Beyond a Doubt!

We make decisions, sometimes with certainty, but almost always followed by doubts.  And so it is with my decision to finally buy a house and property that feels perfect for me, for now but not what I spent more than two years in search of.

As one of the three “Old Guys” who walked into a bar some four years ago, I think like a kid but measure behaviors by my age.  Living with Duke in my apartment has been a new and challenging experience.  Living with the daily (and nightly!) noise and odors from the nearby trucking company, numerous construction sites, and 24-hour commercial businesses (A humongous Amazon warehouse is one of them) coupled with the limitations of a 3^rdfloor apartment has been for me, difficult.  As an outdoor kid who relishes the peace and quiet and enchantment of nature the expiration date for doing without was past due.  

This house didn’t match my requirements for the style, the size, the required updated features, or the accessibility to a first floor bedroom but was filled with light and open spaces and a screened in porch.  A stretch for sure, especially considering the out of reach additional costs required to convert it to my dream home.  But it does sit on a very nice piece of property.  Enough land to provide room to roam and to garden and enough privacy to feel like the retreat I once had.  And the views!  Out of each window of this cul-de-sac house I can see woods and open space and the marshlands of Silver Run Creek, a preserve that is protected from any development.  My decision was clear and swift.  I made the offer and told the seller’s agent I wanted a response by noon the next day.  In this crazy market, it usually works the other way around where I would have to meet the listing agent’s timeline, often competing with numerous buyers offering outrageous above-list prices.  This time it was different.  They said yes within my parameters.  Clearly this was meant to be!  This was yet another factor that affirmed my decision.  

Tomorrow morning I will attend the closing and will begin the process of taking ownership and making more decisions about what to update and how much to spend and whether or not it will be worth the cost for me as well as the return value on the home.  Last night, as I considered taking out yet more money from my investment savings to meet my project ideas, I experienced “the doubts.”  Should I have waited longer for a smaller more updated home?  Am I too demanding in my requirements for the property?  Should I have spent less?  Do I really need to update to make me happy?  Am I leaving myself enough investments to carry me through potential elder care issues?

Perhaps.  But, if not now, at the ripe young age of 76 ½, then when?  What if the work I look forward to doing around the house provides the exercise, inspiration, and energy needed to live healthier and longer?  What if I had waited longer and fell into such despair that I would be unable to enjoy a better-suited purchase?  For me, for now, I am ready to cast aside the doubts and move forward.  Peace and quiet and new adventures, here I come!

“I Go to Seek a Great Perhaps!” (Again!) – Francois Rabelais

Heart vs Mind

I had trouble deciding how I would respond to Henry’s piece about decision making.  Buying a house is a huge decision that has to be made and one that is not easily rectified if you screw it up!.  I understand the frustration, worry and second guessing that goes into such decisions and that is why I wasn’t sure what I could add to the discussion. I would come up with an idea and then talk myself out of it, realizing that my idea didn’t contribute anything significant.  I fretted and postponed, argued internally with myself for days.

And that is when the realization came to me and the clarity was unmistakable!  I was doing the same thing  I always do when I have to decide, except that factors come to play in the process.  Never having put much thought into my decision making until now at almost 77, it became crystal clear how I go about it!

I have had to make major decisions many times. I purchased 5 houses in my life.  When I was married I pretty much deferred to my partner because that was easy, and then I had someone else to blame if things went south.  But there were certain things that I took the lead on because they were things that I held the strong belief that I was doing the right thing.  Adopting my children, and dealing with the county social services required many decisions and a constant but not aggressive pressure.  I was determined to make it happen and I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.  And therein lies the rub!  The major decision making was easy once I knew in my heart it was right for me.  Every house I ever purchased I knew as soon as I walked into it, it was the right fit. I just knew!  I felt it, it fit me.  It was the emotional connection that is within my heart that made those big decisions easy for me.  And once those kinds of decisions are made there is no second guessing because I just “feel” they are right. I just felt in my heart it was time to retire- a huge decision.  My partner wanted us to buy an inn, and I was ok with that but knew in my heart I wanted it to be in the northeast to be near my kids.  So the next chapter of my life was running an inn in Vermont and it was definitely the right choice.

