What Matters

Thrills and Chills

It turns out that while the brain loves predictability, it celebrates surprises – at least, small ones. Those little momentary shivers we sometimes feel are a result of those surprises. There’s even a term for that: ‘frisson’.

Although this sensation can be connected to a startle of any kind (remember the horror movie The Tingler, where some audience seats were connected to a mild electric shock generator?). Most of the time, however, frisson is a sensation associated with music — and specifically, a change in octave/pitch.

Researchers have determined that during a song, a 1% change in a tone can cause a frisson. The change may occur while the momentum of the melody is increasing in pitch/tempo – or decreasing in pitch/rhythm. It has been reported that a Rolling Stones song, Gimme Shelter, was boosted by Merry Clayton, whose raw wail: “Rape, murder, it’s just a shot away” in the background vocals helped make the song a hit. In fact, a film clip was made about this situation: Twenty feet from Stardom. I listened to the clip: her phrasing is plaintive and close to a low howl. Which is interesting, because the kilohertz range of a human scream is precisely where human hearing is most receptive.

Frisson is a term that explains some memorable songs for me. Do you ever get a ‘chill’ when listening to a favorite tune – or become surprised by the direction of a song? Children’s a Capela Choral groups can do that for me. Copland’s Fanfare for the Common Man also produces that result. Copland is known for changing the loudness of his compositions (soft to loud), but I think the depth of the orchestra often surprises me when more instruments are suddenly brought to bear at a particular moment. It seems to create an extra dimension of sound. But that’s not only what causes the tingle for me; rather it’s the pristine/plaintive harmony of the horns. Maybe the saturated orchestral sound reinforces the little frisson?

Other, less bombastic, music can have the same effect. The first time I heard Joni Mitchell’s Conversation, I was laying on a bare hardwood floor at the same level as two large speakers. There is a point where the intro brings in strident guitar chords followed by Joni’s voice and then it kicks up a notch when she changes octave with the lines, “Comfort and consultation, He knows that’s what he’ll find”. It was as though the small room expanded into a large auditorium. Sound filled every corner – no doubt augmented by sound bouncing off the hardwood floor. I definitely felt a momentary chill – as well as a feeling of there being “something more” out there. Who knows what that “something more” was or is… but I still feel echoes of that sense when I hear that song. Joni is characterized by her ability to change octave and try different harmonies – and maybe the that’s the common denominator between Fanfare horns and Joni’s intro.

So, I talked to audiophile friend to ask his opinion. He said “Well, it sounds like you are talking about ‘brilliance’, when there is an overload of treble”. It turns out that the vocabulary of acoustics has its own language: fullness vs. clarity, warmth vs. brilliance, texture and time intervals for reverb, blend and distribution, ambiance and presence. While I would have thought that these terms were solely poetic descriptors, I found mathematical definitions which involved decibels, tone repetition, and time between reverberations. It was as though a new door had opened to a land that was brand new to me, but well-traveled to many enthusiasts. Did you know that there is a ‘Frisson’ community in Reddit? Some posts debate where a frisson starts (arm or scalp?) – or is it different than an ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response)?

There are times when I wonder if in our striving to pinpoint a concept, the deconstruction of the elements makes it more difficult to grasp the essence of the experience. I guess I’m a gestalt person and prefer to think the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

Yet, I have been working my way through a Spotify “Frisson Playlist” of 700 songs that has been compiled. Many of the pieces aren’t what you might expect. There’s plenty of diversity: classical, rock, blues and country tunes. Each is related only by its ability to provide a little shiver of frisson.  Here’s the link: Spotify –

Try it and report back your feelings.

Here’s one description of frisson from poet Black Hamlet in allpoetry.com

Frisson
Skin of lower back will flex,
a shiver rising upward,
inward from the shoulders, neck,
extending to the forehead.

Piloerection follows,
hair aping face that’s flushèd;
waves pound the back like quick blows,
involuntary gasps, small deaths,

Breath ragged like a memory
informs the nature of the debt,
reminding you you have not seen
nor touched real friction, e’en though wet.

So set your clock to fate o’clock
and feel the frisson take its hold,
the only question, one of when,
not if, or could, I be so bold.

Frisson, Perhaps

It is said that music soothes the savage beast.  I’m not sure where I qualify in the savage beast category, but I certainly am soothed by the music I enjoy.  The first record I ever bought was probably when I was 5 or so.  It was a little yellow golden record of Dinah Shore singing Buttons and Bows.  And the next one was probably Doris Day singing How Much is That Doggy in the Window.  As the years passed and the record industry became more sophisticated and technical, I moved on the 45 RPMs with the big hole in the middle that either needed a plastic adapter for, or a wide spindle.  My Webcor  HiFi record player in green and white was my prized possession in my bedroom. The first two 45’s I bought were Born too Late and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and the rock n roll years began.  I learned to dance using my bedroom door as my partner and the doorknob as my partner’s hand.  I learned to do the Lindy that way while watching American Bandstand.  Nobody was in the house when I was doing that.  I would play these songs over and over again to the anguish of my parents.  Music was in my blood by then. I was drawn to it and listened to it all the time.  It made me feel good, put me in a good mood and lifted my spirits.

Being a baby boomer myself, my parents always played Big Band music.  I came to enjoy that music as well,  along with the old time crooners.  The lyrics and the music could make you feel sad, angry, happy just by the stories they told.  My parents didn’t want any rock n’ roll music on the big stereo console in the living room.  The only popular singer they had on an album was Connie Francis because she sang a few songs in Italian. My dad would sing along with her songs and somehow it was comforting on a hot afternoon listening to Connie and Dad sing a duet in Italian. It made me feel safe and secure.  Music can do that to you.  Like the music on Twilight Zone when some monster was about to appear and the music would get faster and higher pitched until at last the monster appeared.  No doubt designed to make the goose bumps rise and create tension.  I had never heard the term frisson until Wally exposed me to it.  I always thought that my reaction to music was more a reaction brought on by association of the circumstances and the people sharing the experience with you. It never occurred to me that it could actually be a physiologic, biologic response to the actual sound of the music.

I remember as a young kid going to watch the Memorial Day and 4th of July parades in my neighborhood.  Northern Blvd would be crowded with sightseers from the surrounding areas waiting for the parade to commence.  My friends and I had our bikes all decorated with red, white, and blue streamers braided through the spokes of our bike wheels and usually a playing card clothes pinned to the axle of the bike so that as we rode the card would clack in and out of the spokes.  As the parade approached, the drums could be heard and as it neared  our viewing position all the men would remove their hats and hold them over their hearts as the American flag passed by,  At that moment my arms would feel the sensation of pins and needles and invariably a tear or two would slide down my cheek. It wasn’t yet 10 years past World War II so patriotism was fresh on everybody’s minds.  Frisson or situational association?

As a teen,  Friday evening was airport night.  We would jump into my friend’s Nitro and drive to Idlewild Airport (the name hadn’t been changed yet to JFK) to watch the planes landing and taking off with a lot of other kids.  You could go right out on the observation deck and see the passengers sitting in their seats.  While driving there on the Van Wyke Expressway we would listen to Cousin Brucie and invariably the Beatles’ song, If I fell, would be on and we would be singing at the top of our lungs along with the radio.  Today whenever I hear that song it brings me right back to the expressway and the three of us singing at the tops of our voices. I get the chills thinking about the music, the company, and the setting.  Again, frisson or association?

When I was travelling with my partner through Wales we would stop in small towns for the night.  It seemed that every evening it was common practice for the churches to be open and for male choirs to sing. I believe they called it Even Song and we got to the point that we would look for signs of that wherever we stopped. The power of men’s voices singing in deep harmonies, in dark candlelit churches not only caused goose bumps but shivers down my spine as well.  My question is the same, but not being a scientist or biologist or whoever studies such things, I may never know.  I just know I will continue to feel the chills, and goose bumps, and hair standing up on my arms just the same.  Frisson?  Perhaps or maybe just memories surfacing up to skin level while the brain works overtime.

The Power and Potential of Frisson

Wal writes of the power of surprise and the physical and emotional effects we can feel from it, especially in music.  It’s in the change that captures our attention and often stimulates an unconscious physical reaction.

When Wal asked if we had listened to any music that brought us the feeling of chills or shivers, “Chariots of Fire” came to mind.  The movie and music came out in 1981 and overlapped my training for my first NYC Marathon in 1982.  Not a runner by instinct, for me, it was a personal challenge to be met.  Putting in the long hours of running to prepare my body for a single 26.2 mile race, I often struggled as much psychologically as I did physically.  By that I mean, it was as much an effort to make the time, overcome obstructive weather, and resist the excuses posited by family and work, as it was to actually keep enough air in my lungs and strength in my legs to run for hours on end.  Whether it was from a Walkman-type device borrowed from a friend or music played at local races I ran to build up my training miles, when I heard “Chariots of Fire” my entire body reacted.  Yes, chills first, followed by a natural euphoria that enabled a feeling of increased energy, stamina, joy, and a psychological boost that seemingly reinforced my ability to overcome the effects of lactic acid build up in my muscles and to believe that I could run faster and longer than ever.  This “frisson” like a powerful drug injected into my body, took effect immediately.  Even though I no longer run (does a quick shuffle to the bathroom at 2:00 am count as running?), the remnants of that feeling still resonate when I hear that music.

As I read Wal’s post and thought about the components of frisson I was reminded of an experience from my past. Years ago, as I considered a career change, I sought advice from my former assistant superintendent for an interview for a principalship in another district.  After a detailed, comprehensive, and helpful but rather predictable mock interview session with him, he leaned forward and said, above all, read the faces and body language of those around the table asking you questions.  If you see them fading, loosing interest and sitting back in their chairs, do or say something to regain their attention!  I don’t care if you have to drop your pants.  Just make sure they are intrigued and will remember you. Although I told him, after the interview and with a straight face, that I had literally taken his advice, (I didn’t, of course) I did follow the notion that I needed to do something different to create a kind of surprise if you will. On two occasions during the interview, I intentionally increased the pace of my response and elevated the volume of my voice to accentuate something I was passionate about.  I was hoping that this change during a rather routine and predictable process would illicit a reaction in the listeners that was to my advantage. 

While technically not “frisson” this strategy of creating a sudden shift in sound that causes a reaction in the listeners was, for me, somewhat related.  Now, if my actions would have given them shivers and chills, I might have made an even better case for the connection!  But, alas, my success was limited to keeping them from falling asleep, so I’ll have to submit this line of reasoning as a feeble but sincere attempt. I really appreciate people like Wal, and Wal in particular, for bringing new words, and ideas, and meanings into my life.  In this case, it inspired me to look at the past in new and augmented ways.  It helps me consider and reconsider how to apply those refreshed perspectives to my present existence and, perhaps, better adapt to my remaining future.

“Music is what feelings sound like.”  Author Unknown

Riding With Reg

This blog, for me, is a way of recording who I am and, when my physical being ceases to function, who I have been.  This is a collection of my thoughts, ideas, opinions, and personal stories targeted for my children and grandchildren (but available to any who wish to know of me).  

I love good stories.  Listening to a storyteller reveals as much about the raconteur as the story they are telling. Two connections for the price of one!  I also enjoy spinning a tale or two.  Usually it’s about a personal experience and often to my grandchildren, who are, especially in their pre-teen days, the very best of listeners. One such story that they requested over and over again was, Riding with Reg.

One fall day back in the 1990’s my friend Reg, invited three of us to go horseback riding on the trails near his home, aptly nicknamed Rancho Rinder.  I jumped at the chance to spend a day with these guys because I liked them all and was ecstatic that we would be spending our time outdoors.  The least favorite part was that we’d be doing so riding horses.  I didn’t ride, or have any real experience with these powerful, thousand pound creatures. A little background…in college at the school’s campsite I was introduced to well trained trail horses.  I went up to the closest one, to pet it.  Standing a bit too close it adjusted its stance only to put its front left hoof on the top of my foot (I was wearing sneakers at the time).  As I tried to back away it pivoted ripping the top of my sneaker, the sneaker tongue, and the top layer of skin off of my foot.  I suspect he didn’t even know my foot was under him but I certainly did!  And while I did sit in the saddle on a couple of occasions, the horse basically took me for a ride going where it wanted and how quickly or slowly it wanted. Never in the front of the pack, it generally played “follow the leader” and took me where the fly-swishing tails of the others horses went.  The experience was more like sitting on a merry-go-round but with better scenery.

A photo of an earlier time when I rode with friends…

When we arrived at Reg’s stable, I carefully described the limited extent of my equestrian prowess as well as my apprehension of  riding with these experienced riders.  Always one to assure and calm, Reg laughed and guaranteed I would have absolutely no problem and all I needed to do was trust him. (This was from a man who often threw caution to the wind and would jump full tilt into one adventure after another.) So, knowing I was likely going to have to depend on my own resources, I gingerly got on the horse, he said, would be best suited for me.  Off we began on a narrow, one horse at a time, trail from his barn toward the open fields bordering his property.  I was second in line trotting slowly along on this beautiful day.

