Lately, I’m increasingly aware that many of my daily routines have taken on added significance and meaning beyond the need to get them done.  They have become rituals.  Perhaps it’s the reduction of distractions during this time of sheltering in place that has allowed me to be more mindful.  Or, it could be that without regular stimulation of ideas and interests I seek them from within the confines of my home.  For example, rather than allowing my mind to wander while rushing through the task of raising my window shades, I now often think about, well, just raising each shade and welcoming first light into my home as I begin my day.  As I slowly pull the cord of my kitchen window, I watch the shade fold into itself as it reveals the unique perspective it affords of my backyard.  Then I move on to the next window that will allow additional light and a slightly different view.  It sets in motion an action that often impacts how I feel about my day.  This routine and others, now receive more of my intention and deliberation.  They have taken on a level of significance that positively influences my initial disposition.  They are new rituals.  They are no longer chores to be completed, but actions that add significance to my life. 

In an article written by author, writer, and coach Steven Handel, he describes routines as things we need to get done on a regular basis but that are not necessarily meaningful.  Rituals tend to have a sense of purpose and their meaning is often symbolic.  He further illustrates the difference in this table:

As I thought about the things in my life that are chores and that are now taking more of my attention and thought, I remembered the notion of the Japanese Tea Ceremony.  The tea ceremony in Japanese culture represents purity, tranquility, respect, and harmony.  It is a great illustration of the singular focus given to the performance of serving a simple cup of tea.  It is a grand collaboration of art, discipline, attention, and care.  Philip Stanhope 4^th Earl of Chesterfield said, “In truth, whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well; and nothing can be done well without attention.”

I also thought about the commitment of the Samurai in their attention to detail and purpose in everything they did.  There was an unrelenting focus on mindfulness in even the most basic actions and routines. 

Zanshin is a word used commonly throughout Japanese martial arts to refer to a state of relaxed alertness. Literally translated, zanshin means “the mind with no remainder.” In other words, the mind completely focused on action and fixated on the task at hand.  In practice, though, zanshin has an even deeper meaning meaning. Zanshin is choosing to live your life intentionally and acting with purpose rather than mindlessly falling victim to whatever comes your way.  It was as if everything in their lives was a ritual.

Now, as I spend more time in silence and thought, I’m able to better recognize the significance of preparing food, letting light into my home, and attending to things that require my attention.  Of course, my mind still wanders…often.  But I’d like to think that this time has afforded me a way to elevate at least some routines from tasks that must be done so I can get on with my life, to appreciating the things I do in my life because they matter.

Have you noticed any shifting of routines or rituals in your life?

Traditions, Rituals, and Routines

Hard to know where one ends and another begins!  Perhaps the definitions intermingle and have very subtle differences.   Perhaps it has to do with what Henry said, that rituals have an importance that routines don’t.  Traditions may then define the need for rituals.  For example, my family had a tradition at Christmastime of setting up the Christmas village which necessitated the ritual of laying track and checking out the engines and cars of the train and organizing the town.   The routine then became sitting down in the evenings and my brother and I running the trains around the village, while the engine smoked and the whistle blew.  We had other rituals associated with the Christmas tradition- like hanging stockings on the fireplace, and decorating the tree.  Routinely we hung the tinsel one strand at a time or my mom would yell at us.   

When I taught school for years I had a tradition of wanting the kids to know the day and date.  Every morning ritually, I wrote the day and date in the upper right corner of the blackboard and the kids routinely wrote it on their daily assignments.  I also had a tradition as an educator of wanting the kids to expand their vocabulary so each day I would write a new word and its definition on the board.  It was a ritual that helped me as much as the class. The routine came when the kids used the word either in their writing or in discussions each day. 

Right now, when I’m not sure what my purpose is anymore in the time of COVID-19, tradition and ritual have pretty much been pre-empted solely by routine.  Wake up, shower, take pills, which helps me remember what day of the week it is, let out the dog, eat, wash yesterday’s dishes, eat, nap, eat, nap, eat, nap!  Tradition now is out the window.  Without some direction old traditions don’t necessarily apply and new traditions can’t start because they may not have the time to develop.  Without the traditions rituals devoted to the traditions can’t find air.  Routines are all that is left and in my case they tend to be diminishing!  I may be going crazy but this makes perfect sense to me!  And I didn’t have any author to quote so this unfortunately was entirely concocted by me during the routine boredom I face daily during this crisis!

Wrinkles

I am seventy-two years old and a dishwasher in a restaurant. I am looking at the pile of skillets in the deep sinks and preparing to start the process of transformation. Today, I have driven for four hours to return to my post and I’m an hour later than expected – I like to keep ahead of the curve, but the chef has already started to prepare sauces. So it’s catch-up time.

