Worry Patterns

The holidays are over!  All the fuss and bother which used to be fun when the kids were little has become a chore now.  Both my kids came home for the holiday, my son brought his girlfriend and Christmas Eve and Christmas day were excellent!  Everybody got along, we laughed and gossiped and cried together and it was really great.  As the father in the group, at times I stood back and just watched the dynamics between my son and daughter, between my son and his girlfriend and between my daughter and my son’s girlfriend.
Everything went smoothly, everybody got along and seemed to enjoy the company to make the holiday successful.  Truth be told, I worried about how everything was going to progress, and with my half empty glass mentality it was a concern.  However, nothing could have gone better!  The needless worry beforehand was just that, needless.
In our later stage of life, we are never free of worry, just the patterns are different.  Growing up as a kid we worry about getting along in school, not getting picked on and stuff like that.  We worry about being liked which only intensifies as we head into the teen years.  They seem huge at the time but upon reaching my stage of life, seem cute and even humorous.  Perhaps our teen years in high school and college are our least worrisome stages.  Sure, there are social pressures that weigh on us but as teens we shrugged a lot of that stuff off and just hoped for the best.  Our years in college, at least for me, were the most worry-free years of my life.  Fun, independence, intellectual growth were the key words of those years.
Graduation happens and all of a sudden responsibility descends upon us. Pressure to get a job, to marry, to raise a family looms on our shoulders and we are reminded everyday of what we are supposed to do.  Get married, have kids, a house, dogs and cats (I had to add them because they are family members as well).   Bills, the house, kids get sick, problems with neighbors, the car breaks down, all of a sudden, the weight of worry presses down on your shoulders, The weight of all that is intense. It is what ulcers are made of!  Years pass by, things get a little easier, but you still worry about your kids, their health, their social wellbeing, their jobs etc., etc.  Heavy worries!  You go crazy trying to figure out how you can “Fix” everything, make things easier for yourself and those loved ones around you.  Then all of a sudden, you sit back, take a breath and watch like I did on Christmas Day, and you realize that, sure you are concerned and want to help out but at some point, you have to release that worry energy over to those directly involved.  It is courageous on your part to let go, but now the baton is passed to the next generation.  You can relax, the torch is passed, or is it?
Suddenly, you are in your seventies.  I hit 77 in August which means I am already halfway through my 78th year.  the worry pattern once again is directed inward.  If you are fortunate enough to have a spouse or loving partner that eases the weight.  When you waken in the night with that pinch in your chest your partner can ease your worry with soothing thoughts, it is probably just a muscle spasm, but we will check it out tomorrow if it still bothers you!  Two minds are better than one to ease worry.  To those of us who live alone, the pinch keeps you up the rest of the night, poking at it, testing it, you know what I mean because we have all done it!  Worry is on the night table waiting.  This worry, now directed solely at yourself starts to infiltrate your entire life.  I recently fell one night unlocking my back door while having my arms full and fell into the garden fortunately and not onto the sidewalk.  The landing was soft from the mulch, but it could have happened differently.  Laying on my back in the darkness, I took inventory of my body parts.  I used a tree to pull myself up.  All working parts were still working but boy was I sore the next few days.  Made me begin to worry about falling.  I have to focus on what I am doing at all times especially on staircases.  But the worry creeps in….. what if I broke a hip or a leg?  How would I survive.  How would I be able to maintain my life in my house where I have to take care of everyday things. At this stage of life this is real WORRY! The pattern has suddenly shifted inward.  These are serious things we all have to worry about.  Just when you think the “Golden Years” are going to be all hugs and kisses, reality attacks.  Real food for thought- assisted living? condo? sell the house?  This will keep me up tonight!

The Big W

We’ve written about worry before (What, Me Worry?), but our Three Old Guy discussion has caused me to reconsider the topic. Hen used the term ‘situational worry’ when we were reviewing George’s piece. This is a useful marker. It’s got me thinking about ‘Worry’ as a bunch of “little w’s” running around in our brains – possibly fueled by the generalized “Big W” capacity of anxiety.

Some might say that the vast number of situational worries – the little w’s – increases the amount of our Big W, but I believe it is the other way around. Just as a rising tide floats all ships, the flood waters of Big W’s general anxiety intensify all those little w’s.

