Dash Theory

Loss is constantly on my mind.  My family has shrunk to 3 people, myself and my two kids.  I have outlived everyone in my family with the exception of 3 spinster aunts who lived well into their nineties, but everybody in my immediate family passed by the age of 74. And everyone is gone now!  Hitting 80 in a few months kind of scares the living daylights out of me but it is what it is.  This has been a year of loss for me.  I have lost friends, colleagues, former students, and other folks who were in my life over the years and though I know it is the natural progression of things it is still difficult to accept.  The uncertainty, of when and how it will occur to me is ever present on my mind.  Not only has my human family shrunk, but my furry family has also with the latest loss being that of my 18 year old kitty.  I got her and her sibling when I was running the inn in 2007 and they were faithful critters up to the end.  Just last week I woke up to find her stiff body resting in her cute little bunny bed but totally unresponsive.  Eighteen years is a long time to enjoy the company of a furry pet and though her brother passed 2 years earlier, her passing was particularly hard.  My psychic daughter called that morning and asked if my kitty was ok and I told her what happened.  She said she knew because kitty actually came to her overnight to say goodbye.  Two days later, I was awakened by the sound of her soft meow telling me she was hungry!  My daughter assured me that her passing was easy and there was no pain involved. That comforted me. The point of all this is that my circle of people in my life is shrinking!  That scares me but that isn’t the reason I am writing about this!  I have a tendency to wallow in the negative though try as I might my glass is definitely emptying   Living alone now just with my dog, I have no one to bounce my fears off or to tell me things will be all right, so my imagination can run wild for long periods of time.

But something strange happened recently.  Hen, Wal and I have a fraternity brother who we hear from every now and then.  He is currently in the process of relocating permanently from his home here in the north to his condo in Florida.  He was just here for a short visit in October and then returned to Florida.  I got a desperate call from him at the end of the month asking me for a favor.  With all the confusion they were dealing with, they forgot to pick up their absentee ballots to vote and wondered if I could go immediately to the Board of Elections, pick up their ballots and mail it down to them ASAP.  The ballots had to be postmarked within 4 days of his request.  Off I went, picked up the ballots, ran to the post office and sent them out certified mail.  Make a long story short, they received them in 3 days and made sure they were postmarked by the required cut off date, and all was good with the world.  About 3 days later, I get a lovely thank you card with a $20 check in it thanking me for doing them that favor.  I called immediately and yelled at Larry for thinking he could buy me that cheaply…….Not really!  It just wasn’t necessary.  I told him about my poor kitty and we were chatting when he asked me if I ever heard of the Dash Theory.  I never heard of such a thing so he proceeded to ask me if I have ever read a tombstone in the cemetery.  Of course I have!  He said what usually comes after the person’s name.  I said usually the year of the person’s birth and the year of the person’s death.  He asked me if that was all and my response was “pretty much.”  He asked if I noticed anything else.  Still not registering anything, he asked what usually comes between the birth and death year?  I said a “DASH?”  He responded, “Exactly.

So where was this going?  Then he asked me what I thought was most important, the dates of birth and death or the dash.  HMMM- was this a trick question?  I never remembered Larry being so philosophical but damn, I had to think and search my brain for an answer.  I had to admit it is what happens between those 2 dates that tells the person’s life story. .Who was that person?  What did he or she do during those two dates to distinguish him or her from everybody else?  We ended the phone call but I couldn’t stop my mind from racing.  I started thinking about my own life.  I knew my year of birth, I started reminiscing about my family life when I was a kid, sometimes difficult, sometimes painful, but I always felt loved and supported. Teen years were difficult but most people experienced difficulty in their teens.  I moved on, went away to college, settled away from home to start my family and began teaching elementary school.  Whoever would have thought that 35 years later I would retire from that profession feeling proud of what I accomplished over those 35 years. I made deep and lasting friendships not only with colleagues but with former students who I still see to this day.  And as if that weren’t enough upon retiring from teaching I began a second career as an innkeeper in Vermont where I made new friends and met people from all over the world, innkeeper of the year in 2010 for the state of Vermont. Actually elementary school and innkeeping aren’t really all that different cause the men really do act a lot like little kids!  SHHHH- don’t tell anybody I said that.  I also have to add that we raised 2 great kids and many, many furry children along the way as well.

So the losses will always be painful, but my tombstone will have 1946, and the dash after it will be filled with love, pride, laughter, excitement, its share of sadness.  As my uncle would  say, “You done good!”   I guess I did!.  Maybe that is what my dash will stand for!  I like that dash theory- and that last date, yet to be determined.