Surveying, the scene, there are remnants of carbonara sauce, Thai chili sauce, a large pasta colander, and several pans with a series of brown sauces for schnitzel, and a garlic laden food processor. Okay: Carpe Scrubber! Wait — a drop of water bounces off my bald spot – and then another – What the… It has been raining heavily for a good part of the day; looks like a leak in the roof over the kitchen. All right – note for tomorrow, get on the roof. I reach for the faucet and — no water. This is irony for sure: unwanted water dripping on my head, no water from plumbing. What’s the old saw: the opposite of irony is ‘wrinkly’. This is wrinkly. Life is wrinkly. The topography of our lives is full of wrinkles. That’s why we have rituals: to smooth out those crenellations.

A ritual is structured behavior in support of a magical or symbolic result. ‘Magical’ being a placeholder for all those things we don’t quite understand… like the Pacific Islander cargo cult. My ritual actually begins much earlier than reporting to the job. First, I must shower. This is less about cleaning than it is about cleansing – starting the day like a fresh page in an old book. Consecrated.

Then, as head (and only) dishwasher, I assemble the mise en place at my work station: wet and dry towels (from Morgan Linen – remember them from college?), gloves, washing tub, spray station, stainless steel scrubby, long brush, and putty knife; prep the dishwasher and lay out the drying station. Our dishwasher has sliding doors and trays that carry objects through infeed and outfeed. The pots, pans, containers, spatulas, stirring spoons, tableware, and dishes all go through the washer for the extra cleaning and sanitizing cycles, but first anything that experiences direct flame is separated: cleaning the carbon on the bottoms is a parallel process and uses different cleaning aides. When this is complete they join their comrades through the main process. 

So, the main process involves soaking the pots, pressure spraying, brushing, and then scrubbing. All the detritus goes into the 1000 gallon grease trap. The restaurant ware is sanitized in the dishwasher, air-dried and returned to its station. Routine or ritual? It is necessary – and it is done mindfully. I fantasize that I am the director of a halfway house for skillet rehabilitation. I am a social worker for the stockpot family. My goal is to return each cooking implement in better condition than I received it. Some of these old boys have dents or loose handles – or are a little crowned due to direct heating over an open flame for years. I clean them up so that thirty or so skillets and a dozen assorted stockpots greet the next meal with a fresh face and new sauce. That’s what it’s all about! I say it is Ritual – with magical results!

Now to prepare for the next day’s ritual: water pump repair and preventive maintenance.  

As sheltering and snacking in place is becoming routine I sometimes find myself on my knees and leaning my head on my arms resting on the windowsill like the cartoon where the guy says to his dog that he now understands why he always barks as people pass the house. It is an event! I don’t have many events about now unless getting the cookies or chips out of the cabinet classifies as an event!

But recently I have been trying to figure out what it is going to be like when the quarantine is lifted. At first I thought we’ll all race to the local establishment and drink a toast to the death of the virus, clinking glasses, shouting “salud!”, slapping friends on the back, hugging and kissing folks we’ve missed for months. But I don’t think it’s going to work that way now.

Our Governor, who has become a guiding light in leadership through this darkness, uses the term “reimagining” how it is going to play out. The thought of returning to post quarantine life as being a return to normal is probably far from actuality, hence reimagining.

So my thoughts go to how will young love be expressed? New emojis online? Pulsating red hearts and lips after each text. We probably won’t be kissing anyone soon. Kids playing on the playground won’t be playing tag cause we can’t have kids touching each other! How will detectives catch criminals cause fingerprints will be a thing of the past! Rubber or polyethylene gloves have replaced skin So DNA must be encased on the body. I worry that a generation of kids who don’t play outside much anyway will have even fewer experiences interacting with humanoids. Will we just keep to
ourselves and be reduced to written communications with LOL’s and OMG’s expressing our emotions?

Life is going to be different. But hopefully with time touch will return as a venue for interaction. Human contact can once again comfort people in need. Laughter and tears will return as ways of expressing our emotions. And maybe even a renewed urgency to put the electronic technology down and reach out to those we have desperately missed. My reimagination I’m afraid is limited but I long for an earlier time when my scraped knee could be healed by my mom or dad’s hug. I hope our grandchildren will experience this again and future generations will talk about the time when people had to isolate as a dark spot in history they have only heard about!
However, we can’t forget that the air over LA is breathable again, the canal waters of Venice are clear enough to see the sea life that lives in them. That’s part of the reimagining that we have to take advantage of and protect. I’ll take one from column A and several from Column B! Call me old fashioned!

The Macro

Both George and Hen focused on the intimate details of person-to-person interaction in a possible “new normal”. I think their comments are cogent. The effect of the virus on physical closeness will certainly outlast the current edition of the corona. For instance, we can imagine that hand, mouth and nose coverings will morph into enduring fashion accessories. Perhaps grooming and fashion styles will gravitate toward the easily cleaned and maintained – maybe lapels and pleated layers give way to smooth lines and treated fabric.

If we look down from 5,000 feet, the macro influences of surviving a pandemic – and the fear of the next one — says the future is a less tolerant society. Individual choice vs. the ‘summum bonam’ is in constant tension. As we experienced during the New Deal and World War II, the tendency for central control and larger government seems like powerful leverage to attack economic – and perhaps social — problems… and I don’t speculate in this manner as a fan of big government.