For some reason, my horse Frightful (not his real name but definitely appropriate) crowded the trees on the left side of the trail. And, despite my yanking the reins to the right, my left leg was scraping bark.  I yelled to Reg to ask him what was up with this left-listing horse.  “Oh!” he replied slapping his forehead with his right hand, “I forgot to tell you that he’s blind in his left eye.”  I asked if there was anything else he forgot to tell me but he said no. Again, the words “trust me, this is going to be easy” found their way to my doubtful ears.

On we rode toward an open field where Reg motioned for us to pull up alongside him so we could ride abreast and engage in conversation.  Following orders I had no idea that Frightful must have interpreted this as pulling up to the starting gate at a racetrack.  And, as soon as one of the other horses moved ahead of him, he bolted, reaching full gallop in seconds despite my many whoas and attempted pull backs on the reins.  At that point all I could do was hold on tight to the saddle horn and his mane as we reached the end of the field seemingly at the speed of light.  When the others caught up I, once again, raised my voice asking Reg what that was all about.  “Oh!” (with a simultaneous slap to the forehead) I forgot to tell you, he’s a thoroughbred and thoroughbreds love to race.  I’ll be sure to stay ahead of you so that won’t happen again. Trust me!”  (It was then that I began to realize those two words must have different meanings for different people and/or situations.)

Nearing the end of our ride I was finally getting a bit more comfortable and less anxious that anything else could cause my horse to behave in a way that might send me to the nearest hospital so I began to enjoy the last of the trails home.  One such path was narrow and uphill and Reg decided it would be fun to turn our trot into a gallop up the hill.  He was certain I was sitting well enough on the horse by now that I would enjoy the challenge.  Of course, as you may have guessed, I was soon to learn that there was one more thing he forgot to tell me.  Reg led the gallop up the hill and peeled off to the right as he reached the top, the next two riders did the same as he crested the hill.  Now I could see why they took their horses to the right as there was a stone wall directly ahead at the top of the hill.  Gingerly (still at full gallop) I began moving the reins to the right.  However, one-eyed, thoroughbred racing, Frightful had other plans for us.  Looking straight ahead, I could tell in a flash that my horse was not slowing down to turn but was maintaining enough speed to jump over the wall!  Screaming at the top of my lungs for him to stop and yanking hard on the reins, he came to a full but abrupt standstill inches from the wall and I found myself with my arms wrapped around his neck looking him straight in his good eye.  “Reg! I shouted hoarsely, what the heck happened this time?”  “Oh!” he said slapping his forehead yet again. “I forgot to tell you, your horse loves to jump if he gets the chance…”

The last mile of our trip home was led by Reg on his horse, followed by our two friends on their horses, followed by me, walking my horse to the stable.  I had many more adventures with him but I never rode with Reg again…trust me!

I’m not sure why some stories appear to be more interesting and worthy of retelling than others.  I suspect it’s a combination of the content, facts riddled with humor, the style, energy, and gestures I infuse when telling the story, and/or the personal relevance  to the listener.  But I’m pretty sure that there’s another element that is less obvious.  Perhaps there is an accidental coming together of words that exudes intrigue or mystery or a joyful indulgence that somehow connects the teller with the listener.  And then, if I can recapture that engagement upon the second telling, somehow the magic ingredient, yet unidentified, becomes increasingly entrenched in the whole of the story and the telling.  Somewhat similar to the repeated use of neural pathways causing thoughts to become deeply embedded in the brain, the retelling of the adventure helps cement the secret component that pulls it all together into a worthy reiteration.

Are there memorable stories from your past or ones that you enjoy sharing with others that perhaps helps continue the family narrative?

P.S.  I started this piece at the beginning of the week and was about to finish it when I had the unexpected pleasure of my grandchildren coming over for dinner and a sleepover.  Teenagers now, and probably more than 8 years since I had retold this story to them, I began telling my them another story they might not have heard.  And sure enough, after much laughter my oldest interrupted and asked me to tell her the Reg and horse story before I had the chance to tell her I had just written about it!  Life is good!

After nourishment, shelter and companionship, stories are the thing we need most in the world.

Philip Pullman – an English writer

Tell Me a Story

I loved Hen’s story! It sort of follows the framework of an escalating punchline – a rapidly deteriorating situation told with humor. Just when you think the ride with Frightful couldn’t get worse, the words of St. Ginsu come back to haunt: “But wait, there’s more!” No wonder his kids and grandkids ask for the retelling. 

Hen’s challenge back to us is to think about stories that we enjoy retelling… and there are many! Stories are the glue that bind family and friendships. Recently, we three old guys were at a reunion with our college fraternity. It was great fun – and almost every conversation started with “Do you remember…” followed by mythic recounting of heroic (and some not so heroic) deeds of our youth. The spectacular football catch, the spectacular almost-catch, the pranks, the shared experiences, the people that were a big part of our lives – all were celebrated. 

That’s what stories do: they celebrate moments, vignettes, milestones that characterize a life shared with others. They are the signposts on the highway of our past. We share that journey with so many others – even over generations. After all, the journey did not just start with us.

Some people have a real knack for storytelling… unfortunately, I’m not one of them. But my Adirondack neighbor Jodi is a champ! She has a way of building a situation, so that you feel part of the story. Some deal with danger averted (my favorites). They leave you in suspense as the tale proceeds, such as when the bear chased her and her three-year old son down a secluded hiking trail – you would have thought they were goners, but the bear ran right past them without breaking stride. Or when she was attacked by a mama turkey while trying to free a gosling from a net; or when she inadvertently stowed away on a European ship headed to France… or when she was stranded on a Bavarian ski trail 10 miles from the nearest village. Or…. It goes on and on. Now there’s an adventurous life!

We have tried to encourage Jodi to enter the local “Howls”. If you haven’t heard about them, they are local storytelling competitions where folks tell a short (5 min) story on a common topic. These convocations are hosted by National Public Radio and are recorded in events across the north country. For instance, the last howl was on the Halloween theme ‘You Are Not Alone’. 

I love the idea of memorializing these stories. They have the benefit of being brief, but having big impact. Perhaps, that’s why Hen’s story is so attractive – and it would make a great ‘howl’.

If I had to pick a personal story, it would likely be in the theme of that last howl. In 1957, when I was nine years old and my brother Rich was seven, we were alone in our three-story house one evening. Mom and Dad were out at an event and I was babysitting for the first time. We had always rented the second floor as an apartment to bring in some needed income. But Dad had gotten a better job and we were able to fix up the space into three bedrooms, a narrow hall to a bathroom, and one large erstwhile kitchen. The kitchen was a little creepy and Rich and I avoided it. But the attic was foreboding and we rarely opened the door to climb up the dark, steep, narrow stairway into this world of the past. The attic was composed of two rooms, all paneled in weathered wainscoting. The large windows were placed only a foot from the floor and the wind rattled the panes of glass in warning not to get too close. Literally, there were boxes of broken toys and porcelain dolls with cracked faces watching your every move (and that was before it became a horror film trope!). The partitioned space was a bare bedroom with an old metal bedframe and mattress, covered with spider webs and dust. Once in that space, the atmosphere just pushed you out the door. It was rumored that a prior owner had died in that room and I always wondered why the boxes under the eaves in the main room were never cleaned out. 

On the night in question, Rich and I were becoming used to our new bedrooms. As we turned out the lights and said goodnight, I hoped that Mom and Dad would not be too late. After a bit, I heard some rustling in the attic over Rich’s room, followed by Rich running into my room and jumping into bed with me. “Did you hear that?”, he said. “Someone is upstairs”. 

I did hear that. It was the sound of footsteps walking up and down the main room in the attic. Up and down; back and forth. We pulled the covers tight, but with our ears primed for listening. We decided to pretend that we were not there, breathing quietly as to make as little noise as possible.

Then I imagined what might happen if we heard steps on those rickety stairs coming down from the attic. What if the door handle began to turn. What would we do? We listened even closer to identify where the steps were headed – were they getting closer to the railing that was at the top of the stairs? That railing which moved when you touched it – was that the sound?

That night, I experienced what being ‘scared stiff’ really meant. I was paralyzed as we listened to the marching feet. I knew I had to protect my asthmatic brother, but I was too afraid to get out of bed, open the stairway door and scream: “Get out of our house!” I was too frightened and my skin was crawling with goosebumps. Rich was crying softly. We huddled together for an hour as the footsteps traversed the attic rooms. Eventually, the walking stopped and we heard no more from the attic prowler. But that didn’t stop the fear.

We tried to be as silent as stones, hoping the marching being would not come back. Perhaps the presence had halted to listen for the evidence of small boys lying in their beds. Rich was shaking and we held each other until our parents came home and then we ran downstairs to them. Dad and Mom immediately went up to the attic and reported that all was fine – perhaps it was a squirrel. 

But we knew better.

Laughersby Langston Hughes

Dream-singers,
Story-tellers,
Dancers,
Loud laughers in the hands of Fate—
   My people.
Dish-washers,
Elevator-boys,
Ladies’ maids,
Crap-shooters,
Cooks,
Waiters,
Jazzers,
Nurses of babies,
Loaders of ships,
Rounders,
Number writers,
Comedians in vaudeville
And band-men in circuses—
Dream-singers all,—
   My people.
Story-tellers all,—
My people.
   Dancers—
God! What dancers!
   Singers—
God! What singers!
Singers and dancers
Dancers and laughers.
   Laughers?
Yes, laughers . . . laughers . . . laughers—
Loud-mouthed laughers in the hands
   Of Fate.

In Search of a Legacy

When Hen first introduced his idea for our blog he was unsure what direction to go in.  We tossed around a few ideas and he identified his legacy as his ability as a story teller.  He wanted something that would be significant to his grand children in years to come and since he has the ability to weave stories that  his kids and grand kids enjoyed, he realized that is what he could pass along.  They often asked him to tell them the story about the crazy horse again, and hence his legacy began.  Now I have enough to worry about without having to worry about what my legacy might be.  For about a week I began to brainstorm what would be my legacy.  I have no grand children to be remembered by for whatever my legacy might be, so who is going to remember me?  Sure I have friends who will think of me and of course my children but after the next generation is gone it will be as if I never existed.  Hmmm, pretty sad!  So I began to think seriously about what my legacy would be.  I could be one of the world’s best worriers.  Worriers not warriors!  Yeah, but who would care? Oh that guy, yeah he worries better than anybody.  Not such a good thing to be remembered for.  I began to realize, that in my life I had had a lot of interests and abilities but I never explored any one thing to the point of developing an expertise in  it.  My brain storming list was short and not too impressive.  A week went by and we were scheduled to have our zoom meeting again.  I discussed my predicament with Wally and Hen.  Wally suggested my teaching career and the effect I had had on my students.  That gave me pause for thought and pausing for thought was never one of my strong points.

But the seed that Wally planted was germinating in my mind for days.  I started to jot down a few notes.  I loved teaching and loved communicating with the kids.  When I retired in 2003 I thought that that would be the end of my connection with them and time to move on.  I soon realized  that former students were making reservations to come and stay at my inn in Vermont.  It was always a pleasure  to greet these students, now young adults.  I loved seeing what these kids became as adults and over the years have kept in touch with many of them.  When I retired from inn keeping and moved back to New York I connected with many more thanks to the help of Facebook.  We would meet for lunch, laugh and relate stories of their memories of 4th, 5th or 6th grade classes with me.  They remembered mostly the simple communication between us rather than big events.  The personal touches seemed to be the most effective.  Every day they had to write in their journals anything they wanted, and I would answer them the same day and return them.  I did this religiously and the impact was tremendous and rewarding for me as a teacher.  How can you expect a boy to learn when he watched his dog get hit by a car as he was getting on the school bus? Or how do you get a student to focus on their times tables when he had just come off the playground where he was made fun of the whole time at recess?  We developed a trust where they knew it was safe to write things that were bothering them.  Sometimes they would write some very personal things but they knew I would listen and  the information was safe.  Many lunches I spent hearing about how they still had their thought books on the bookshelf at home.  Sometimes the parents would send me notes through the thought books to let me know if something happened at home or if something was coming up that the parents were worried about. It was an incredibly helpful tool for me as their teacher and apparently for them as well.  The other big thing that they would frequently mention is when I would read books to them.  I would use different voices for the different characters where I could be as dramatic as I wanted without feeling self conscious.  Through the years and over many lunches, I had the joy of seeing who these little kids became as adults.  One of my favorites experiences was with a girl in one of my 4th grade classes who was having divorce problems at home.  She became a high school administrator, got her doctorate degree in education, but the best part is she became a hot air balloon pilot.  I love these stories!

Shortly after that zoom meeting I had an interesting experience that made me realize I did have an impact on my students.  It was shortly after the election and I got a message from a former student who had befriended me on Facebook.  I never connected with him other than brief comments back and forth.  He wrote me very hesitatingly that he was concerned about the past election. He is now a 45 year old man who was devastated that his candidate lost.  He went on to say he believed I was probably of the opposing political party than he,  which is why he wanted to contact  me.  He wanted to hear the other side of the argument without all the screaming and arguing.  He wanted to have a civil discussion about elections and political candidates and needed help understanding the opposing view points without the anger and hatred that seems to have taken over our political system today.  I was touched that he would reach out to me and thought his request was very sincere.  And part of me wanted to hear what caused his frustration. I wrote back  that I thought it was a great idea to help both of us better understand what is going  on..