Dash On!

I’m sorry, George! The loss of a pet is tough to bear. And it sounds like it is a placeholder for your general feeling of loss this year. It is amazing: when you engage a pet, the “I” quickly becomes “We”. Each makes accommodation for the other, behaviors change, and new experiences are shared. Same with any relationship, I guess – and just as binding.

Yet we know it is temporary and that we will eventually deal with loss – at least on the physical plane. (Unless you are Tom Brady and clone your pet – but is that the same, really?). Larry suggested focusing on the dash, rather than the unresolved loss in your life. You chose to respond by recounting your life and concluding it has been well lived.

However, I saw Larry’s suggestion as a call to action: dwell on what is in front of you. Now, Geo, you are a good writer and I really enjoy the way you express yourself. But I have to admit, your post annoyed me. Of course, that says more about me than you – but here’s why: I read it as an attitude of living life in the rearview mirror. I know it is important to do that occasionally, but not continually.

I felt that you have been recounting your life history as if it is a c.v. for a job interview – or an epitaph. It seemed to me that it left little room to comment. You replied that I should reflect on my mortality – good idea! That was the root of my last post on the story stick. I deal with mortality by making things.

It’s all temporary, but life is too sweet and bitter to spend it looking backward. Too much is still coming your way. Sandy Kominsky (Michael Douglas’ character in the Kominsky Method) says ‘Look, we’re all renters – and we’re here only until the landlord kicks us out’ (or we get a new lease on life?).  So, make the most of it.

Linda introduced me to a guy our age, who has been running an excavation business for 50 years. We bumped into him while he was doing a septic system next to our bank. He could retire, but he has no plans to do so. In his spare time, he built an 18-hole golf course on property he owns. Over the years, it has become a really nice venue… and here he is fixing septic systems. His crew has stayed together, but his foreman is now retiring after 47 years! But Dave still looking forward to working. His words: “ As long I can work, I can keep giving.” Sounds like words of wisdom to me.

Mark Twain said that it isn’t the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. Until that fight goes away, I don’t intend to stand still – and either should you, George. 

Living the Dash Our Own Way

George recounts the losses in his life—losses that, while not new, feel deeper with the passing of the last of his feline companions. I, too, extend my condolences to you, George, and understand the feelings that come with pets loved and lost. It tugs at the heart and never truly stops.

After talking with Larry, it seems George found a way to look at his life—the dash—in a positive light that counters some of his current feelings of loss, loneliness, and the impending struggle of living until the date on the other end of the dash. This is good. While we have often written about our lives over time and, more specifically, about our legacy—frequently inspired by Wal’s story stick posts—this time feels different, as if George has more to be grateful for and maybe even envisions a slightly higher watermark in that glass-half-empty story he often tells himself. But Wal’s rejoinder reminds us that our story stick isn’t finished just because we’re closing in on our end date. Recognizing what we’ve accomplished matters throughout our lives and perhaps even more so in our late 70s. But just because living fully may take more cognitive and physical effort doesn’t mean we’re done. Wal’s comments challenge me to consider that maybe our real legacy is how we live out our winter years. Maybe it’s about using what we’ve learned to persevere, remain strong, and continue contributing to society—not in spite of being older, but because of it. He reminds me that many cultures turned to their elders for decisions and advice because of the knowledge and wisdom they accumulated. And I suspect those seniors continued to learn as they taught, told stories, and influenced decisions through those interactions, right up until their dying day.  Here’s a quote from an old man who is still trying to figure things out…“It doesn’t matter if others think we’re useful—what matters is that we believe we are.” – Hen (with assistance from AI) 

We all reach multiple points in life where we have a choice to push on or to give up. And each of us, when faced with the same situation, might choose differently. Who is to say my perspective is the right one for someone else? At best, we can offer our viewpoints in hopes of influencing others toward greater peace, happiness, or joy span. Then, I believe, our quest to help shifts to a posture of acceptance; until someone directly asks for help, we can only listen.

Another thought I had is that some people find comfort in the way they live, even if it’s not the life they believe they want. They see the world as it is for them, and the reactions from friends and family help them feel supported, despite suggestions to change or take action. They (we) may continue to voice disappointment in the way things are, yet find enough nurturance from others to continue on as is. It is far more comfortable than trying to live differently, especially when we don’t believe meaningful change is possible. In this scenario, isn’t it also our role as a friend or caring family member to listen, to accept, and to offer assistance only when asked?

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”  – Victor Frankl