But, after all, will we be able to tolerate not having universal healthcare in some form or another? If we cannot assure that every citizen will have effective access to health services, how can we assure the containment of future outbreaks? When the dust settles, our infection tallies will show large discrepancies by race and economic variables. Will this place more emphasis in future on large, homogenous public policy solutions? Certainly it is doubtful that piecework approaches will be encouraged, when disease crosses borders and governments. 

It’s probable that we won’t return to past behaviors quite as readily as we’d like, but we will move forward. Even now, dating apps have apparently been successful in hosting virtual dating experiences. I’d guess this fad subsides, but lingers as a bit of dating rehearsal while individuals try to ‘qualify’ one another before investing in a more physical relationship… unless we can have virtual careers, babies, and parenting experiences all from the comfort of your own couch? (Sounds like the old ‘Second Life’ application experiment). 

At the end of the day, I sign up with George and Hen – soothing behavior is a basic need — and that behavior is an experience of touch that is unlikely to be abandoned for long. We are smart enough and resilient enough that solutions will be invented to allow kids to be kids, friends to be friends, and loved ones to all come together.

It’s How We Respond

I’m with “Old-Fashioned” George when it comes to physical touch.  If I’m suffering from anything these past two months, it’s likely from hug withdrawal.  Of course, there is an old fashioned way of forgetting the hugs that I miss.  It’s called a bourbon old fashion!  I’ve had one or two of those “quarantinis” over the last few weeks.  They helped!

I appreciate the notion George brings up of reimagining what our new future will be.  At first, my thoughts go directly to what I’ve lost: not necessarily a positive or proactive endeavor.  After all, transitioning from no direct social interaction to spending time with others in groups will take a very long time and will likely require a transition phase of wearing masks, no touching, and physical distancing.  I can easily equate this to a negative.   But if I push past the loss, and, as George reminds us of some of the gains we made, we might be able to reimagine a way of being that can benefit us and future generations.  And without this global “pause,” the idea of exchanging old habits for even better ones, would have been near impossible.  In his New York coronavirus briefing this morning, Governor Cuomo reminded us that it often takes a crisis to wake people up.  And Dave Pelzer, a contemporary American author, said, “Something good comes out of every crisis.”  So how do we revise our behaviors and spaces to make life even better?  I believe each of us begins with what we can control:

The evidence of a healthier environment for all living things is enormous.  I will continue to make changes to use fewer fossil fuels, create less waste, and to be more aware of my purchase power regarding products and their environmental impact.

I will be more aware of the direct contact time I have with family, friends, and colleagues.  I will work harder at being more present and attentive when I am with them.  I seek to remember not to take any handshake or hug lightly.

I will create a set of reminders for me to continue the relationships I’ve re-established during this time of remaining at home.  

I will strive to remember that it’s never about what happens to me, but how I respond that grants me to happiness and contentment.

And you…?

I’d like to end with the essence of a story I recently read written from the perspective of a senior citizen who was a child during the 1918 Spanish Flu pandemic.  He was responding to his grandchild who had just studied in school about this horrific time in history and how difficult and troubling it must have been for him.  His response was something we can still create as we live out this moment in time.  Grandpa said it was a difficult time for many indeed, but in his case he remembered it differently.  He remembered more time for playing with his mom and dad.  He remembered baking with his mom and fishing with his dad.  He remembered his mom coming up with new ideas for him to try and without the need to rush or to put them off until a better time.  He remembered impromptu games of tag, barbeques, and peanut butter and jelly picnics when the weather turned warm.  I hope many of today’s children will remember this episode similarly, when their grandchildren ask them about it.

We’ve all heard the jokes about weight gain during the shelter-in-place phase of life — COVID-19 lbs. and such.

It’s gotten me thinking about a seven year period in which I measured life in quarter pound increments. This was during high school and college, while participating in wrestling. I would have told you then that I was an expert in weight loss. Like a jockey, I weighed in several times a day – but without the saddle – and monitored before and after bathroom visits. I knew the expected weight in ounces of my waste products. Each September, I’d lose up to 20% of my mass in four to six weeks and keep it off until April.

I’d dream of the chocolate milk dispenser in Parker dining hall for seven months a year.

All of this would be executed in order to qualify for the weight class in which I would be most competitive. Actually, this was mostly a byproduct of fear: I didn’t want to face larger, stronger opponents! To maintain this weight, many of us would sojourn to the “hot box” in plastic suits. The hot box was an insulated room that could be cranked up to 120 degrees F. The objective was of course to sweat out any excess water. It wasn’t weight loss, it was desiccation. I remember taking the GRE exams in Potsdam in between wrestling matches at SUNY Potsdam and Hobart College. I donned the plastic suit and ran the aisle in the team bus enroute to lose the half-pound I was overweight – that was good for a quarter pound. The security guard escorted me to the exam room and I suppose the GRE was responsible for losing the additional quarter pound I needed.