Now I haven’t seen this man for over 35 years.  The last time I saw him was the last day of his 4th grade year.  I didn’t know what to expect but we arranged to have dinner the following Friday night at a local restaurant and discuss his concerns.  He was even going to prepare a list of  questions for us to discuss.  I was expecting to see this short little kid that I remembered but this large 6 foot tall law enforcement officer came in and joined me at the table.  I had had his sister in class too so we  chatted about  his family for awhile and then over bowls of linguine in white clam sauce and lasagna we talked about his concerns.  The discussion was polite and respectful. We even  found things we agreed on.  We talked for almost 2 hours and I think the discussion helped me as much as he said it helped him.   As we walked out to our respective cars  he thanked me for taking his concerns seriously and for being willing to listen as he had no one else with whom he felt he could discuss this topic .  I felt really good about the situation and was pleased that I was able to help.  We said goodbye and I may never see him again but the night was significant.  I knew I was a good teacher, but never gave much thought to what effect I would have on their lives.  I finally found my legacy!  Maybe years from now some former students will tell their own kids about their 4th grade teacher and I will be remembered fondly!

I guess that is what a legacy is all about.  I can rest easy now that I don’t have to worry about that anymore.

From Samara to Burning Leaf Piles

Society depends on symbols. Symbols are used to keep us safe on the road where they direct us which way to go, where people might be crossing, or deer or where road crews might be working. They tell us where it is safe to park and where handicapped people can park to make it easier for them to navigate on our streets.  Symbols are used by professions to indicate their purposes. We know there is a pharmacy when we see the mortar and pestle, a restaurant when we see a fork and spoon,  the caduceus to indicate a doctor’s office.  Even in athletics, symbols are used to identify the different teams.  We use symbols on our clothing to indicate different organizations  we belong to or different causes we support.  We even use symbols to locate rest rooms or to tell us when it is safe to cross a street.  The upright red hand means don’t cross and the green silhouette of a person tells us it is safe. Most major organizations use symbols for their advertising.  Symbols are easier to understand than words and even people who don’t speak the language can identify the meaning of such symbols.

I have a few symbols, one in particular that is meaningful to me and that I have carried around with me my entire life.  My family left New York City when I was 5 years old.  They didn’t want me to start school there and have to pay 25 cents a week to the local gang on the lower East Side to guarantee my safety back and forth from school.  My folks decided to move to the country, which back then was Flushing, Queens.We moved into a big old house with 4 bedrooms and a backyard that had trees and grass and bushes.  From the very beginning before I developed any friendships with the neighborhood kids I found a huge old maple tree in the corner of our yard.  The roots stuck out of the ground in a circular pattern and I found l could sit with my back against the trunk and color in my coloring books or draw, even draw patterns in the earth with an old broken off twig.  I loved it there, I felt safe and comfortable.  I didn’t know it at the time but our street was lined with maple trees.  Coming from the Lower East Side of NYC, trees were few and far between and I didn’t know there were different kinds of trees.  That maple in my backyard became my friend.  There was something about the shape of the leaf that I thought was beautiful.  I can remember plucking a leaf off a low branch and twirling it in my fingers, studying each side, following each vein and tracing the shape of the leaf with my finger.  For a  little kid, I was enamored with that tree in my yard,  As I got older I would go there to escape arguments inside the house or times of sadness,  The tree never failed me.

Entertainment wise, maples always afforded us kids on the block with a lot of fun.  In the Fall, you could look up and down the block and see kids with their dads raking the dead leaves into piles on the curb.  Then the kids would go from house to house and take running leaps into the heaping piles of dried crunchy leaves.  I can feel the crunchy scratching of the leaves that wound up going down the back of my shirts, but the fun wasn’t over yet.  Around late afternoon, just before it would get dark, the dads did the unthinkable thing that dads of today can no longer do.  They would strike matches and those leaf piles became alive with orange and yellow flames and the incredible smell of autumn leaves burning could be smelled throughout the block. and the kids would stand around with the flames reflecting off their faces while their outstretched hands could feel the comforting warmth of the fire.  We always stayed til the last of the embers had cooled and the fire was just a puddle of ashes until the next raking session in a few days,

But the Fall wasn’t the only time we were entertained by the many talents of maple trees.’ When they went to seed the trees would shed their seed pods and we would catch them as they  twirled their way to the ground like tiny helicopters  They looked like old men’s mustaches and by puckering your top lip you could hold one between your nose and lip and talk like we thought old men used to talk.  And better yet, if you broke the seed pod in half, and separated the actual covering of the seed, there was a sticky substance that allowed you to stick it to the tip of your nose and walk around like that until the stickiness wore off and it fell to the ground.  The seed pod of the maple I came to discover was called a samara.  

As I got older, I began to appreciate the beauty of the maple leaf and discovered the many varieties of maples that exist.  I loved the shape of the leaf, the points and valleys between them.  I loved how the veins brought nourishment to the foliage.  They would branch out toward each of those points assuring me that life can be fulfilling and sustaining.  And then the added bonus of the changes in colors as the seasons changed and they could produce brilliant reds and yellows depending on the variety of the maple.  Sometime in my teens I saw a copy of Vermont Life magazine and it was all about maple syrup and I actually bought a subscription to the magazine.  Vermont seemed like a wonderland of nature, and I wanted at some time to live there with all the maples and syrup I could stand.  The maple leaf became my symbol!  I would draw a maple leaf on my schoolbooks that we all covered with brown paper bags from the supermarket.  To this day I still enjoy the beauty of that simple pattern of nature. I always imagined getting a tattoo of a maple leaf on my arm but never was brave enough to actually do it.  The closest I came to it is putting a maple leaf decal on both sides of my Jeep hood to keep the memory alive.  I did fulfill my dream of living in Vermont after I retired from teaching.  I owned and operated a Bed and Breakfast in a beautiful Vermont town and Vermont proved to be that amazing place where maple trees thrived, and life just seemed simpler!

Reverence for Trees

Don’t get me started on trees! The Ents were my favorite characters in JRR Tolkien stories.  To me, those large, slow moving, ancient tree creatures represent the power of stewardship. It’s no wonder that people have such strong attachment to the mighty entities we call trees. Once I was called to evaluate the fallen carcass of a beloved tree, in order to judge whether the wood was viable for a sculpture. The owners grew up with that tree (as George did with his maple); had named it; climbed it as kids; and wanted the memory of their tree-friend to be showcased in a sculpture.  They felt so strongly that they engaged a wood artist from Ireland to create life-size ballerina figures from their maple.

Actually, I’m doing something similar: making a series of twenty ‘steeple’ pens from pine used in an 1853 construction (as a result of some remodeling of our church’s steeple). When you consider that the 16” boards that came out of the steeple were likely from a 200 year-old pine, this tree was a youngster in 1650!

If you’ve kept up with current events, no doubt you’re aware of the recent outrage over the felling of the Sycamore Gap tree which stood by Hadrian’s wall in Britain. The logger initially (falsely) accused of the illegal cutting said, “If I’d have done a murder, I’d be getting less hassle, you know that?” – and now wears a wig to disguise himself. People have a connection with trees!

The connection is so strong that many animistic religions claim a self-aware life force – a consciousness — in trees. From the sacred ash tree in Norse cosmology (Yggdrasil) to the shinboku trees of the Shinto belief, trees have been used since early times as a means of approaching the divine, particularly through specimens which have lived for many human generations. Some tree populations – especially clonal forests – are estimated to be among the world’s oldest living entities (The Pando Aspen Grove in Utah is said to be between 14,000 and 83,000 years old, connected by a common root system). Some communities respect their elder-trees by taking their name, e.g., Elmsford, named after the 300-year-old Elm used as a landmark by George Washington. George’s maple tree may have been over 100 years old.

And trees communicate. Some call the interconnectivity of the root system the “wood-wide web”, due to the ability of trees to send chemical messages to other trees through mycorrhizal network – an interaction of root and fungi. German author and forest steward Peter Wohlleben described tree interactions in his book, The Hidden Life of Trees (a great book btw).  

All that said, I’m totally on the same wavelength as George! And while I love the many varieties of acer, my strongest association with a tree symbol is quercus, the strong and enduring oak. In fact, I use the oak leaf symbol – a sigil, really – for my woodturning venture: Lost Leaf Turning.

The use of the oak leaf comes from a very intense dream that I had as an adolescent. No doubt it was influenced by the 1954 movie, Prince Valiant. I used to read the comic strip as well, but the movie made an impression. Specifically, Valiant wore a sigil of a horse on his attire, including his over-tunic. In my dream, I was fighting evil-doers and had the pointy red oak leaf on my chest. Very specifically, my over-tunic was white, with a cutout in the shape of the leaf – and the under tunic was forest green, showing through the negative space – producing a green leaf on white background. In a way, it’s kind of reminiscent of George’s green maple leaf on his white jeep.

Of course, I was fascinated with knights and at the right age for such fantasies. However, the image in the dream persists, even sixty-plus years later. The symbolism of the oak for me represents the ability to hold strong to purpose and to live with honor, participating in the mysteries that the ancient celts used to call ‘oak-knowledge’.

This sense of endurance and resilience is found in the poem The Oak Tree, by Johnny Ray Rider Jr.


A mighty wind blew night and day
It stole the oak tree’s leaves away
Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark

But still the oak tree held its ground
While other trees fell all around
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
“How can you still be standing Oak?”

The oak tree said, “I know that you
Can break each branch of mine in two
Carry every leaf away
Shake my limbs, and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth
Growing stronger since my birth
You’ll never touch them, for you see
They are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn’t sure
Of just how much I could endure
But now I’ve found, with thanks to you
I’m stronger than I ever knew.”

I Am Phoenix!

The legendary Phoenix is my symbol!  I didn’t meet this noble creature until I was in my early forties.  It began in the best darn elementary school east of the Mississippi! (Actually west too but I love the phrase so why not?) I don’t remember how I came upon the book but loved reading it aloud on Friday afternoons to all the fifth graders.  Each of the many mythical characters who came in contact with the Phoenix was unique and I was able to formulate a different voice for each.  For years I took these ten and eleven year olds on one adventure after another as the Phoenix attempted to teach David the “important and meaningful” lessons of life.  At the time, it was a great way for me to connect to the students while being appropriately childlike along the way.

Years later, I found myself drawn to the symbol of the Phoenix as well as the traits (admittedly they were embellished in the story) affixed to this creature.  In time, it became somewhat of a representation of both who I am and who I aspired to be — rebirth, passion, tenacity, courage, flight, wisdom, common sense, kindness, competitive, love of sweets, friendship, mentor/coach, love of outdoors, and a playful sense of humor.

The book, written by Edward Ormondroyd, follows the adventures of a young boy named David, who stumbles upon a mythical creature, the Phoenix, in the woods near his home. The Phoenix is a majestic bird with brilliant plumage and the ability to be reborn from its ashes. The two of them quickly become friends, and the Phoenix takes David on a series of magical journeys.Throughout their adventures, David and the Phoenix encounter a variety of mythical creatures and engage in various challenges. The Phoenix imparts wisdom to David and teaches him about courage, friendship, and the importance of kindness. The story is not only a tale of magical adventures but also a coming-of-age narrative, as David learns important life lessons from his extraordinary friend.

At various times in my life I considered getting a tattoo.  The Phoenix, of course, would have been displayed on my forearm. The tattoo will likely never happen, but if it does there is no other symbol I would choose.

My experiences in Temagami, in the Canadian wilderness created lasting changes in how I saw myself and who I was.  And while I didn’t have to enter a funeral pyre and arise from the ashes as did the Phoenix, my fire walk and related encounters provided the ingredients necessary for me to significantly change the course of my life — a rebirth if you will.

At times I am an idealist, a dreamer, and a believer in mind over matter.  And while I am also realistic and relatively grounded in a scientific belief system, I know there is more than meets the eye, more than we can prove, and there are things that defy logic and human understanding.  And in that space between reality and fantasy lies possibilities…maybe even a Phoenix!

“I have been sent to you to see that you get into some trouble. People who never get into any trouble are usually very sad and lonely people.”

 – The Phoenix

No Sub-2-Toots

The other day I was congratulating myself on coming to grips with the preferences in my life. Usually, I take things as they come without a lot of examination. But, I thought, after being on this earth for over 75 years, I should have defined a certain set of clear likes and dislikes based on experience.

For instance, I’ve had some trouble with my feet due to an injured Achilles tendon – and there is one brand of shoe that seems to correct the problem. So, in a swift preemptive strike, I ordered two more pairs of Keen Brixen low-cuts. Because, who knows when they will stop being manufactured? Now it’s true that George calls them ‘clown shoes’ and he’s not completely wrong. Nevertheless, I was patting myself on the back for not only finding my shoe groove, but also for investing in another 4-5 years of hobble-prevention (anti-hobblement, non-hobblemento?).

