Both Sides Now

Have you noticed that more and more people tend to state opinions as facts? Or perhaps, opinions are simply stated as verdicts – final decrees that leave no room for discussion. It makes me wonder if ‘certain-sure’ positions are based on direct research or simply a need to hold onto a narrow sliver of reality.

It raises the question of whether there is only one correct point of view. I think it was Carlos Castenada who wrote that ‘where you sit determines what you see’. Imagine observing circumstances from a different vantage point: would your point of view change?

In my woodworking group we often joke that if you give five woodworkers a single problem, you’ll get seven different solutions. You can listen to each approach and see the particular merit. Each presents at least one internally consistent argument. I can enter into that slice of reality and accept it… and that’s my problem: I can see both sides.

There is a word I saw in my inbox from Word Daily.com that describes this dilemma… I thought that I filed it away, but now I cannot find it. (Apparently, my reality suffers from organization deprivation). So, I looked up a similar word: “bothsidesism”. It is generally a pejorative term for giving equal weight to opposite sides of the same argument, when the connotation is that one position is less well supported. It is used in journalism to reflect competing views in a fair-minded manner. However, the downside is that one position may be based on unsubstantiated facts. In other words, the position reflects a false equivalence.

I’m willing to risk that supposition and carry out due diligence to evaluate how that fits into my worldview. Yet, I’m not sure that my view is the last word – it is only a reflection of my small slice of experience. Google estimates that there have been 117 billion humans who have walked this earth. That represents a vast reservoir of different points of view – why would I think that I had the final answer? But how to balance openness and discernment? A question: Where would you place yourself on a scale of wisdom compared to everyone who has ever lived – the top 10%, the top quartile? Sure, we have the benefit of data unknown to most of the ancestral universe. However, any way you consider it, there are billions of more gifted minds who have slogged through issues which are similar to current problems. So why do we hold onto our own conclusions so desperately?

Storm Clouds

Right from the outset I want to admit I am a fairly opinionated individual.  I also like to think that I arrive at those opinions in a fair and objective way…. most times.  Opinions are usually based on an individual’s history, available facts which are things that can be verified as true, the experiences of that person’s lifetime and less material things such as a person’s values, possibly religion, and probably other factors that vary from one person to another.  I have known Wally since 1966 and he has the ability to separate his feelings from a situation and clearly listen to opposing viewpoints and alternate possibilities.  That is a trait I admire in anyone and one that I have not always been very successful in accomplishing in my own life.  But as the years accumulate, I like to think that that the additional experiences over time allow me the privilege of supporting my opinion making them valid and appropriate.  We are in a time now where events are happening so fast and in vastly different directions that our country is being pulled apart by contradictory opinions and even facts that to some seem verifiable and to others appear invented.

I grew up in a small family of four people. Both my parents worked full time worked and my brother was 8 years older than I.  Once I was old enough, I pretty much got myself off to school, came home to an empty house, did my homework and then dinner time was the first time we saw all of us together.  Dad worked in the city and went to work daily on the subway and mom worked at the local hospital from midnight til 8 AM.  By the time she got off the bus in the morning I had already left for school and when I got home, she was sleeping.  Dinner was our catchup time and talking about the events of the day, sharing opinions, reasons for those opinions and just general experiences and justification for feeling the way we did.  That was how I formed my own set of ideals early on, which would change as my experiences enlarged and were exposed to other people’s opinions and ideas.  New York City was a pretty liberal place to grow up in so I was exposed to kids from all different nationalities, religions and races and didn’t think anything of it.  During those years my opinions and values were being developed through listening to others’ opinions and values.  Times were simpler back then and as a result we were exposed to a lot of things kids today would never be able to experience.  For example, the kids on my block would hop on the subway on a Saturday and go roller skating or ice skating at the New York City pavilion of the 1939 World’s Fair, or we would get on our bikes and pedal out to Long Island.  We were so much more on our own than kids are today.  You hear all of us old fogies talk about how you knew you better be home when the streetlights came on and that was really true.  Because of that independence were widened and expanded and were not often evaluated by adults with discouraging chastisement that we were out of our minds.  But as society changed, so did parenting skills and societal factors that no longer allowed kids to stray very far from home without adult supervision 

Even so, I always tried to listen to advice and admonitions especially from my older brother.  I would probably listen more to his advice than to my parents yelling.  More often than not whatever stringent advice my folks delivered usually left me with a bit of fear and gradually fear became a strong force in my opinions and positions on things.  To this I always take into account the fear quotient of decisions I make or actions I take.  With the speed of today’s news and happenings in the world, I don’t always feel I have time to evaluate and listen to both sides and too often I slip into a version of the event of the day that fits my already perceived notion of what is or isn’t true.  I am not always able to get a true version of an event that occurred and that upsets me but excuses my bad habit of not searching out the truth and I allow it to fit comfortably into my perceived truths developed over almost 80years of experiences, events, people, values, beliefs, habits and who knows how many other factors that make up you as an individual.

I feel I am a fair-minded person who knows right from wrong most of the time.  I generally support people who are struggling, maybe because being out of the mainstream myself I have struggled.  I am not happy with our country right now because what I see happening to people goes against my values of what is right or wrong.  I try to listen to the opposing viewpoint that tries to legitimize  what is being done to families and it just makes me angry! But that can be for another topic!  I have looked at clouds from both sides now and not always liked what i see on the other side.

Thinking Thoughtfully

Wal makes a good point regarding the importance of perspective when it comes to judging what is right or a “better” way to think about an issue or topic.  When we are quick to state an opinion from a position of certainty, we often, rely on past experience, peer or family influence, or response habit.  Usually, this feels right, comfortable, justifiable, and reasonable.  It is part of our known, default world. 

But what if we pause to recognize our automatic response and make the time to challenge our thinking by listening to an opposing or slightly different view point?  What could happen?  Well, I think that in the very least, it will help me understand the point from another person’s perspective.  Thus, maybe I’ll get to know the other person a little better and why they think that way.  Perhaps, it will help me better understand the circumstances that led me to my view.  And, if this is between me and a friend or family member, the fact that I’m able to hear their differing opinion (whether I can agree with them or not) will strengthen our relationship since they are more likely to feel heard which is a powerful human need.  I’m reminded of one of Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.

I agree that we shouldn’t’t assume we have the final answer. But if we treat every perspective as equally probable, don’t we risk abandoning personal experience and relevant data?  If we make the time to fully engage varying ideas don’t, we sometimes miss the opportunity to make a timely decision or further confuse our own ideas if we weigh them too heavily, the feelings of others. Now let’s say I’m able to resist arguing why my perspective is right or better and I can get myself to ask good questions to achieve a deeper and more accurate understanding of the other person’s viewpoint.  Leaving it at that is one possibility. Another, is that I find both carry equal validity, especially considering where each of us is coming from and I can agree that both are “right.”  But what if after weighing the information from both sides I feel that, for me, the data strongly supports my thinking as being “right”. I would then be compelled to express my opinion.  And, I would want to do this firmly but gently with compassion and empathy so as to maintain my relationship.

So maybe the question isn’t only whether we can see both sides – but whether we’ve learned to recognize when a side, mine or theirs, is built on solid ground and then act accordingly.