Once, I dated a person who during a postseason April, asked how much I weighed. When I replied, she said ‘Well you look good right now, but I think you will run to fat in middle age’. Hmmm, she was right. At that time, we wrestlers would call anyone whose six-pack was undefined, a ‘bloat’. Clearly, I am a bloat.

However, I owe her a debt of gratitude. Her words have been a rallying cry for me to not let weight gain get beyond control. Unfortunately, most of the diet prescriptions I’ve tried were not lifestyle regimes, but short term efforts: Fit for Life, South Beach diet, Bullet-Proof diet, Body Fuel diet, etc. All had different premises: eat fruit, separate complex carbohydrates from other foods, avoid white foods, trick your metabolism by fasting. My Dad lost over 50 lbs using Dr. Dean Ornish’s rice diet. He had the discipline to keep his weight down – but yikes!

These days, it’s hard for me to envision weight control without exercise and eating dinner before eight o’clock. That’s it – I have to keep it simple to remember. And worse luck, my diet must include pasta, baked goods and ice cream! What about you?

In for a Penny, In for a Pound

Good time to write about this as covid19 is causing many of us to snack in place!  Weight has been a struggle I have dealt with my entire life but from the opposite end of the scale.   I was the scrawny kid first in line in school.  Short and skinny! Really skinny!  I hated going to gym in high school.  Aside from the embarrassing red and white gym suits we had to wear which on me looked like a cute little red skirt ballooning out over my tooth pick sized thighs, I was the brunt of high school bully humor in the locker room.  And to add insult to injury, we were given spots on the gym floor so the coach could take attendance.  In Flushing High in the early 60’s, you could have 100 kids in gym class.   First day of class we were lined up by size places and given our spot numbers. Across the front of the gym were the letters of the alphabet and 15 spots behind each letter! Yup, you guessed it.  I was A-1 for all 3 years in high school!  The only good thing about those large classes was that once attendance was taken I could slip back into the locker room until the team sports were over.

But even before that as a little kid my family tried to fatten me up.  I was a finicky eater and wasn’t big on meat and veggies so my dad made a bowl of macaroni for me every night for dinner.  Back then it was spaghetti or macaroni.  We never had pasta.  I never even heard the word.  My Italian aunts would bribe me with quarters if I would eat more.  Of course they would only “pick” themselves until there was nothing left in the serving bowls.  So I was a skinny melink.  I would have to get on the scale in front of them to get the damn quarter.  So while Wal was trying to lose a quarter pounder, I was praying to gain one. Through college and for the first 2 decades of teaching I didn’t weigh as much as the average kid in my 6th grade classes.  It was always an embarrassment for me.

Then the magic happened.   My wife and I separated, I came out of the closet and miraculously I gained about 20 lbs.  With a new sense of self pride I strutted into school finally at ease with myself and how I looked!  I was proud of my girth for the first time in my life.  I hadn’t anticipated the problems it would bring on like high blood pressure, and a little pot belly. But I carried that proudly too because unless you were ever skinny you don’t realize how that can be as painful as being fat.  And now with snacking in place, I get panicky if my supply of cookies and jelly candies get low!

I hope Wally only dated that woman once!

Pillsbury Doughman, No More!

On my first birthday, I weighed in at 30 pounds and was obese.  By grade school, I was in George’s weight class and could have been a poster child for the kid who needed weight gain supplements.  Eventually, I found a relative balance between intake and calorie burn, and my weight offers little to conjure up a story.   However, over the last six weeks of sheltering in place, food has taken on a significance I’d not noticed before.

My mom was the most fantastic cook.  It seemed as if she was always in the kitchen preparing meals that were filling, delicious, and nutritious.  We didn’t order out, and the rare visits to a restaurant were reserved for special events.  For example, at the end of each school year, my mom would take us to a local Chinese restaurant to celebrate our promotion to the next grade.  That being said, tasty food prepared just the way we liked it, was always available.  My mother couldn’t give us much in the form of things money could buy, but she never held back on food.  The time and devotion she gave to her cooking was her currency: her gift of love.  The whole experience created an anticipation of what awaited us at dinner each evening.  The clatter of pans and the sounds of mixing and pouring were following by the aroma of onions or sauces drifting throughout the house.  It seemed like each meal that began promptly at 6:00 pm, started with an appetizer and/or soup, the main course with two or more side dishes, and finally, if we joined the “cleanup plate club” and finished everything we were served, a sweet dessert.  I used to marvel at how long everything took to prepare, how everything finished cooking at just the right time, and how quickly we devoured it.  And while I noticed all of this (and the cleanup afterward), I never appreciated it in the way I do now.

My sisters learned to cook from my mom, but I didn’t.  And, over the last several years, after just getting by preparing the same few dishes I begrudgingly mastered, I ate reasonably well and relatively healthy but never really appreciated it.  However, in the last month and a half, much of that has changed.  With even more unhurried, alone time at home I made a conscious effort to look at cooking and eating with more purpose and intention.  I’ve tried many new dishes each week and found the entire process of planning, preparation, cooking, and cleaning up a rewarding one.  And I’ve also taken the time to taste my food, wondering what it would be like if I added more of this or substituted some of that.  It is a new form of self-care that I intend to continue long after we can get back to our busier, more collaborative lives. So far, I haven’t noticed any weight gain.  However, my sisters always said that if you are a fat baby, then, when you get old, you’d eventually explode into that previous pudgy version of your younger self.   (Hmm, I have this awful vision of myself in six months slogging through the woods looking like the Pillsbury Doughman!)