Armed with that success, I also ordered an extra pair of K-Swiss tennis sneakers – pretty much for the same reason. The shoe bank is prospering and the future looks bright! I felt myself rising, freed up to make other choices based on my newly curated tastes. Maybe it’s time to ‘flex my brand’?

I mean, I have standards –right? I’m not crazy about gel toothpaste. I prefer spinach over green beans; angel hair as opposed to bucatini; peach jam instead of grape jelly; gestalt vs. cognitive; hard sci-fi more than fantasy; Rimsky-Korsakov over Phillip Glass. So why not declare that this is ‘my thing’ – it’s how I define myself?

My 97-year-old friend Dap demonstrated why I should not do that.

I shop for him, as he gave up his driver’s license. His tastes are very well defined – and have caused some disagreeable interactions between us (I think that Dap would characterize these interactions as ‘teachable moments’). After all, his shopping preferences specify Dole sliced peaches, Stewart’s brand white bread (lasts for two weeks), Hood non-dairy creamer, Florida Natural Most Pulp orange juice, General Mills Wheat Chex, Freihofer mini-cakes, Oreo thin cookies (chocolate and lemon), razor thin-sliced Angus roast beef, Land O Lakes white deli cheese, Stouffers frozen turkey dinners, Sam’s Club rotisserie chicken, Twining’s Irish Breakfast tea (square, not the round bags) … and Poland Spring water. I know this list by heart, because it rarely varies – and exceptions are not well received.

For instance, he requested another order of Poland Springs water: has to be 12oz bottles, has to be an 8-pack. But the grocery store featured only the small bottles, or the 12 oz bottles with sippy tops. I picked up the latter. Other than that, every item was as noted.

It turns out that sippy tops are not acceptable. When I brought in the groceries, my friend grew red in the face, slowly stood up and literally bellowed: “NO SUBSTITUTIONS! I have told you over and over that if you can’t get what I want, I don’t want anything!” He was in such a state that he actually became short of breath. To make sure I got the message, he wrote “NO SUB-2-TOOTS” on the next shopping list. (At least we could both laugh about that).

Let’s skip over the fact that he already has an industrial strength water dispensing machine for hot, cold, and room temperature options which holds a 5-gallon water tank; let’s also skip over the several cases of Poland Spring water sitting in his kitchen; let’s skip over the efficacy of Poland Spring water vs. other brands. The issue is entirely due to the cap on the bottle. I’d venture that this is an example of exquisite preference.

So, the question is: when do preferences become requirements; requirements become rules; and rules become commandments? I’m watching a 97-year-old individual paint himself into a corner, isolated by his preferences. After a lifetime of choices, it seems a shame to be defined by a shrinking set of options.

Now I’m scared straight! I think that I’ll hang loose with my curated tastes for a while – gel toothpaste is okay, after all — but I’m keeping my Keens!

Perfectionism by Blue Winged Poet — allpoetry.com

She poured a rainbow
down the toilet; its colors
wouldn’t stop touching.

My Relationship with Preferences

When I was younger, in my late 30’s, I began learning that what I knew to be truth could change with new information.  Scary stuff!  Around that time I began reading Buddhist type material.  One such reading yielded a phrase that remains with me, “…change expectations to preferences…”  The intention here, was in order to become happier, one needed to free oneself from becoming needlessly disappointed when something didn’t occur as expected.  However, if I preferred something to be a certain way, it carried less weight and thus became more acceptable if it didn’t quite turn out the way I had hoped.  This was a guiding principal for me over the better part of my life. 

More recently, I read Michael Singer’s book, “Living Untethered” which challenged me to leave behind my preferences.  He argued that if I simply took things as they are without even caring if they turned out a certain way, the angst, disappointment, and upset I still might feel when having a preference, one way or the other would cease to exist!  While a worthy challenge it is one that requires great diligence and discipline.

However, Wal reminds me that while I might aspire to total acceptance and freedom from want, I am and will always be a passionate, feeling, and responsive being.  I enthusiastically embrace the joy I experience when I meet a goal, accomplish an objective, or it’s a cool sunny day when I hoped it would be.  Knowing that and integrating Wal’s query about our relationship with preferences, especially as we age, I now wonder how it will go from here, for me.  Mind you, Wal has much to learn as the young whippersnapper of our group.  In those 431 days until he’s my age (and even longer to reach George’s longevity 😉 he’ll likely pick up a thing or two about preferences and the acceptance of substitutions and how to avoid falling into the “exquisite preferences” category.  But I thank him for his bringing my attention to this part of our senior lives.  What if we never thought about it?  What if we fell into the mindless behavior of seeking that which we know and brings us contentment without seeing the trap before it springs shut and is so tightly shut that we can no longer see a way out?  His story about Dap is a perfect reminder that staying aware that our choices and our reactions to those things that bring us joy or frustration are the products of our own doing.  Whether we seek to recognize this or ignore the warnings and fall prey to our shrinking perceptions, is the story of our lives yet to be told.

Inflexibility is the worst human failing. You can learn to check impetuosity, overcome fear with confidence and laziness with discipline. But for rigidity of mind, there is no antidote. It carries the seeds of its own destruction.

Anton Myrer – (Marine Corps vet and author)

Life Repeats Itself

Wally’s topic was tough for me.  I didn’t know where to go with my thoughts.  When I read Hen’s piece it gave me an idea.  I was always a little(size) kid, the littlest kid on the block, so I never got picked for teams or games even though I was fast!  Sometimes I got to fetch the ball when it went out of bounds.  Anyway, I am not “poor me-ing” my childhood.  There are many of us who experienced being left out or ignored. Every time I went out to play on the block this is what I learned to expect.  I accepted the role I was assigned and either went along with it or played alone in my room.  I am not sure where I learned to cope. I don’t think my parents ever sat me down and said that I was the little kid on the block and should just accept that as the  way it is. I don’t remember them telling me anything that helped me develop the attitude I eventually did.  I had to survive……period!

Without going into too much detail or hand wringing, my dad was a heavy drinker and not the nicest guy on the block when he had a few.  Everyday, I would worry what he was going to be like when he came home.  More than likely he had stopped at McAuliffe’s at the bus stop on the corner of BowneSt and Northern Blvd for a quicky which became 2 and by the time he walked around the block to our house I could tell he was a few sheets to the wind, as the expression goes.  If I had expected him to come in the door like Father Knows Best, I would have been incredibly disappointed and once again confirmed that I had little power to make things nice.  This went on for years.  And I adjusted my life accordingly, being careful to orchestrate such things as when my friends came over my house, or we were playing in my backyard, it was my job to hide all that from my friends, so that my house seemed just like theirs!  My philosophy developed over time.  I never realized it was buddhist like til I read Hen’s response.  All on my own I decided that expectations or predictions, whatever you call them, cause problems and I had two choices, either never expect anything in which case you never will experience any feeling or expect the worst and when it turned out by chance to be much better than anticipated(childhood logic) I could revel in the positive feelings I was unfamiliar with.  I adopted the latter philosophy and it worked well for me.  In stead of worrying about the outcome of something, just anticipate the worst so that if that is how it turns out I wouldn’t be all upset, BUT if it worked out better than my mind had it managed, I could be over joyed.  That works well for me, even today.  All through my life I worked hard to do my best but that didn’t necessarily change the outcome. BUT when the outcome was what I really hoped and prayed for the feeling of accomplishment and gratitude was terrific.  I did this through college, through my working years and it served me well.  Life got easier as I aged, goals became more easily attainable and I actually learned to love the life I had created.

Fast forward to the present, and I am starting to see the past repeat itself.  There are too many unexpected roadblocks thrown in the way of seniors. Personal health issues, loss of friends and relatives, disappointment at your own body that it can’t do what you want it to, anymore. So, I am finding that old, adopted philosophy that I thought I came up with on my own is seeping into my life again.  I’m not as good at not anticipating things as I was way back but perhaps it is like riding a bike.  The biggest unknown at this point in my life is the loneliness.  My expectations at 77 are very low, that way I can’t be disappointed but if something should develop then I have all this room to celebrate.  I guess you could say I’m a half empty kind of guy who is ok with that because if it should be filled imagine the joy I will experience!

Walking the Senior Balance Beam

Somewhere between the acceptance of my diminishing capacity due to aging and the notion that I am capable of maintaining my current level of physical and mental activity lies a balance. And living in this balance, is, for me, the best way to enter the winter of my life.  In other words, while I won’t deny that my abilities and reaction time are diminishing, it is counterproductive to add to those limitations by reducing my activities and mental mindset.  I believe, it only accelerates the aging process whereby continuing to participate at the present level of activity along with the mindset that “I can” prolongs my current status until I naturally succumb to less.

Sometimes I hear senior-speak accelerate acceptance of their age.  In anticipation that they will no longer be able to play singles pickle ball or hike 5 miles, or stay out past 9:00 pm, they will only play doubles, only go on hikes that are 3 miles or less, or turn down evening events that are scheduled to end at 10:30.  The more we tell ourselves that we are no longer capable, the more we become no longer capable.  

On the flip side,  I hear seniors overstate their abilities in spite of their age.  In denial of the fact that they tire more quickly or cover a singles court at a slower pace, they tell themselves they are as fit as ever and either use excuses to cover their less than youthful performance or convince themselves they must work harder.  While this feels like a more positive approach to aging, it may lead to more frustration and stress as they seek to stay fixed in a state that is no longer able to be sustained.

Somewhere within all of the thinking and beliefs and expectations seniors have for themselves, there is a balance.  A place where we continue to challenge ourselves to do our best without comparison or expectation or need.  In The Four Agreements, by Don Miquel Ruiz, the fourth agreement (Always Do You Best) is defined as, “Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”  And, of course, in doing our best, we simply (this is hardly simple!) accept whatever the outcome.

And so, it is easier for me to accept whatever my best looks like, if I change my old concept of balance in which everything is in a perfect state of stasis. In this case the image is both people on the see saw are of the exact same weight and sit on a horizontal plane across from one another.  This is how I used to interpret balance.  Now, I see balance as more fluid, as moving gently from the middle to 5 or 10 degrees either way.  I now accept that I’m in balance if I’m a bit lopsided in the up position one day or perhaps off center in the down position on another.  I am only concerned when I’m closer to the extremes.  Formerly a rather rigid thinker, I’m allowing myself to become a bit more flexible.  This permission gives me the comfort to accept my less than perfect attempts at whatever I do, to fall within the “okay” realm as I continue to live my senior life walking along my redesigned balance beam.

“If you think you can do a thing or you think you can’t do a thing, you’re right!”

-Henry Ford

On Balance

Hen raises an important subject – maintaining balance, particularly within the aging process. Reevaluating the boundaries of reasonable expectation is a constant exercise. When we were younger, we might count on improving physical skills with practice and experience. On the down side of seventy, there’s a bit more internal negotiation that needs to take place. I guess this is the dynamic balance that Hen talks about: don’t sell yourself short, but don’t set unrealistic goals. Someone’s advice to me was, “whatever you did yesterday, continue to do it tomorrow – right up until the point where you can’t; then adjust”.  

In order to achieve balance, It’s been said that we have three abilities to draw from: the power to stand; to withstand; and to understand. The power to stand is action-oriented – to stand up and take a step, move forward, even though it may be hard to do. It draws on energy and courage. It’s our positive motive.

The power to withstand relates to endurance and adjustment. This strength flows from our ability to adapt to changing circumstances, while keeping core values in sight.

Power to understand portrays our skill in discernment. Analyzing our environment and developing a course of action derives from our ability to understand.

If you were a pilot, the power to stand would be the horsepower of your jet engine and the amount of fuel available for your journey. The power to withstand represents the integrity and agility of the aircraft, which allows you to trim the ailerons to change altitude or direction. It helps you to deal with heavy weather and navigation. Your ability to understand, aids in setting a safe, but efficient and interesting flight plan. These three abilities work together to maintain balance, in my opinion.

Now, in our discussion, George raised the point that sometimes, overwhelming circumstances obliterate any hope of balance: no fuel for the aircraft, hurricanes on the horizon, or broken navigational aids. In our life, we’ve seen people laid low with serious illness and devastating personal setbacks. Yet, I’ve found that even when facing terminal illness, friends that I know have found some sense of balance and adjustment to a ‘new normal’ of diminished options. In fact, it’s really amazing that we can alter our range of expectations so readily. Perhaps that’s why Hen warns of limiting ourselves too early… we get what we expect.

An interesting take on expectations comes from a post in letslearnslang.com:

The Symphony of Unforeseen Wishes

In the silence of our solitude, expectations hum a melody,
Painting pictures of tomorrow, shaping our destiny.
They dance like playful shadows, by the moon’s silvery glow,
Weaving patterns of hope and fear, in the ebb and flow.

These silent whispers of the heart, these sparks in the mind’s night,
Illuminate the path ahead, a beacon of spectral light.
They are the architects of dreams, the cartographers of desire,
In the forge of their promise, we stoke our inner fire.

But expectations, like all gifts, possess a double edge,
They can lead us to the mountaintop or to the precipice ledge.
For when reality bites, and dreams start to fade,
The echoes of unmet wishes can cast a long, dark shade.