After all, there is no shortage of little w’s. I used to drive the Camp Creek parkway in Atlanta, which parallels the landing pattern of jets into Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson Airport. I could see the lights of three incoming aircraft lined up right behind each other. As one roared overhead, there would still be three sets of lights in the distance: it never stopped. Worries are like that: one passes, but a new one always comes into focus.

Actually, that’s healthy. Little w’s are problems, and we are problem solvers. Question: What would we do without problems to solve? Answer: We would create problems.

As I sit here writing, I’m reconstructing my current worry list:

• Moving my friend to long term care and handling his finances
• Cleaning and sell his house
• Our restaurant is understaffed and my son is working too hard, yet we cannot afford more helpMy youngest son’s health and well-being
• Post-secondary programs for my neurodivergent grandson
• A new roof needed for our restaurant
• A dental implant for my wife, despite insurance not covering the procedure
• An injured wrist preventing my free-weight program
• A throbbing heel resulting from Achilles tendon damage
• Renovation of the upstairs bedroom
• Relocating our woodturning group from its current workshop: finding a new location and disposition of a lot of heavy equipment by Spring
• Coordinating volunteers to host a major event in the Saratoga City Center: we are short of the number needed
• Healing a non-profit board issue, where serious accusations have been made about fellow members, sparking a number of resignations
  

Is it fair to say that I worry a lot? Sure, I do – but all of these worries are situational – little w’s. None are existential, but two hurt my heart. If you examine the list, perhaps all are time sensitive in some manner, but they can be ranked and mitigated: action is possible – and as actions are taken, my list will likely look a bit different next month. So, I am not feeling what George has described, which I define as DREAD. I think dread is a derivative of the Big W and is what you feel when you have given up hope of addressing a worry.

Said differently, worry without hope equal’s dread. Hope is the antidote to the Big W. I like what Jane Goodall said about hope – that it is “humbler than faith”, but “… it is often misunderstood. People seem to think that it is simply passive wishful thinking… This is indeed the opposite of real hope which requires action and engagement.”

Here’s what US President Thomas Jefferson thought about hope:

‘Tis hope supports each noble flame

‘Tis hope inspires poetic lays;

Our heroes fight in hopes of fame,

And poets write in hopes of praise.

Worry, Is Nothing to Worry About!

In his post, George discusses the concept of worry and closes with his concerns about issues that may impact his ability to continue living alone in his current house.  I agree that we all entertain some form of worry that we consider potentially detrimental to our current or future happiness or security.  But, depending on how we engage this worry, it may not necessarily be all bad.

I looked up several definitions of worry:

I would suggest that worry is the result of our assessment that something or someone is or could be in jeopardy and that jeopardy is simply something we don’t want to happen. For example, the potential for discord between and among George’s daughter, son, and his son’s girlfriend, or another fall that might result in a temporary or permanent disability results in cause for George to worry.  In Wal’s case a couple of his little w’s could be not failing his friend as he handles the many financial transactions as well as the intricacies of guiding the long-term care process or that he may be unable to heal the non-profit board issue. Yes, these are situational but still contribute to the weight we carry while we worry.  But both of my colleagues have given me an idea from their pieces on worry that suggests a softer way of articulating our worry.  

Hope.  What if George, hoped his kids and his son’s partner would get along during their holiday visit and hoped that he would be able to use the circumstances of his fall avoid or diminish future falls.  Wal could hope that his efforts would result in the best financial outcomes for his friend and hope that he is able to convince the board to reconcile their differences in an amicable way.  What I’m wondering is are we capable of shifting our approach to worry and use that feeling of anxious concern as a call to action and, instead of fearing the worst, expect the best and then do what we can to get there? If our attitude has any effect on the outcome, it will likely be in a positive manner.  If it doesn’t, the result will likely be the same whether we agonize about it or meet it head on, hoping for the best.  The big question is, can we create and sustain this change.

I also believe that the benefits and detriments of worry show up as both a helpful mechanism and an inevitable source of harm.  If we seek to manage our worry by becoming more mindful, engaging in creative problem-solving, and seeking support from others to address and alleviate concerns, initial worry can be a benefit by acting as an alert to prompt us to address potential threats and challenges.  If on the other hand, we allow ourselves to worry excessively it may lead to detrimental effects to our mental and physical well-being. Succumbing to feelings of hopelessness and (as Wal suggests) dread can impair our judgement as well as our physical well-being.

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow.  It empties today of its strength.”

Corrie Ten Boom