Napoleon Hill developed the term Mastermind Alliance to identify the concept of bringing two or more people (minds) together for a singular purpose in a friendly, trusting, and harmonious environment. The outcome of this focused collaboration often yields extraordinary results that could never be reached alone or in loosely connected partnerships.  This synergy has been the secret ingredient for many successful people and organizations. I believe it offers a timely solution to many of the challenges facing individuals and small businesses during this global pandemic.

I am currently a participant in such a group, gathered to help a friend and small business owner decide how to move forward when business has all but stopped.  As we are all sheltered in place, we are using one of the many programs available for video-conferencing.  This solution to overcoming the restriction of not being able to meet in person provides the added benefit of collaborating with people who can offer invaluable experience and wisdom but who live hundreds of miles apart.  These digital gatherings are energizing, thought provoking, and highly interactive.  They regularly bring people together who would not have this opportunity to share knowledge and offer support.  And not only does the recipient benefit, but so do each of us.  Just today, while listening to a suggestion made to the facilitator, I realized a need of my own that requires action.  We also get to see and talk to people, which mean physical distancing doesn’t necessarily mean social distancing.  And we always get when we give.  This feeling of contribution and helping others feeds our own needs to be of service and to feel valued.

So I’m wondering aloud if this is way of coming together online in small groups might be something all of us could offer a friend or colleague who is facing a challenge brought on by the Coronavirus pandemic.  There are many references to the concept you could find using Google or other search methods.  Of course if you have any questions I might be able to help with, feel free to reach out in our comment section.  I will be happy to respond.

Wishing you all good health and strong connections.

No Downside!

Henry’s idea is difficult to respond to because what ‘s not to like? The concept makes perfect sense. An individual struggling to make important decisions regarding business or future has the opportunity to consult with a group of people all focused on that one situation or problem. I love the idea. I could use some masterminds right now to help me deal with the forced isolation I am experiencing because of this awful virus. By myself, my imagination runs wild, and I come up with the worst-case scenarios and doom and gloom. A group of people focused on helping me deal with that situation would provide a great opportunity. It seems like a win/win situation. I am sure they could come up with ideas and solutions I cannot even conceive of.

I can see this being an incredible add on to therapy and constructive goal setting and achieving. I guess you have to pick your advisors/collaborators carefully, but beside picking people who aren’t focused on the problem or who have even less common sense than I do, I can’t see any downside to this idea. What an opportunity to socially undistance ourselves through technology at a time when we have too much time to contemplate, fret, and worry. The process sounds great, and seeking others’ advice through a group effort where ideas can be discussed and kicked around is a great opportunity to define your problem with razor-sharp clarity. I really find the concept perfect for people like me whose minds race during the early morning hours when my imagination gets locked on a pessimistic solution to a problem that won’t go away. That is when I have no sensible, realistic conception of what to do, whereas if I had had such a gathering, I would be able to replace my worry and concern with ideas presented by the group. But what is more significant is that I would feel responsible for seeing the solution put into action so as not to let the other participants down. That holds much more weight than doing it for myself! Imagine having a team of intelligent people all addressing your needs over time. What an opportunity to succeed!

Great idea and a great piece to discuss. I do, however, worry about Wal’s reading list as a teenager. When I was in my teens, I wasn’t reading books like Hill’s. I was reading The Hardy Boys and Ralph of the Rails, along with magazines that I had to hide from my parents, but hey, to each his own!

Lateral Allies

Hen suggests that the Mastermind Alliance can serve several goals: a) help others b) help yourself, and c) maintain positive contact with a group.

I read Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill when I was a teen. This book, published in 1937, is one of the all-time best selling business books. Hill describes 13 principles that are the foundation of a philosophy of success — the Mastermind concept is one of them. 

When I read the book, the principle I focused on was ‘auto-suggestion’… still use it as a matter of fact. Hill said you don’t need an alarm clock; simply look at the clock when you lay down and say out loud what time you wish to awake. Works like a charm! Your internal clock wakes you up. That alone gives Napoleon Hill some street cred. 

The Mastermind Alliance principle is an example of lateral thinking in a group. While individuals certainly can succeed on their own, collaboration can increase our favorable odds. It end-runs our tendency to define a problem within a narrow frame of reference and therefore limit the boundaries of a solution. It’s interesting to listen to Hill’s account of how Andrew Carnegie came up with a Mastermind Alliance to understand how to make and market steel – (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuGW8ZCJUDE). Although the Mastermind Alliance concept is over 80 years old, it is still remarkably fresh.