Yet, in the grand tapestry of life, they play a crucial part,
Pulsating like a steady rhythm in the symphony of the heart.
They are our north star in the abyss, our compass in the unknown,
Guiding us through the labyrinth of life, to a future yet unshown.

So, navigate with caution, in the sea of these silent pleas,
Where the waves of expectations can drown with subtle ease.
Balance your dreams, your ambitions, your quest for the sublime,
With the understanding that every dream may not shine in time.

Savor the voyage, the adventure, not just the final goal,
Find joy in the making, in the growing of your soul.
For expectations are but whispers, not our absolute decree,
In the chaotic, beautiful symphony of our life’s spree.

Understand that life’s true treasures often lie in the unseen,
In the resilience forged, the wisdom gleaned from where we’ve been.
Even when expectations crumble, or seem to steer astray,
The spirit of perseverance, of hope, will light the way.

So, let your soul echo with expectations, let them take flight,
But ground them with understanding, with gentle, loving insight.
For the symphony of unforeseen wishes can play a bitter-sweet tune,
In the silent hours of longing, under the watchful moon.

And know, dear voyager, in your pursuit of the ideal,
That success is not always about how you make the world feel,
But about the heart that persists, that loves, that dares,
Despite unmet expectations, and the burdens it bears.

For the worth of our journey, when all is said and done,
Is not in the fulfilled expectations, nor in battles won,
But in the heart that, despite the trials, the hardship, the strife,
Stands resilient and hopeful, singing the symphony of life.

A Balancing Act

My life has always been a balancing act.  Not to suggest that there weren’t large amounts of time when things seemed to be in perhaps not perfect balance but at least close to it.  When I was a  little kid it was my job to keep an eye on my dad to make sure he wasn’t drinking too much while he was preparing dinner.  He wouldn’t get mad at me the way he did my mom or older brother so I was the bourbon police.  What a responsibility that was for me.  I would be responsible if he drank too much and got sloppy.  I hated to be the house spy and the weight of the responsibility I had as a little kid was overwhelming.  When I started school I was the little kid, shortest in my class, bullied by the bigger kids all the way up through junior high.   I used to have to either get out of school quickly and run home or wait inside the school doors til the other  kids got a head start and then maybe I could make it all the way home without getting picked on or beaten on. I only wish Robert Gross, my nemesis in 7th grade is reading this. Just the weight of knowing what the options were threw my whole  life at that point out of balance.  It wasn’t til I began high school that I began to feel more secure and accepted.  I was still small  and skinny but for some reason, the hoods were too busy smoking in the bathrooms to be picking on us small kids and I began to find my niche which truly brought some balance to my life.  The world seemed at that point to get easier.  No more looking around corners or planning my escape routes.  Life became simpler, more naturally easy and I found my place in the world  that surrounded me.  Fortunately that was just the beginning of the period of balance in my life as I became even a little popular in high school. That gave me the expectation of it continuing through college, a reasonable expectation.  As my world grew bigger the balance seemed to even out.

College was a hoot, and expanding my world allowed me to interact with all kinds of people including more people like myself.  Balance wasn’t a concern, it was just naturally occurring.  Of course campus life and independence overpowered any concerns about anything else and fun became the focus of the new society I was part of.  It wasn’t til senior year was ebbing when the next wave of imbalance struck. Will I get a job?  Will I even like the job I had been preparing myself for for the last 4 years?  Where will I live?  Marriage, family, home, all started tilting the balance to where I almost fell off the tight rope.  That was a tricky period but one by one things began to fall into place.  The job I was worried about I, fell in love with.  I got married and we bought a house, that long rod that tight rope walkers use to balance their bodies high in the air was getting easier to manipulate and more experiences piled up in the good balance column.  I was feeling at ease with myself, confident of my job and this continued for a good decade and only started to get off kilter when the kids entered those difficult teen years where every parent is tested for capabilities beyond their control.  Those factors of balance were beyond the control of us all and were foisted on us to deal with as aptly as possible, usually clumsy and feeble attempts guiding us through those unbalanced times.

Unbeknownst to me a huge hurdle was about to be thrown at me that I assumed would wreck my balance for good but turned out quite the opposite.  Having hidden my being gay all my life I thought I could simply go on hiding it.  But circumstances developed that required me to make one of the most major decisions of my life.  I decided to come out at 46—-everywhere!  In for a penny, in for a pound as the expression goes.  To obtain any kind of balance that I had recently lost, I had to be truthful in all aspects of my life.  Of  course work was the hardest.  I came out to my principal and colleagues, then friends and family.  To my great surprise it wasn’t a big deal- well to them it wasn’t, and many expressed their knowledge of it for a long time.  In the moment of truth, my life fell into balance like it had never done before.  The panic attacks I had been experiencing for a decade mysteriously disappeared, my gastro -intestinal attacks from colitis and an ulcer eased and my life actually became calmer and more relaxed.  I was once again more balanced.  The truth set me free!  It opened up a whole new realm of exciting possibilities and gave me the confidence to face retirement from teaching head on and opened up a second career for me in the hospitality industry.  A second career I came to absolutely love.  How many people can say they had two full time careers they truly loved?  Balance at work!

Which brings us to today…….Truth requires me to admit this is the last quarter of life for me, and as of now I am still on the right side of the grass, which is something in itself.  However, balance has taken a new form at this point in life, a harder one to deal with.  Before the world had always been expanding, more opportunities, new friendships, experiences.  Now I find the world shrinking, opportunities not being offered unless you consider 10% Senior discounts as opportunities, and of course the most vicious of all, the loss of friends and family.  It is no longer a distant threat with the loss of colleagues, old school buddies, new diagnoses around every bend.  When two old friends meet and begin to converse, the topic of conversation invariable goes to where does it hurt,  how long have you had it,  what meds do you take?  Henry calls these conversations “organ recitals.”   That is a perfect description of these talks and we all have them.  Now I didn’t want to get morbid but the simple truth is balance is much harder at this point in our lives.  Hen and Wal are already gritting their teeth with my “Glass half empty” view of life so let me finish by saying, there is something to be said for years of experience and knowledge gained from all our years of living.  We know how to navigate through a lot of rough water, and have built  in defenses that support us and quell our fears.  We do a damn good job of that but it just has to be said that balance  is harder now adays!  Try putting on your briefs standing up!  Try balancing on one foot for 15 seconds at a time.  Try staying calm after the fifth day in the row of finding the newspaper in the flower bed instead of in the newspaper box by the walkway.  Try remembering what day of the week it is if you forgot to take your pills this morning!  And I might add, a half empty glass allows me to fill it up again with wine!  Wine does wonderful things for balance….you just “forget about it,” as Archie Bunker used to say!

All Alone Am I

I never liked being alone.  Even as a little kid I didn’t enjoy my own company.  My dad worked in Manhattan at a 9 to 5 job and my mom worked at our local hospital from midnight til 8 in the morning,  So when I came home from school I was alone from 3 til 5 cause Dad hadn’t come home yet and mom was sleeping til dinner time. I would do  my homework and then run out and join the other kids playing in the street.  I was never very good at entertaining myself.  That may be one of the few traits of mine that has followed me everywhere up to the present.  A lot of it has to do with low self esteem I am sure.

For most of my adult life I have been partnered, but with the onset of Covid and some other unfortunate circumstances, I have been cast out to fend for myself.  Actually it wasn’t that dramatic!  However, for the first time in my life I bought a house by myself and moved back to the community where my kids grew up and where I had close friendships and connections.  Sometimes circumstances just dictate what you have to do.  I thought I could handle this all on my own.  And,,,,I proved to myself that I could handle it but there was no guarantee that I was going to enjoy it.  Old ghosts rather quickly came to haunt me.  Before, I always had someone to encourage me and calm me down when circumstances required it.  At 70 years of age the old body began to break down and I had no one to tell me things would be all right or we will go through it together.  Not only did I have to go through things alone, I had to deal with an over active imagination about what the pain in my lower stomach meant.  The glass was definitely half empty at those times. I am not very good at soothing myself or developing alternative possibilities to what could be causing the pain!  That is just one area I have trouble dealing with alone!  I’d be remiss if I didn’t add making major decisions alone about life or the house. NO one to run it by…..to clarify……to annoy…or all of the above.. all necessary when making major decisions.

Another area I have trouble with is doing things for enjoyment.  Most of the things I did for fun always included another person.  Sheer beauty or happiness or even sorrow is so much better when you can share it with someone you care about.  A beautiful sunset is a work of art but watching it alone makes it seem empty and ten minutes later I have to ask myself if it really happened.  I love to laugh but find it uncomfortable to laugh alone.  It just isn’t as funny.  This past Friday, Wally and I went back to our old college haunts and met with 4 fraternity brothers (a gaggle of old farts)to plan an upcoming reunion at the college.  In the course of the conversation, we started laughing and griping about all sorts of things and we cackled for a good hour straight.  Not just that polite chuckle, but guffaws from the belly, the kind of uncontrollable laugh that comes from the pit of the stomach and is probably much better blood pressure medication than anything you can get at the pharmacy.  I continued laughing all the way home in the car and later that night when something would pop back into my mind.  One of the guys in the group said, as we were saying good bye in the bar/restaurant, “If you need proof of true affection, we just experienced it!”  He was right on the money!  But for me that kind of thing can only happen in the company of others.

So now at 77, I live alone!  I don’t know what to do with myself cause I don’t enjoy doing things alone.  I love my little house and I tend to the gardens as best I can, and have the place decorated with all the art work and antiques I have collected over the years.  I am proud of it, but it still feels like something is missing- another person. Someone to cuddle on the couch with, to snuggle by the fire with, to stand holding each other watching an incredible thunder storm sweep through the area, and squeezing each other tight as a loud surprise burst of thunder strikes and scares us.  But, that isn’t to be….. at least for now.

OK, OK, I know I have to quit whining.  So what am I going to do  about it?  A  thought came to me to try and think about times when I actually enjoy being and doing things alone.  So the list isn’t too long right now…..This isn’t a complete list but it is what I can identify as things I truly don’t need other people to enjoy, in fact they would probably interfere with my enjoyment of them.  The first thing that came to mind is my jeep.  I LOVE my jeep and I love driving it.  I have used it to move three times, to load antiques to take to my shop when I owned it.  Just to rub things in, as I am typing this old Mother Nature is beating my street with a beauty of a thunderstorm.  All I can think about is standing in front of my huge window in the arms of another and watching the lightning and counting the seconds til the thunder claps to figure out how far away the lightning struck….but I digress!  I like to drive somewhere I have never been before, crank up the radio, sing at the top of my lungs, and enjoy the scenery as it passes by.  I can speed up or slow down to study something that interests me.  I especially enjoy doing that at night cause I like to take sneak peeks into people’s homes and imagine what the family is like that lives there.  My imagination takes over and the story develops- what does dad do for a living?  Mom’s sister lives with the family and she watches the kids most of the time and so it goes.  I can’t do that when other people are in the car with me!  I also like mowing the lawn.  Something is soothing seeing the rows of mowed grass develop a pattern on the lawn.  It is immediate satisfaction     and when complete I feel accomplished, an achievement that adds to the coziness of my house.  The same thing is true of tidying up the garden, making sure the flowers are plush and the beds are weed free.  Digging in the dirt kind of reminds me of being a kid and daring the girl next door to eat dirt!  I like sitting at my dad’s desk and writing out bills, filing them away, straightening up the cubbies and the drawers and making sure that when I pull the drop down desk back up that it is as neat and organized as it was when I started.  The other thing I enjoy by myself is meandering through the aisles of a big antique shop where I can take as much time as I want looking through things.  I love searching through piles of stuff for that one piece I have to have. I can spend hours doing that. The trouble is, how do I incorporate these things into my life so that I can actually begin to enjoy myself alone for most of the time.  Of course, the worst time is around 10 pm when the street becomes quiet and the effect of being alone really sets in.  Maybe someday I will discover the secret.  I am tired like Brenda Lee was of being  alone with just the beat of my heart!

Better Alone?

Better Alone?

I look at George and see a person who is energized by social interaction. When we talk, it’s pretty apparent that he reaches out to engage in many interactions with friends, former students, and past colleagues. George is outgoing and comfortable – except apparently, when he is by himself. I certainly wish that the intimacy and easy connection he seeks becomes a reality. 

When George posed the topic of ‘Activities I like to do solo’, I would have guessed wrong as to his top items: driving in his jeep, doing bills, weeding the garden, searching for antiques. Antiques aside, I might have expected writing, drawing, and model railroading to be on the list. And certainly, after 50 years, I know George well enough to tease him about driving around at night peering into people’s homes. In fact, I have already reported him to the local constabulary (“yeah, he’s a jeep guy singing in his car looking in folks’ windows – can’t miss him; has rubber duckies on the dashboard”). At least that may result in new relationships with uniformed individuals. After all, what are friends for, George?

Okay, so now it’s my turn to ‘fess up: I sort of like to be alone – at least for portions of the day. When I’m alone, I can obtain focus free from distraction. Perhaps there are two broad categories of things I can do better by myself: tasks that I “ought” to do and tasks that I’m “called” to do. There’s a big difference between the two.