The minute my intellect gets involved is when the trouble starts.  If the decision isn’t important enough to be heart capturing, then my mind takes over and hence…. agita! The intellect starts whispering to me.  What ifs and second guesses creep in and the decision all of a sudden becomes much more complicated than it really is.  Fretting becomes my middle name as I run through multiple scenarios that muddy the decision further.  Lists of pros and cons, seeking advice from others who have difficulty deciding things themselves, and then endless second guessing results.  And for me the sad thing is the decisions that I make this way are usually not worth the time and worry I put into deciding.  They just aren’t that important to me.

So, yesterday it just came to me.  Heart vs Mind/ Emotion vs intellect.  When faced with a significant decision, my emotion takes over and I basically trust that it will lead me to the right course of action.  The minute my intellect gets involved is when all the what if’s and how about’s start eating away at my brain and causing little pockets of doubt that tend to spread and grow.  I am not suggesting everybody’s decision making process works the same way, but for me, the more important the decision that has to be made, the heart is the organ I use and can depend upon for successful actualization.  I am just not as comfortable in the intellectual realm.  That’s just the way I am wired.  I have to end this now cause I am starving.  I think I’ll go for pasta, but I had pasta yesterday, and I want some wine but I hate to pay 10-12 bucks for a glass when I could get a bottle for that price and stay home.  Maybe I’ll call a friend and see what he wants to do, then I don’t have to make the decision at all!

Between Two Pines

I am happy for Hen! It has been pretty clear that he has been making a good face in a poor situation for two years. He and Duke are at home in the open spaces, not holed up in a concrete bunker by the Amazon warehouse.

And yet, even though Hen says this house was not quite perfect right out of the box, it reminds me of his previous happy home: connected to expansive woods and water feature. It’s ripe for exploration and I can see a good fit!

But he raises the issue of decision making and the ‘yips’ that sometimes accompany a path you’re not quite sure is the most suitable.  Generally speaking, I think those doubts usually subside once the decision is made. Most folks are a little shaky pre-decision, but more positive once they have made a choice. After all, we’re at least moving forward and usually too busy attending to the follow-up activity resulting from our decision.

John Muir famously said that “Between every two pine trees there is a door, leading to a new life”. Decisions are like that – they open a door displaying a new vista, with lots more choices to make. Of course, my grandson edited Mr. Muir’s comment to read ‘Between every two pine trees, there are two more pine trees’. And yes, decisions are like that as well. Always more vistas and more choices…

A friend of mine is of the opinion that people make decisions emotionally and then rationalize why they came to their conclusions. In other words, decisions come from the subconscious and only later made logical in the conscious mind.  There’s some truth to that. Despite our best efforts to categorize and analyze the wants and needs underlying our choices, we don’t really have a grip on all of our motives. Malcolm Gladwell agrees. In books like The Tipping Point and Blink he documents the readiness we all have to very quickly make judgements, even without a lot of data.

George told Hen, ‘You’ll know when a house is right for you – you will just feel it’ – or words to that effect. George felt comfortable letting his unconscious help make a connection – and a decision. Haven’t you ever felt that something just “felt right”, even if you couldn’t exactly pin down what that was. Honestly, I believe that my best choices were made simply by relying on that subconscious litmus test. 

And yet, I still research, write exhaustive lists of pros and cons, and perseverate, before coming to conclusion. I guess this is my typical ‘due diligence’ mode.  However, if I’m in a group when a decision needs to be made – and no one wants to make it – I’ll be the person to press forward. My nature can’t stand a vacuum. 

Isn’t it great that life can be so contradictory? How do you approach a decision?

Hard Choices By Jojoba Mansell from greatexpectations.org

A path is laid out ahead,
It forks before your feet.
A decision filled with dread,
Uncertain of what you’ll meet.

A game full of chance,
Of many hidden pit falls.
To find true romance,
Dare you risk losing all?

Choices never easy to make,
Fog seems to cloud your way.
You fear making a mistake,
Of gambling and losing the day.

But life is full of Hard Choices,
And risk is part of the game.
Be brave, ignore doubting voices,
Make the choice, life won’t be the same.