In fact, there’s a Facebook community devoted to spinning off new products and ideas that uses the Mastermind approach: The Inventor’s Mastermind. Rules are simple:

In a Mastermind group, the agenda belongs to the group and each person’s participation is key, your peers give you feedback, help you brainstorm new possibilities and set up accountability structures that keep you focused and on track.

In order to use this concept effectively, preparation is important. Hill emphasizes that a person needs to know exactly what they want and be ready to work diligently to attain it. What does diligent mean, exactly? I think it means examining the details that surround us. Being observant. Being aware of the world around us and being ready to enter into new situations with an open mind.

But it is also about being ready to go beyond the bounds of common expectations. To stretch out laterally – creative confidence. To connect dots in different puzzles… to synthesize.

In order to do this, it helps to cultivate a diverse set of connections. You need to form an alliance with others so that you are not trapped by your own perspective. This is well illustrated in Dr. Tina Seelig’s, (What I Wish I Knew when I was 20). She describes the ‘$5 Challenge’ she assigned her students at Stanford. Each team was given $5 and asked to increase the investment within two days – and present their results to the entire class. The most successful teams never used the seed money, but rather brainstormed solutions to problems they observed around campus — solutions that could be monetized. One group offered to check bicycle tire pressure for students and simply asked for a donation. Another team noting the long lines at restaurants, secured reservations at several restaurants and sold them to folks waiting on line. They made over $600. She makes a fine point about being a “T” individual: deep in one specialty, but reaching out to other areas to seek out connections – an alliance.

The most successful person I ever met didn’t work the hardest and was not the smartest individual I ever knew, but he had a super optimistic attitude – he expected to be lucky and he was. He was open to new ideas and rewarded people for creative approaches. He connected an array of colleagues to dig up good ideas – a Mastermind Alliance. Even if he did not have expertise that was deep in any one field, he did have the motivation to stitch ideas together and get others to mine the rich resources of information. Essentially, he mirrored the approach Andrew Carnegie used. Many new projects flourished in this incubator. Was that luck? I don’t think so. All I know is that it seemed to permeate all areas of his life… he was one of those people who found more lost golf balls, made more good friends, avoided the sporadic consequences of mistakes, and lived a long, healthy life. Perhaps the fruits of a Mastermind Alliance?

This sheltering in place is getting old!  But the seriousness of the situation necessitates us to do our civic duty to our community, family and friends, while at the same time protecting ourselves. My friend called last night and wanted to have a serious conversation about our current situation.  Both of us are in our 70’s, both with risk factors.  He is struggling with what to do if he gets sick.  He wondered, do you ask your spouse or kids to come and take care of you?  Best case scenario, you don’t get sick!  Option 2, you get sick but you recover!  Option 3- you know what happens.  So he asked me what I was going to do.  Was I going to have my kids come and take care of me or tell them to stay away and keep taking Tylenol. Or do you suffer alone until… ?   We don’t want to infect people we love but to just deal without  anyone to hold your hand or to whisper loving words seems unabashedly cold. These are really tough decisions and we are going to talk again tonight!  There is no doubt that families are having this kind of discussion all over the country.

And yet the last couple of days I have heard the bells ringing. They are hopeful bells, happy bells, even jubilant because they promise that tomorrow, however long today turns out to be, will be better.  I worked in the yard yesterday.  It was good to clean out the flowerbeds to prepare for tomorrow.  I could smell the dirt and the promise of blooms just waiting to form and pop into a rainbow of colors and fragrances. There is anticipation.  I saw the signs all around me that until these last few days my eyes were blinded to. All I saw was darkness til now. 

But there is no mistaking it.  The birds were singing, little green sprouts are popping up in the garden beds.  I heard other rakes scraping the ground in neighboring yards.  Shouted to neighbors to see how they were doing.  The guy next door held out his rake and I held out mine—-we laughed!    I guess that’s the new handshake.  Leaf bags for pick up were popping up at the curb up and down my street.  My neighbor’s lawn service came today and actually mowed.  I could smell the grass cuttings!  Others are looking to tomorrow as well.  It was uplifting!

In spite of the cloud hovering over the nation for the next couple months, I can hear the bells.  The ones that toll for sadness are going to be heard but the ones that announce a new beginning will overtake them.  And so if we have to look out the window to see the beautiful blossoms for awhile, I’ll press my nose against the glass like I used to when I was a kid and breathe in the fragrance and the sounds and the scenery telling me that hope is on the way!  And I will continue to imagine having lunch with my friends, hugging my daughter and son, and sharing a glass of wine at the bar until this darkness lifts and I can actually not be afraid to shake a stranger’s hand again.

Streamside Spring

George, I really enjoyed sharing your anticipation of better season! What struck me was our need to have contact and mutually celebrate what the earth has to offer. Shake those rakes! 