Usually, I put off obligatory demands… But when alone, there seem to be less excuse for ignoring all those projects which lay half done or unstarted. These items may vary, but currently range from fitting baseboard in an extra room, reseating the tail light cover on the truck, or maintenance of the brick walk at the museum. Obligations where I’m lacking skills, but also have no desire to improve those skills. 

Unfortunately, I’m haunted by unfinished business. Solo, I will at least mentally break the activity down into manageable pieces and force myself to take baby-steps to complete elements of the work. I’d be safe in guessing that we all have these lurking “to-dos”, where any distraction is a ready-made avoidance reason. But when I’m by myself, these to-dos seem to stand tall and stare at me.

The second broad area of solo tasks is actually not so broad at all, because it’s really about achieving focus. Hen and I have had some discussion about “flow”, that state where all activity seems to effortlessly stream from the unconscious, or barely self-analytic, aspect of our make-up. It’s when you’re ‘in the flow’ and totally riveted in doing what is at hand.

You know how this goes: you follow your curiosity to a new place, find the joy of discovery, as well as the desire to try something new — something new just beyond your reach – but achievable! It takes all your concentration, like riding a bike for the first time. There’s no time to think: just do

For me, it can be conceptual: reading a book that opens a door to another worldview, leading to more research. Or it can be hands-on, like trying a technique that improves your ability to achieve a goal. It is purpose-driven. I find this often while attempting to make something from a slab of wood. It is addictive, but – at least for me – easier to achieve while by myself.

I think George was on this path when he mentioned his pleasure in driving alone – following his curiosity, trying a new route; finding the joy of discovery. George related an experience where he came upon some historic stone houses nestled in the middle of undeveloped land on a back country road… and wondering about the origin stories of these dwellings, while trying not to lose his way. Sounds like fun!

Perhaps some things are better when you explore your own time and space.  So, drink in the light! (No, Geo, that’s not “drink in the night”: read it again).

Here’s a poem by Lizella Prescott:

Singularity
She is alone.A loner.On her own.A single singularitydrinking in the light.

Alone and Together

While I would describe myself as a social person, I often enjoy being alone.  Not by choice, I spent many childhood hours alone or with my dog.  Due to a variety of reasons, I wasn’t well liked by the general population of neighborhood children and as a result, spent lots of time in the nearby woods exploring nature with my shepherd collie.  Likely because I never knew what it was like to be part of a larger group of friends, playing alone in the natural environment was what I knew.  You can’t miss what you never had so this was enough for me. In high school, I became part of a small group of accepting friends and enjoyed the benefits of socializing as well as having alone time.  Fast forward to the present and I find myself in a similar state.  I have a wonderful partner and a small circle of friends but also find myself spending weeks or longer by my(human)self but in the company of my four footed companion, Duke.  And, about 90% of the time, it works very well.

To mitigate the downside of his loneliness, George closes “All Alone am I” by identifying the things he does that are enjoyable because of his single status.  He reminds me of the things I prefer to do alone as well as the joy I get from certain activities with or without my partner.  For example, I love taking care of the outside of my property.  Cutting the lawn, making and maintaining hiking and off road trails, vegetable and flower gardening, and wood cutting are deeply satisfying physical chores.  I get to exercise my muscles, spend time thinking while doing repetitive tasks, and often get into the flow that Wal describes in his rejoinder.  When alone, I also feel good about what I am still able to accomplish, by myself, with my own two hands.  But when I’m doing some of these with Teresa (I say some because we haven’t yet tried riding the lawn tractor together – after all, we’re still new to the neighborhood!) I not only appreciate the help but feel the closeness of shared and often playful time spent together.  This dual enjoyment – working alone or with another (sometimes with my grandchildren) also includes creating the morning on the porch, watching a movie, or being in nature.

In some of those cases I have a preference to be alone.  As I’m easily distracted when someone speaks to me, I’d rather drive alone, cut the grass alone (until I get a bigger seat), and read and write alone.  As soon as someone speaks to me while I’m doing any of these things, I might easily pass my turnoff or lose my place since my brain literally can only do one thing at a time and, lately, very slowly!

Currently, I’m updating all of the light switches and outlets in my house as well as door knobs and light fixtures.  Since I’m not a trained carpenter or electrician, I often find obstacles that are unique to me that require lots of research, trial and error, and plain think-time.  My brain functions in a very specific order that allows me to stay focused and eventually get to an acceptable solution.  However, if someone offers a suggestion or asks a question that isn’t in the order in which my mind is processing, it throws me off, gets me confused, and sometimes upset (dare I admit, angry?)  Then, if the suggestion or question happens to lead me to a quicker or better solution, it takes me a lot of zen practice and time to get to the point of accepting and appreciating it.  So, while I’m not proud of this behavior, I do know that my preference is to do it alone…for all concerned!

I am a most fortunate man to have the time to do things alone as well as time to share with another.

“When nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?” ~Charles Bukowski (German-American poet, novelist, and short story writer.)

Good Will Hunting

Our last post focused on endings and farewells. I’d like to take a turn to highlight beginnings. Even at our advanced age, we three old guys engage in new starts – and don’t we all? Beginnings hold hope — and sometimes we need to be reminded that life is sweet. There is a cartoon from the New Yorker that shows two individuals looking at the display in a bakery shop. One says to the other: “Mini cupcakes never solved anything”.

I’m here to disagree.

A couple of months ago we got a call from our friends Gail and Bruce. They asked us to join them in sampling cupcakes to determine which flavors to order for their son’s wedding reception. Well, Bruce and Gail are… thoroughscientific. They share a quality I’ve observed in the characters from the Big Bang Theory; that is, the ability to step out of the frame, hold something up to the light for dispassionate examination, and then step back into the frame to enjoy the moment.

So, we visited their home and met a half dozen folks assembled for the sampling. I knew none of the people who were present, but it turns out that many of us had previously worked for IBM and stories were shared about that particular technical universe. Bruce regaled us about installing a miniature video camera (years before Go-Pro) in his model railroad engine and casting the image to a screen in real time, captivating IBM engineers at a party – and the major new product demonstration that almost failed, due to fingernail clippings in a keyboard. Each person had a story. In short, we bonded over cupcakes.

Fast forward to the actual reception. It was planned as a backyard outdoor event: “meadow chic”. It rained most of the day but cleared up just before we drove to their house. The tents, food truck, port-a-potties, parking spaces were all carefully planned, the result of months of active analysis. People found their own affinity groups under the tent – we sat with the ‘cupcake crew’ from the tasting. This was the east coast reception, which followed a west coast wedding. However, people came from as far away as Australia.

And then something extraordinary happened.

The tagline for the reception was “W-squared”, which derived from the fact that both the bride and groom family names began with “W”. Over champagne and hours d’oeuvres, friends and family members each took the mic to express their joy at this marriage. Brother, sister, mothers, fathers — all spoke, then hugged. The groom’s uncle acted as the emcee and questioned whether the earlier rain was a good or bad wedding omen – he concluded that it was a good omen, washing everything clean for their new life, symbolizing tears which have no further need to be shed.

Bruce talked about his great joy to be present. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer almost two years ago and given only months to live. You need to know that Bruce and Gail set goals and immerse themselves in the execution of the tasks. (For instance, Bruce has also published a book during this period and authors a weekly blog, but that is a tale for another time). While still in treatment, he described how the goal of witnessing at this event has helped to carry him through. Bruce expressed his love for his son Andrew and in particular, Andrew’s dedication to principle. He said that his son has made the father a better man.

In turn, each person presented a clear, transparent, and genuine sentiment for Emily and Andrew.  It was a testament to selfless good will. Each person, when in the spotlight, had to recover from heartfelt tears in order to continue. (It was pointed out that less tears have been shed at funerals). But these were tears of joy – the message clear that this was a marriage between two families, not simply between two individuals. Isn’t that way it ought to be?

However, the words that struck home were from Andrew’s twin brother, Bradley. He said kindness is underrated and that it is misunderstood as a personality trait. He made the case that kindness is a skill; the ability to consider others’ needs and respond to those needs. It is a learned behavior which can be improved. He pointed out that both Emily and his brother have that the skill of kindness and it remains strongest basis for a fulfilling life.

No sweeter words have been said. If you are looking for a reason for existence, look no further. Here’s some lines from I Don’t Believe by Paul Simon

"Acts of kindness
Like rain in a drought
Release the spirit with a whoop and a shout..."

Starting Over

Wal reminds us of new beginnings.  As I think back on my life, I recognize that experiences and relationships cycle through beginnings, middle, and endings.  In my career, I often felt the most enthusiasm and energy from beginnings.  I was also good at the early parts of the middle of a project or experience as I learned to watch it evolve and adapt to what needed more of my attention or replacing something that wasn’t working as effectively as I or we would have liked.  Once I got to the latter part of the middle where maintenance became the focus, I was less enthused and consequently less of a support to the process.  Endings were also not my forte unless the demise of one experience meant the beginning of another.

Today I am in the throes of new beginnings.  Setting up a new home in a new location has set the stage for making daily decisions about how I want to live my life.  Old routines established by space, distance, color, landscape, and such are now completely changed.  Adjusting and adapting are necessary factors as I re-establish my daily functions.  Where I make my coffee, how I navigate the landscaping as I cut the lawn, and where all of my “stuff” is located, is new.  And while some of it takes a bit of effort, most of it energizes me. 

Whereas in my apartment, my physical activity was limited to taking walks and preparing meals, presently, there is an endless checklist of things to do that require being up and about with little to no down time.  And not only am I fixing, replacing, and restoring with my newly rediscovered tools but my mind is also incredibly more active and “on” while I sort through decisions on each of these projects.  I feel fully engaged in my life throughout the day and totally exhausted at nightfall.  For me, a perfect way to be!

As if all of that isn’t enough, I am also adjusting through the newness of no longer living alone.  With the exception of a brief visit to her grandchildren in Florida or a work related trip to the Hudson Valley, Teresa is now here until late fall when she migrates south for the winter to where I will follow shortly after.  Sharing decisions on where and what on a regular basis is most certainly new and taps into all areas of my being (and Teresa’s as well).

There is a saying, “You don’t stop playing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop playing!”  Well, perhaps buying a house and starting a “move in” relationship in my mid 70’s and beginning all the new ways of living that go along with each will also help me keep my sense of youthfulness.  What if the body and mind adapt to what we choose to do and if they are fully engaged in new beginnings, they will assume we’re still able and capable?  I guess I’m going to find out.

“Take the first step in faith.  You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

 “And suddenly you know: It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”

Meister Eckhart (A 13th century German Theologian)

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

As the sun rises, so another day begins.  We have beginnings all the time many of which pass through our lives without our realization or recognition.  Endings are often more memorable and more often acknowledged.  Each day, by its very nature, is a new beginning, but it is the events that occur within those days that are acknowledged, celebrated or mourned. By my calculation I have already experienced 28,105 beginnings.  Many of those early beginnings I wasn’t much aware of.  They were significant beginnings for  me but I hardly had awareness however they were certainly substantial beginnings for my parents, brother and family.  Perhaps my brother viewed it differently as he had been in the limelight for 8 years till I came along.  “New beginnings” is redundant as all beginnings by definition are new.

As kids we have numerous beginnings, some excite us and some we look upon with trepidation or even fear- starting school, going to high school, off to college.  All these beginnings bring excitement with new friends and new places. Some I actually just gritted my teeth and pushed forward and found to my excitement they led to wonderful middles and even endings!  Next came careers, and relationships, and kids.  There is no shortage of beginnings…….then retirement, which included an uncertainty I wasn’t sure how to deal with at first.  But an opportunity arose to move to Vermont and open a Bed and Breakfast.  Plunged into that beginning with little knowledge of what I was doing I discovered I was good at it just as I was in my 35 year long teaching career.  But the characteristics of all these beginnings were similar.  New people to deal with, new scenery, new friends, new responsibilities, new tasks never before approached.  Actually in the  inn business, every weekend is a new beginning, a challenge and an opportunity to meet new friends and new rewards and the days and years fly by with regular daily beginnings we don’t even recognize or acknowledge!  Then that too, after 15 years comes to an end and we are forced to find our next beginning.  This particular retirement was harder than the first because nothing loomed in its place.  I moved back to where my kids grew up, and having just come out of a relationship there were definite scary challenges I had to deal with. Then up popped another beginning.  The chance to open an antique shop with a friend and so another leap of faith.  New scenery, new faces, new challenges.  For a guy in his early 70’s it was working out pretty well.  I got into a groove, enjoying myself being a shop keeper and then abruptly, without warning a new ending- Covid struck.  Now what?  After 52 years of working, I put my working days to rest and decided this new beginning would be a life of leisure………….or so I thought!

Perhaps because with Covid, not only did my store close down but social interaction came to an abrupt halt.  For the first time in my life I now had to learn how to be alone which included the difficult task of learning to like myself.  Like everyone else, two years passed by with little personal interaction.  My floor boards got worn down from my constant walking from my bedroom to my kitchen to my living room and back.  The scenery didn’t change,  no new friends to meet, and no opportunity to get together with the old friends.  Time passed, Covid eased, life slipped back into normal mode pretty much, however certain things I started noticing–subtle changes, ones that scared me. Now the early 70’s silently slipped to the latter 70’s and I noticed more endings occurring.  My new social life consisted of doctor appointments, lunching with former students and friends and, unfortunately funerals, the ultimate endings.

