurance is being denied to many citizens, people are starving, and our president and Congress are more concerned with a ballroom, a slush fund to pay the insurrectionists for their lost wages, giving this president carte blanche to allocate that money anyway he wants and he cannot be have his taxes examined or any other oversight into what is going on. Add that to an unnecessary war, one in which the outcome cannot be as good as the situation was before it ever started! I haven’t been this angry in decades. AND, I don’t know what to do with my anger.
Three Old Guys Walked Into A Bar 