Stupid Little Stuff

These are difficult times in which we are living.  I was never very good at coping skills.  I am very good at expecting the worst to happen and then when it doesn’t I am pleasantly surprised.  During these times, however, I just can’t imagine what the worst could be.  The thought of even contemplating worst case scenarios, is a worst case scenario in and of itself.  But before I get too bogged down in the doom and gloom, let me write about why I am writing this.  I can’t even turn the tv on or listen to the radio without hearing the latest event that is going to cause me to develop heavy agita.  I know the solution to all of this grief is still a long way off and I have to be able to distract myself  in order to go about my day without being engulfed in the heaviness of the day.  Distraction is always one way, if only short lived, to allow normalcy to enter my brain and allow me to compartmentalize those ongoing fears.  I can actually build a wall around those fears, lock them in for a time while I let something in to lower the blood pressure and normalize my life.  I began for look for things that amuse me, interest me or just make me laugh.  Often times they are simple things, ordinary things around me every day that just make me feel good.  I began to realize it is the simple stupid little stuff that has the capability of making the boogie man disappear for a while.

Ever since I was a kid, my dad and I would go to this big nursery called Garden World on Francis Lewis Blvd in Flushing after Mass on Sundays.  There were probably 6 or 7 greenhouses, each one specializing in some kind of plant or flower.  We often went into New York City Sunday afternoons for dinner at my grandmother’s and Aunts’ apartment and dad would bring her flowers.  She had a favorite sitting spot in her kitchen by the widow with the fire escape and all her plants would be there on the window sill.  Her favorite plant was the coleus plant but she always called it a Saint Joseph’s Coat of all colors and I never knew it was a coleus til much later.  I guess that is why the coleus has always been my favorite plant and I make sure I fill my gardens with them even today, in every possible color combination that exists.  One day I was coming home from grocery shopping, opened the gate to my backyard, looked around at all my coleuses and petunias, and the colors and even the smell of the earth made me smile.  It immediately brought my grandmother to mind, which intensified the smile that was brewing inside waiting to burst out.  Between the colors of the coleus leaves, and the brightly colored petals of the petunia flowers I was surrounded by the simple distraction I needed to chill. To this day, every time I enter my backyard I get the same sensation I did that day and for a short time at least everything is ok with the world.  Simple and so beautiful, enough to change my mood completely.

It is the simplicity that makes it so spectacular!  Another simple stupid thing is when I enter my house, my dog is here to greet me.  He greets me with all the enthusiasm possible and even though I know deep in his canine heart he knows I will give him a treat, I still prefer to think he just loves me for the wonderful person I am.  The treat is offered after he sits down, looks up with his big puppy dog eyes, waits for me to tell him, “Gently!”  The process is not over, because he then follows me around the house, joins me in the bathroom before I go to sit down in front of our favorite TV show.  He waits for me to get comfortable on the sofa and then climbs up, plops his 60 pounds of muscle on my lap, waits for me to put me legs up on the coffee table so he can then rest his head on the comfortable ottoman created by my extended legs and falls to sleep.  Once again it is the simplicity of his confidence in me, knowing that he is safe and loved that puts a smile on my face and relieves much of the tension of the day.   These simple signs are easy to overlook and that’s why i called them stupid, but for me they are essential for me to make it through some of the most difficult days of which there are many lately.

I’m almost embarrassed to tell you about the next stupid thing that brings a smile to my face but it works every time.  I drive a 2018, 4 door Jeep Wrangler Sahara.  Best car i have ever owned. and I love driving it and being in it.  Jeep Wrangler drivers have always had a secret hand signal when you pass by another wrangler.  It is a simple two finger salute and it is done very casually, almost lackadaisically, some do it more enthusiastically than others but you can’t pass another jeep without the signal recognition.  One day, about 3 years ago, I was coming out of Home Depot, went to open the car door and this little rubber thing fell to the parking lot.  I bent over to pick it up and it was a little policeman rubber duck.  I thought it was odd but I put it on my dash board and drove off.  I started looking at passing jeeps more carefully and discovered a lot of them had rubber duckies on their dashes.  That made me smile in a perplexed way.  It was kind of silly to see  some of these heavily modified jeeps with an entire dash filled with all kinds of rubber duckies.  Little by little my dash began to fill up and I had the same reaction everytime I got to my car and there was a little fireman rubber ducky or ghost rubber ducky.  Just seeing it there perched on my door handle made me laugh out loud. It was time for me to spread the wealth around and get some rubber duckies of my own to secretly hand out.  Anyway, another stupid little thing that aways brings a smile to my face.  I keep looking for other little things to distract me from the world of politics and craziness.  They pop up when I least expect them to.  Hope all of you have escape hatches too.