That’s why right now I am having trouble seeing the next beginning.  Even the prospect of a beginning is hard to visualize but I have been fooled before and hopefully an opportunity of some sort will be presented to me.  Unlike Wally and Henry, my glass historically tends to be half empty most of the time.  With the passing of my close friend just recently I am having difficulty visualizing my next beginning, but as the sun rises so a new day is born and with fingers, toes and eyes crossed and with nightly prayer perhaps around the corner is my next beginning!

The Drawer is Open!

I have been struggling for a few weeks now.  A very close friend was diagnosed with Stage 4 esophageal cancer that had metastasized in his liver, lungs and lymph nodes.   It was a very bleak diagnosis without much hope of any curative procedures addressing it.  One night around 9pm he called me and said he just got a call from his doctor with the results of his blood work and the doctor told him he was severely anemic and he should get to an ER immediately.  He said he was going to wait til the next day to go and I said, “Like Hell” and ran over, picked him up and off we went to Northern Dutchess Hospital ER.  They admitted him right away and gave him the first of 2 blood transfusions.  The first one didn’t work but the second one took hold.  With his symptoms and concerns they decided he couldn’t leave until they performed a colonoscopy and an endoscopy.  The endoscopy procedure identified the cancer and set all this into motion. From the very diagnosis he pretty much decided this was his death notice and began getting his affairs in order, accepting the truth, and trying to decide how to protect himself from the pain that more than likely would be associated with the end of his life.  His friends, myself included, weren’t quite as ready to accept his impending demise as he was.  With the help of his doctors and his loyal friends we encouraged him to begin chemo treatments and immunotherapy  treatments in the hope of slowing the process down and giving him some hope of survival.  There are new wonder drugs out  now and hope springs eternal….but not in Sal’s case.  I took him down to Sloan Kettering in Westchester County for one of his first chemo treatments.  Things went well, the treatment was relatively easy and painless, giving us both hope.  I was shown how to remove the chemo needle from the port two days after treatment and with great trepidation I agreed to be the official needle remover from the port in his chest.  He went through 4 chemo treatments before his next scan only to  discover the chemo did absolutely nothing to shrink any of the tumors or lesions,  In fact the number of lesions in his liver increased considerably. After much conversation, debate, and disbelief Sal and his doctors decided to end treatment and allow it to take its course.  That was in mid January…..By the second week in May he had passed

I have lost a lot of people in my life.  Both parents, my brother, aunts, uncles and friends have all passed in previous years as well as another dear friend also with esophageal cancer.  I miss them all terribly and there are empty spots all through me where their life forces once filled the holes.  But they all died at times and places where I was not present.  Sal is the first human I actually watched deteriorate, decompose and die in front of my very eyes.  Stepping back a moment, Sal and I met 8 years ago when I returned to NY after selling my inn.  We were both freshly out of relationships, had 2 adult children each, living alone for the first time in a long time, we were around the same age and similar in a lot of other ways as well.  The friendship developed quickly and mutually.  We shared many of the same friends and traveled in the same circles.  So our friendship grew very strong.  10pm calls were common to complain about our kids, the crazy state of American politics, ask advice, give advice and plan things to do.  It was very comforting especially because we both were newly out of relationships where all of that was build in. Now, once again we had someone to commiserate with, to complain to, to be encouraged by or made fun of for stupid remarks.  We each filled a need in the other’s life and things were good.

Sal’s disease struck suddenly, and the progression of it was so swift none of us was prepared for it with the exception of Sal, thank goodness.  But Sal had a group of loyal friends who in combination with his two sons, came together and started providing all the services and care he needed.  Grocery shopping, witnessing wills, driving him to appointments and the most important of all, visiting and talking with him during this terrible time. That was the most difficult part for me was just trying to be with him and comfort him.  What could I possibly say, what do we talk about, how do I make him feel better.  One day in a meager attempt at humor myself and another friend were sitting on his bed while he was laying down, and he pointed to his dresser and asked me if I would close the bottom drawer which was open about a half an inch.  Sal always was a little compulsive, but something just came over me and in a loud incredulous voice I said, “That’s what you are upset over?  The drawer is open a quarter of an inch while you can’t even get up out of bed?”  We laughed but driving home that night I felt terrible that I was that insensitive.  That Sunday, Sal threw his own 74th birthday party to give him the opportunity to say good bye to all his friends.  That was the last good day he had.  It was a great party and many of his friends came from all around the area.  It was truly joyous. That week things went down hill suddenly.  He called me to come over midweek cause his lawyer was coming and he needed a witness to update his will and trust. He had trouble sitting up that day but got through all the legal stuff and he was obviously relieved to have all that taken care of.  This was after he arranged for a priest to come to give him last rites, which actually never occurred.   That Friday his son called and asked if I could come over and sit with Dad while they went to temple on Saturday.  I got there around 10, he was still in bed and I came in the room and we chatted.  He slept for a little while and then asked if I could help him into the living room.  He was lying on his side and I lifted him upright which he couldn’t do for himself.  I helped him stand and put his wheeled walker in front of him and he asked me to walk in front cause the wheels sometimes went too fast for him.  We crept into the living room and got him set up on the couch.  He was a little hungry so i got him some fruit and yogurt and he ate a tiny bit of it only to regurgitate moments after.  We were talking and he fell asleep, moaning from the pain in his stomach. This went on and off for about 2 hours and I realized he probably didn’t even know I was there.  He was a shell of his former self having lost about 40 lbs in 2 months.  I realized he was dying right before my eyes.  When his son got home I made it to the car just before I broke down.  Sal passed two days later.

Since then I have been having a lot of difficulty.  That hole that is left that Sal filled hurts.  Politically we were in synch so when something happens that I know he would like I want to call and talk to him about it.  When 10 pm comes I expect the phone to ring but it doesn’t.  I was telling my doctor about it this week and he said that being privileged to witness the death of a loved one is one of the most intimate moments two people can share, probably the most painful but also the most intimate.  Something a person never gets over but works through.  It exaggerates my loneliness, the issues I was dealing with (or not) since my relationship ended and am alone.  He and I were simpatico, in synch, shared much in common and now that person is gone.  Knowing you are in the last chapter of life makes all of this more poignant.  I want to go out laughing and living life regularly, not morphined up and counting the seconds til relief finally comes.

Connections

George is grieving his friend: it is difficult and exhausting. It’s said that grief is a process, but I wonder if we emerge whole at the far end of that process. As individuals, we make sense of the world by establishing a sense of continuity. Death exposes the vulnerability of that proposition. 

George’s piece evoked a number of feelings and it’s hard to know how to respond. He was given the most substantial gift a dying person can bequeath: a seat on the last train leaving the station – the opportunity to be a companion on the final journey. This speaks to the connection between George and Sal. Knowing George, he brought compassion, concern and humor to the situation; an ideal traveling companion.

But now that Sal has gone on to parts unknown, the lost connection has become tangible. When the brain loses connections between synapses, we call it Alzheimer’s disease. Currently, there is no cure. How do we treat the loss of connections in the heart? Many of us have lost numbers of connections in our social fabric – and the losses mount as we age. We rely on this network of loved ones as opportunities to transmit our feelings and affections, as well as to receive love and feedback. Loss of these connections can shrink our world.

It is easy to say that the obvious solution is to simply make new connections. And that certainly is good advice. After all, the brain repairs itself: new experiences establish new connections. If the analogy holds, so can the heart establish new emotional bonds. But perhaps, we are not ready to leave behind the strong ties we have just lost.

So, George has taken a first step: that is, to honor his friend in his writing – to keep the connection alive. Highlighting those experiences, he shared with Sal reinforces the significance of that person in your own life as well.  Our friends shape us. 

At times like this, I think it is important to celebrate those connections with other friends. It reinforces the connections that remain and acknowledges the temporary condition we all face together. 

A stanza from When We Two Parted, by Lord George Gordon Byron

They name thee before me,

A knell in mine ear;

A shudder come o’er me –

Why wert thou so dear?

They know not I knew thee,

Who knew thee too well –

Long, long shall I rue thee,

Too deeply to tell.

Celebration and Acceptance

George shared his grief and sense of loss and found solace in doing so.  What he feels, what it triggers, and how it impacts his emotional well being, is only known to him.  Despite his openness, his conscious vulnerability, and his choice of words, we can never really understand what he is going through.  It is indeed a solo and lonely experience, whether we live alone or with a large family.  In the final analysis, when we move into our thoughts all that follows is ours alone to endure.

One of the many gifts I receive from speaking with these two other “old guys” every week is the ability to openly express my feelings and ask direct questions about death, dying, and living in our waning years.  An otherwise, taboo topic or at least one that is more often avoided rather than encouraged, the mystery and power of knowing I will eventually die is gratefully diminished as a result of this ongoing banter.  The more we dig deep to respond to each other’s thoughtful questions the more comfortable I become with the inevitable.  The more I recognize our overlapping fears and thoughts and hopes, the more I realize that I am part of a common and universal journey which affects all of humanity.  I feel less afraid, more prepared, and clearly motivated to make the most of what time I have left.  I wonder what it would be like if these kinds of conversations became more commonplace, especially among families.  Would we not fear less?  Might we make more time to forgive, accept, and live with more compassion and love?

Funerals, memorials, and wakes loom larger, for men of our vintage, than weddings, births, and other light-hearted gatherings.  Yet all are celebrations of life.  All bring friends and families together.  The passing of a loved one brings us in touch with others who not only share the loss but with the possibility of reconnection.  And doesn’t reconnecting with distant family and friends provide the potential for establishing deeper relationships than was possible before?

Each age has its benefits and its challenges.  The secret, I believe, is to create a mindset that recognizes and celebrates the benefits and accepts the challenges regardless of the decade in which we reside.

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.”

Marcus Aureliu

Beyond a Doubt!

We make decisions, sometimes with certainty, but almost always followed by doubts.  And so it is with my decision to finally buy a house and property that feels perfect for me, for now but not what I spent more than two years in search of.

As one of the three “Old Guys” who walked into a bar some four years ago, I think like a kid but measure behaviors by my age.  Living with Duke in my apartment has been a new and challenging experience.  Living with the daily (and nightly!) noise and odors from the nearby trucking company, numerous construction sites, and 24-hour commercial businesses (A humongous Amazon warehouse is one of them) coupled with the limitations of a 3rdfloor apartment has been for me, difficult.  As an outdoor kid who relishes the peace and quiet and enchantment of nature the expiration date for doing without was past due.  

This house didn’t match my requirements for the style, the size, the required updated features, or the accessibility to a first floor bedroom but was filled with light and open spaces and a screened in porch.  A stretch for sure, especially considering the out of reach additional costs required to convert it to my dream home.  But it does sit on a very nice piece of property.  Enough land to provide room to roam and to garden and enough privacy to feel like the retreat I once had.  And the views!  Out of each window of this cul-de-sac house I can see woods and open space and the marshlands of Silver Run Creek, a preserve that is protected from any development.  My decision was clear and swift.  I made the offer and told the seller’s agent I wanted a response by noon the next day.  In this crazy market, it usually works the other way around where I would have to meet the listing agent’s timeline, often competing with numerous buyers offering outrageous above-list prices.  This time it was different.  They said yes within my parameters.  Clearly this was meant to be!  This was yet another factor that affirmed my decision.  

Tomorrow morning I will attend the closing and will begin the process of taking ownership and making more decisions about what to update and how much to spend and whether or not it will be worth the cost for me as well as the return value on the home.  Last night, as I considered taking out yet more money from my investment savings to meet my project ideas, I experienced “the doubts.”  Should I have waited longer for a smaller more updated home?  Am I too demanding in my requirements for the property?  Should I have spent less?  Do I really need to update to make me happy?  Am I leaving myself enough investments to carry me through potential elder care issues?

Perhaps.  But, if not now, at the ripe young age of 76 ½, then when?  What if the work I look forward to doing around the house provides the exercise, inspiration, and energy needed to live healthier and longer?  What if I had waited longer and fell into such despair that I would be unable to enjoy a better-suited purchase?  For me, for now, I am ready to cast aside the doubts and move forward.  Peace and quiet and new adventures, here I come!

“I Go to Seek a Great Perhaps!” (Again!) – Francois Rabelais

Heart vs Mind

I had trouble deciding how I would respond to Henry’s piece about decision making.  Buying a house is a huge decision that has to be made and one that is not easily rectified if you screw it up!.  I understand the frustration, worry and second guessing that goes into such decisions and that is why I wasn’t sure what I could add to the discussion. I would come up with an idea and then talk myself out of it, realizing that my idea didn’t contribute anything significant.  I fretted and postponed, argued internally with myself for days.

And that is when the realization came to me and the clarity was unmistakable!  I was doing the same thing  I always do when I have to decide, except that factors come to play in the process.  Never having put much thought into my decision making until now at almost 77, it became crystal clear how I go about it!