The Stories We Share

Geo puts forward the proposition that we all can use some respite from the constant flow of negative information headed our way regarding the state of the world. He looks for “stupid, little things” to cheer him up. It brings to mind a recent NY Times opinion piece about ‘bringing in your horizons’ when the data rodeo is just too distracting. In other words: focus on the small bits in front of you. Makes sense.

Geo and Hen are far better about being in the here and now than I am —  I seem to operate in the here and there. When things seem oppressive and out of my control, I tend to look for opportunities to impose structure – and it may not be in areas I find enjoyable. Rather it is the act of organizing that brings some peace. I guess I’m looking to gain predictability over some small part of existence.

But Geo is asking ‘What puts a smile on your face’ during dark times? That’s a harder question for me to answer.  For sure, joking with Hen and George puts a smile on my face – our conversations pursue many rabbits down many rabbit holes. I also smile when I receive a text from my grandson: his young discoveries are full of enthusiasm. It’s great to share his stories!

Well now, perhaps that is the answer: it is the stories we share that brings a smile? A friend has been journaling about his baseball tour through the middle of the country – his reports are light-hearted. What a cool trip! It’s a reminder that it isn’t the length of the runway that is most important – it’s the lift in your wings.

Linda and I recently attended a ‘Howl’, sponsored by Pubic Radio and the Adirondack Center for Writing. It was held in a local brewery on a Friday night. We did not know what to expect, but the ground rules are the following:

• A theme is set for the evening (in this case it was Kitchen Confidential)
• Attendees are invited to come up to the mic and relate a five-minute story on the theme
• There are no interruptions during the telling and time is kept by a monitor
• The winner is selected by two judges and proceeds to a regional Howl

So, our fellow narratologists arranged chairs around the podium, beers in hand. Nine stories were related to the audience, each an enjoyable listen. Two stood out for me. One story came from an English teacher who moonlights as a server. She made the point that restaurant kitchen lingo can improve a relationship. In her restaurant, the chef acknowledges every request with a standard reply: “Heard!” She wished her husband would respond in similar fashion!

The winner for the night, Sammy D., traveled nearly 100 miles to tell a story about a prison friendship which grew out of a common love for cooking. “Old Timer” and “Young Blood” rattled each other’s bars to impart news and secrets for making meals taste like “the streets”. Ground up Doritos played a meaningful part in the yarn.

The intimate setting for the story-telling dissipated any iota of anonymity. We focused on the people and their experiences: we brought in the horizons. Linda and I left with smiles.

Looking For a Few Good Smiles

George reminds me that recognizing opportunities that make us smile can transport us to another mindset, feeling, and/or mood rather quickly.  In his post, George talks about things that he comes upon that for him, releases his sense of daily agita and brings him to a place of calm.  This happens when occasionally someone leaves a duck on his Jeep, or he returns from an errand or social gathering and reenters his garden, or when he sits down and Devon waits for him to create his favorite lap space.  They appear to be fortunate events that may or may not occur throughout the course of his day.  And when they do, he smiles and reaps the benefit of their effect. 

This got me to thinking.  When fortune doesn’t “smile” upon us and provide the circumstances we’re programmed to smile at, is there nothing we can do but trust to luck or can we tap into this programming and improve our odds?

Several months ago, while we were walking Teresa asked me if I could see anything that resembled the shape of a heart along our route.  I wasn’t sure what she meant until she pointed out an area in a tree where the branches and leaves seemed to outline the shape of a heart.  The idea that we could “create” via our perspective, images that represented objects or thoughts or feelings if we simply focused our attention toward that end was intriguing.  She began to point out heart shapes to her granddaughters when they were together and over time, each of them would spontaneously shout out when they saw something that resembled a heart.  When they did they smiled, but they really broadened their grin when they saw the joy it brought to their Nonna!

Could this concept be the answer to my pervious question?  What if we set our intention each morning to find things throughout the day that make us smile?  They could be things that we find humorous, cute, heartwarming, or even mischievous.  Whatever would normally bring a smile to our face is fair game.  It only takes a bit of imagination, a heavy dose of determination, and a sprinkle of luck to laugh our way through any typical day.  I dare you to try!

PS  Yes, there are things that I don’t have to conjure up that force a smile on this old face:

– the way Duke rests his chin on the most uncomfortable looking places

– jumping in the pool last week and realizing the quiet around me was not the refreshing water but the shorting out of my hearing aids that I had forgotten to remove

– my grandson’s knack for relentless comedic humor

– the twinkle in my daughter’s eye when she catches me in a misspoken word or story

– remembering old stories

– the “eye hugs” I received at a silent retreat 

– helping others 

“There is always a reason to smile.  You just have to find it.” 

DE Philosopher DJ Kyos (Kyos Magupe)