I have had to make major decisions many times. I purchased 5 houses in my life.  When I was married I pretty much deferred to my partner because that was easy, and then I had someone else to blame if things went south.  But there were certain things that I took the lead on because they were things that I held the strong belief that I was doing the right thing.  Adopting my children, and dealing with the county social services required many decisions and a constant but not aggressive pressure.  I was determined to make it happen and I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.  And therein lies the rub!  The major decision making was easy once I knew in my heart it was right for me.  Every house I ever purchased I knew as soon as I walked into it, it was the right fit. I just knew!  I felt it, it fit me.  It was the emotional connection that is within my heart that made those big decisions easy for me.  And once those kinds of decisions are made there is no second guessing because I just “feel” they are right. I just felt in my heart it was time to retire- a huge decision.  My partner wanted us to buy an inn, and I was ok with that but knew in my heart I wanted it to be in the northeast to be near my kids.  So the next chapter of my life was running an inn in Vermont and it was definitely the right choice.

The minute my intellect gets involved is when the trouble starts.  If the decision isn’t important enough to be heart capturing, then my mind takes over and hence…. agita! The intellect starts whispering to me.  What ifs and second guesses creep in and the decision all of a sudden becomes much more complicated than it really is.  Fretting becomes my middle name as I run through multiple scenarios that muddy the decision further.  Lists of pros and cons, seeking advice from others who have difficulty deciding things themselves, and then endless second guessing results.  And for me the sad thing is the decisions that I make this way are usually not worth the time and worry I put into deciding.  They just aren’t that important to me.

So, yesterday it just came to me.  Heart vs Mind/ Emotion vs intellect.  When faced with a significant decision, my emotion takes over and I basically trust that it will lead me to the right course of action.  The minute my intellect gets involved is when all the what if’s and how about’s start eating away at my brain and causing little pockets of doubt that tend to spread and grow.  I am not suggesting everybody’s decision making process works the same way, but for me, the more important the decision that has to be made, the heart is the organ I use and can depend upon for successful actualization.  I am just not as comfortable in the intellectual realm.  That’s just the way I am wired.  I have to end this now cause I am starving.  I think I’ll go for pasta, but I had pasta yesterday, and I want some wine but I hate to pay 10-12 bucks for a glass when I could get a bottle for that price and stay home.  Maybe I’ll call a friend and see what he wants to do, then I don’t have to make the decision at all!

Between Two Pines

I am happy for Hen! It has been pretty clear that he has been making a good face in a poor situation for two years. He and Duke are at home in the open spaces, not holed up in a concrete bunker by the Amazon warehouse.

And yet, even though Hen says this house was not quite perfect right out of the box, it reminds me of his previous happy home: connected to expansive woods and water feature. It’s ripe for exploration and I can see a good fit!

But he raises the issue of decision making and the ‘yips’ that sometimes accompany a path you’re not quite sure is the most suitable.  Generally speaking, I think those doubts usually subside once the decision is made. Most folks are a little shaky pre-decision, but more positive once they have made a choice. After all, we’re at least moving forward and usually too busy attending to the follow-up activity resulting from our decision.

John Muir famously said that “Between every two pine trees there is a door, leading to a new life”. Decisions are like that – they open a door displaying a new vista, with lots more choices to make. Of course, my grandson edited Mr. Muir’s comment to read ‘Between every two pine trees, there are two more pine trees’. And yes, decisions are like that as well. Always more vistas and more choices…

A friend of mine is of the opinion that people make decisions emotionally and then rationalize why they came to their conclusions. In other words, decisions come from the subconscious and only later made logical in the conscious mind.  There’s some truth to that. Despite our best efforts to categorize and analyze the wants and needs underlying our choices, we don’t really have a grip on all of our motives. Malcolm Gladwell agrees. In books like The Tipping Point and Blink he documents the readiness we all have to very quickly make judgements, even without a lot of data.

George told Hen, ‘You’ll know when a house is right for you – you will just feel it’ – or words to that effect. George felt comfortable letting his unconscious help make a connection – and a decision. Haven’t you ever felt that something just “felt right”, even if you couldn’t exactly pin down what that was. Honestly, I believe that my best choices were made simply by relying on that subconscious litmus test. 

And yet, I still research, write exhaustive lists of pros and cons, and perseverate, before coming to conclusion. I guess this is my typical ‘due diligence’ mode.  However, if I’m in a group when a decision needs to be made – and no one wants to make it – I’ll be the person to press forward. My nature can’t stand a vacuum. 

Isn’t it great that life can be so contradictory? How do you approach a decision?

Hard Choices By Jojoba Mansell from greatexpectations.org

A path is laid out ahead,
It forks before your feet.
A decision filled with dread,
Uncertain of what you’ll meet.

A game full of chance,
Of many hidden pit falls.
To find true romance,
Dare you risk losing all?

Choices never easy to make,
Fog seems to cloud your way.
You fear making a mistake,
Of gambling and losing the day.

But life is full of Hard Choices,
And risk is part of the game.
Be brave, ignore doubting voices,
Make the choice, life won’t be the same.

Thoughts and Prayers

“Thoughts and prayers” – it’s become a meme; words which have suffered from ‘semantic satiation’ (as reported by CNN). That is, a phrase repeated so often as to lose any significance.

But I have some thoughts about prayers.

I believe it is justifiable to view the ‘thoughts and prayers’ incantation in a cynical way, when the sentiment is simply a substitute for action. However, when we gloss over the power of communal prayer, I think we lose a vital medium for change.

It is documented that we humans have come together in prayer for over five thousand years. At its root, prayer is a quest for connection to the ineffable, an act of supplication. All faiths practice a form of this connection – no one religion ‘owns’ prayer. People pray as individuals or in groups. Whether it is the ‘two or more gathered in my name’, the minyan of ten, or formal call to worship, communal prayer strikes a cosmic chord. Deepak Chopra calls prayer ‘applied consciousness’.

While prayer itself may not immediately change outcomes, it does change us. We—being changed – can affect outcomes. An author I admire, C.S. Lewis, has said: “I pray because I can’t help myself. … I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God. It changes me.”

Action is a necessary concomitant of prayer. To offer thoughts and prayers without commitment to deeds is ineffectual – it’s only half the process. This is not just my opinion:  Pope Francis has said that prayer without action is useless. However, my favorite quote is from Houston Police Chief Art Acevedo:

“This isn’t a time for prayers, and study and inaction, it’s a time for prayers, action and the asking of God’s forgiveness for our inaction (especially the elected officials that ran to the cameras today, acted in a solemn manner, called for prayers, and will once again do absolutely nothing).”

Think about a prayer vigil asking supplication and forgiveness for our inaction to effect change to quell violence. Think about the power a citizen group – with many points of view and diversity of faith – can accomplish by gathering for communal prayer about our inaction in living out our ideals in a way that helps our shared community. Would our elected officials join or disown such activity?

What if every citizen meeting started by reciting something like the following:

I pray that harmony may prevail in my community. Help me to be an instrument of peace. Help us in this community to come together to resolve the issues that affect us all. Help us cooperate in overcoming violence, health issues and prejudice. May we each bring our experiences and our expertise to the table and work out solutions together. Help us to listen well, to empathize, and resolve the best path for our community. Amen.

Some may say this would violate the separation of church and state, because the word ‘pray’ is included, yet there is no mention of a deity – and of course, ‘amen’ simply means “so be it”. In the spirit of discussion, would you see this as just a naïve wish or essential pledge to any meaningful change?

What follows is reported to be the Dalai Lama’s favorite prayer – attributed to Shantideva:

“May all beings everywhere
Plagued by sufferings of body and mind
Obtain an ocean of happiness and joy
By virtue of my merits.

May no living creature suffer,
Commit evil, or ever fall ill.
May no one be afraid or belittled,
With a mind weighed down by depression.

May the blind see forms
And the deaf hear sounds,
May those whose bodies are worn with toil
Be restored on finding repose.

May the naked find clothing,
The hungry find food;
May the thirsty find water
And delicious drinks.

May the poor find wealth,
Those weak with sorrow find joy;
May the forlorn find hope,
Constant happiness, and prosperity.

May there be timely rains
And bountiful harvests;
May all medicines be effective
And wholesome prayers bear fruit.

May all who are sick and ill
Quickly be freed from their ailments.
Whatever diseases there are in the world,
May they never occur again.

May the frightened cease to be afraid
And those bound be freed;
May the powerless find power,
And may people think of benefiting each other.

For as long as space remains,
For as long as sentient beings remain,
Until then may I too remain
To dispel the miseries of the world.”

What If…?

Once again, Wal presents us with a well thought out and carefully articulated discourse on a timely issue.  Even more, he offers up a suggestion and asks each of us to consider what might happen if we, collectively, took it seriously.

I am moved by this question and Wal’s insightful views.  Would I see this, as he puts it, “… as a naïve wish or essential pledge to meaningful change?”  I suggest that it doesn’t have to be one or the other.  For me, naïve wishes, in the minds of action-oriented thinkers, become essential pledges to meaning change.  Yes, if we are caught up in the meme of “thoughts and prayers” and generally feel hopeless about how things are, this suggestion could become just another “naïve wish.”  But what if we bring ourselves to these things with hope and enthusiasm about what could be?  Even if it begins as another innocent and as yet unsophisticated idea, could it not spiral into an unexpected but highly effective action?  Absolutely, I say!

Wal plants this seed for all of us to witness.  We can pass by it and notice it’s beauty and smile or shake our heads and see it’s futility, we can stop and hold it in our hand for a while and consider it’s potential, or we can pick it up, feel it’s possibilities and decide to adopt it, plant it and nurture it.

Why not advance Wal’s question from query to an outright challenge?  What if we accept the premise that simply feeling badly and once again thinking about and praying for the victims of violence is no longer enough and worse, is eroding my capacity for honest empathy?  What would happen if each of us took the recitation* Wal assembled and brought it to the organizations to which we belong and asked them to consider using it to begin each gathering?  Or, what if you brought it as a working construct to be modified and adapted so that it engendered more ownership?  Can you feel the energy that could bring? 

“I Go to Seek a Great Perhaps”

Francois Rabelais * I pray that harmony may prevail in my community. Help me to be an instrument of peace. Help us in this community to come together to resolve the issues that affect us all. Help us cooperate in overcoming violence, health issues and prejudice. May we each bring our experiences and our expertise to the table and work out solutions together. Help us to listen well, to empathize, and resolve the best path for our community. Amen.

Time to Put on My Old Man Pants

I believe in the power of prayer; I must believe in it because I do it all the time.  Sometimes I pray out loud, sometimes I pray silently.  As a kid growing up Catholic, I knew all of the usual prayers by heart…. The Our Father, Hail Mary, Act of Contrition, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep…To this day, when I begin to pray I go through the entire litany of memorized prayers before I get to the real substance of what I am praying about, just out of habit!  I remember as a kid  when my parents were arguing loudly, I used prayer as a way of blocking out their anger and the length of my praying was in direct correlation to the length of the argument and saved me from hearing what was being said.  I used prayer as a way of drowning out anything I didn’t want to hear.  As I aged, I often would pray as a way of allaying my fears.  The physical act of praying blocked out my fear and apprehension and allowed the time to pass with as little worry and anxiety as possible.  It still works for me.  The saying of the prayer in my mind distracts me, barricades outside noise, and allows the time to pass by without having to replay the reality that initiated the prayer in the first place.  It doesn’t bring me the peace and comfort I would see on my Aunt’s face when she would say her rosary but i was always envious of how successfully that worked for her.

I came to realize that my mind is never quiet.  Maybe if I practiced yoga I would be able to shut it down for periods of time but honestly there is never a moment when I am not talking to myself in my head.  I don’t hear my voice in my head but I perceive every word as clearly as if I were speaking it out loud.  I also came to realize that more often than not those head conversations present themselves as prayers,  asking for help  or hoping for a solution to some kind of problem.  Sometimes I am not even aware I am doing it but my mind is never silent.  I have incredible internal conversations when I am driving, or eating alone, or anywhere and in any activity where directed thinking is not required. Sometimes I may be asking for help, imagining a dream I would love to see come true, sometimes a hope that I could win the next argument with someone.  But it always includes a wish, a hope, a different outcome, all of which I perceive as prayer.

There are times when my prayers are less than questioning and more out right angry. Can there be an angry prayer?   If there is an “All Mighty,” omniscient being why are innocent children dying in schools, why are there tornadoes and earthquakes to add to our suffering? Why are there bad people shooting up schools snd malls and churches.  Why can’t the omniscient one prevent this pain and evil.  At those times my thoughts get quite agitated and angry and yes, even challenging! What does the Almighty one get from our pain and suffering.  And if nothing, why not stop it.  Teach us how to live harmoniously and get along, after all the Almighty Omniscient one has the power to stop it and the knowledge that it is going to happen.  Those thoughts usually enter my head after a school shooting, having been a grade school teacher for 35 years!

I believe that prayer benefits the pray-er more than the object of the prayer because it can drive that individual to action.  And action is often what is needed to answer prayer. I guess it is time for me to put on my old man pants with the suspenders and step up to the plate.  Who knows,  if enough of us take action, change might just occur! I sure hope so!