My harbinger of hope is the phoebe, the eastern flycatcher. Lately, we have been hearing its distinctive call. Once upon a time, we rented a cottage in the woods, adjacent to a stream. Our location was a breeding ground for bugs: the brook produced a grand variety of nymph-born insects. I’d take Art Flick’s Streamside Guide down to the water and observe the hatches — and so did the kingfishers and phoebes. We’d watch new insects, small to big — mayflies to Dobson flies — launching from the waterside. The phoebe became a favorite companion. Not too put off by humans, they always chose to fashion their mud and moss homes on the side of our garage, sheltered by the roof overhang. These little guys light on branches or clothes lines and dart to catch flying bugs of all sorts, using quick movement and hovering maneuvers like helicopter pilots. 

Phoebes are industrious! We would watch them dodge and juke, nipping their prey and returning to the perch. All the while, flicking their tails and whistling their short ‘pee-wee, pee-wee’. (Now I know some of you are just now thinking about ‘Pee-wee Herman’, but just let that go, already)! Anyway, these fellows are among my favorite birds, along with the thrush, rufous-sided towhee, and cedar waxwing.  

Most folks say it’s the redwing blackbird that is the harbinger of spring – although Linda votes for the evensong of robins and peepers — but when I hear the phoebe, I know it’s warm enough for insects… and therefore warm enough for shirtsleeves. I’m also reminded of those pleasant, peaceful days in the woods. Thanks, George! 

Game On!

George led the way this time with hope and anticipation of what is to come.  He writes about looking forward to post COVID19.  I think we all need to balance dealing with the present with the knowledge and understanding that, like all things, this is temporary, and it too shall pass.  Several months from now, we will transition out of restrictive pandemic behaviors into more freedom of choice.  I wonder what we will learn from all of this that might inform our future actions.

I heard a psychologist speak on one of the news programs about shifting our current thinking about what we’ve lost to accepting our shelter in place lifestyle as a challenge.  A challenge we can meet with an attitude that boasts, “Game On!”  I like that.  From time to time, it helps to test our mettle and ramp up our self-discipline efforts.  And, when we emerge into the sunlight of handshakes and hugs and the freedom to come and go as we please, the connections and liberties will be even more meaningful and appreciated.

As George finds hope and uplifting feelings in the natural signs of spring, so do I.  The warmth of the sun, the smell of early blossoms, and the sounds of spring peepers bring a smile to my face during each morning walk with Duke.  I also embrace the physical activities associated with preparing the gardens, clearing the detritus left by winter storms, and even the machine maintenance required for keeping the lawns, gardens, and driveway in good order.

I prefer to embrace the blending of two philosophies as I engage in meeting this challenge.  I know that the past is gone and the future is not yet, but the present is the place and time for me to make my stand, in style and with a smile.  I also know that it is the hope and anticipation of things not yet realized that often adds more joy than the thing itself.  I choose both.

‘Shelter in place’, a term that we all will remember for a long time. The effort to maintain social distance while slowing down COVID-19 infections seemed like science fiction just six weeks ago. We ‘Three Old Guys’ skyped to discuss what we might write about in this edition. Our purpose would be not only to log our own activities during this unusual period, but to encourage others to comment on what they have been doing while sheltering. One day we’ll look back on this with a degree of amazement.

So, keep a list of what you did while sheltering and share it with us. Perhaps your list will give ideas to others who are struggling during these initial weeks of “flattening the corona curve”.

Here’s my top twelve so far:

1. Slowed down the pace: no physical meetings to attend has allowed more discretionary time for sure. More time for meals; likely watch more TV than we have in quite some time; and more time scouring internet news. Breakfast can now span a couple of hours of eating and conversation – when was the last time that happened? Speaking of TV, I recommend binging The Restaurant, a Swedish series with English subtitles.
2. Contact family daily: checking in is more of a priority. In our case, our sons/daughter and their work assignments, our grandkids now home from school. Perhaps this more for our own reassurance, but situations – particularly work situations – seem to change quickly at this stage of the outbreak. One son has been assigned to an emergency response center for part of each week.
3. Check on elder family and friends – or friends that are alone: plenty of folks are single or struggling with issues that were pre-COVID. We are fortunate for the telephone, internet, and contact software – much of which is being used concurrently! Most folks simply appreciate the opportunity to have a conversation, but in one case, I needed to break out of solitary and help an older friend install a new light by his furnace. We sort of kept our distance and kept grounded.
4. Planned alternatives to group meetings. Of course, you all would have laughed at our first attempt for an online 3oldguys meeting, but George, Hen and I had a number of disconnects setting up our group call – resulting in a lot of laughs and banter.  Similarly, Mike and Gregg posted a video of a makeshift regatta from our old college days that was hilarious. Thank goodness for longtime friends!
5. Set aside time to analyze serious decisions: my younger son’s restaurant business is on life support – employees furloughed, take-out orders only. That’s a tough problem for a cook-to-order establishment. We have spent considerable time while sheltering determining a practical take-out menu (many restaurants are simply limiting choices or offering what they have until it is gone). Thank goodness for the support of friends and community. While we realize that closing our doors is a real possibility, we are planning as if we will survive. Toward that end, I have spent hours filling out applications for disaster loans and mortgage refinancing during our sheltering time. More meetings have been focused on changing vendors to limit overhead costs to improve services: I’m meeting with the fire suppression folks to check our equipment, the cable installers to switch service, and point of sale folks to get estimates on new credit card processor and printers. Onward!
6. Pursue hobbies – I love woodturning, but rarely have enough time to devote to the craft. The shelter in place sanction has given an opportunity to expand studio time. More bowls, boxes, and spindles! Boy, is it satisfying to work with wood.
7. Share resources – today, a friend is using my shop to prepare wood for a restoration project for a circa 1680 stone home. I set up the tools and he can operate alone, so we aren’t in the same space at the same time. He’s happy and so am I!
8. Keeping the faith – was able to assist in a solution to hold Sunday services at our church. Reaching out to a friend who is a ham radio operator (thanks, Bruce!), he loaned equipment/transmitter to establish a short distance FM broadcast from our church sanctuary to the parking lot. Once I turned on the amp and transmitter, individual cars in the parking lot could tune in on an FM station to participate in the service. It was neat to see people wave to each other and sing hymns in their vehicles (and speaking as a life-long “no-tone” maybe we sounded better too!)
9. Cleaning – oh yes, I imagine lots of homes will be easier to navigate, once we pass shelter in place! We have reorganized and winnowed unnecessary papers – I just consolidated 15 years of income tax data – always an area where I keep lots of detailed back-up. We also assembled two glass door bookcases and a writing desk and went through all of our unused tech hardware (five old computers, four useless displays, three plotters/printers, two boxes of cables, and a game cartridge in a pear tree).
10. Caught up on banking – lots of digital movement, lots of interaction with pneumatic tubes outside closed bank lobbies. Held conversations with financial advisors to plan next steps and produced lots of Quick Books reports – yay! Not a fan favorite.
11. Reading – of course! Just finished Jo Nesbo’s The Knife, John Grisham’s The Guardians, and started Kate Atkinson’s Big Sky. What hasn’t worked so well is my new subscription to Audible – I find that if I do this at bedtime, I simply fall asleep and forget where I left the story… during the day, I would feel like a sloth, so that leaves Audible while exercising only – not frequent enough to get story continuity… also not a good solution while snow shoveling.
12. Getting used to the new normal – which naturally will change, once we have grown accustomed. Let’s hope it will change for the better.

My Upsides To Shelter in Place

I find it predictable but still interesting that we each interpret the mandate to “Shelter in Place” differently.  As we draw on past experiences, current and accumulated knowledge, and factor in our relationship with germs, fear, and individual versus community care, we act accordingly.  I have friends who are still meeting in small groups, running errands daily, and traveling but with adherence to guidelines for social distancing and small groups.  I also have friends who are staying at home except to buy groceries, period.  And there are those of us who decide what is necessary and what is not, and fall somewhere in-between. 

Since most of us are likely to spend the next several weeks, if not months, at home with minimal contact with others, we three old guys have each generated some things we have done, are doing, or are considering.  It would be fantastic for you, our readers, to share some of yours.

Leaning hard toward the complete isolation end of the continuum, my list is as follows:

1. I am most fortunate to have the companionship of my dog Duke.  We don’t argue, he makes no new demands, and he seems happy to have me around all the time!
2. Living on a large piece of property and being adjacent to hundreds of undeveloped land, I am free to hike trails every day.  Since I love the woods and being outdoors, this part is somewhat of an extended vacation!
3. While I can’t go to the gym or play pickleball regularly for exercise, I enjoy cutting, splitting, and stacking firewood, preparing garden beds, and tending to small repairs around the house.  Physical activity without having to interact with other people is readily available.
4. Recently my son and daughter-in-law sent me a gift certificate to Sun Basket, a company that allows you to choose meals that appeal to your tastes from a wide selection. They then send all the organic ingredients with instructions, directly to my front door. Over the last few years, I have been learning to cook, and this has helped me enormously. Since each order is complete with enough ingredients for two servings, I’m finding the process most rewarding and extremely helpful in reducing the number of trips necessary for grocery runs. I am now a regular subscriber!
5. This afternoon my granddaughter guided me via FaceTime through the installation of Netflix Watch Party. This Google Chrome extension allows groups of people to watch the same Netflix movie at precisely the same time and with a chat room on the sidebar. Tonight we will watch a film together even though we are 220 miles apart. We also decided to use FaceTime simultaneously so we can see and talk to each other while we watch the movie. Unfortunately, we each have to bring our own popcorn. 
6. As a result of the widespread concern for friends and loved ones, I have heard from and reached out to not only my regular contacts but a much wider circle of friends and family.  I find it energizing to connect and reconnect with them and serves to remind me of what a treasure they all are.
7. I started a diary earlier this week.  It will be interesting to look back on all of this, years from now and remember it from a distance.
8. I’m not in a rush anymore.  Time to notice more things.  Have you noticed how bright Venus has been in the western sky just after sunset?
9. I’m excited about the possibility of a kind of Mastermind Alliance online group.  Fortunately, the current state of technology allows us to continue supporting each other even if we can’t physically meet in the same location.
10. Lots of books to read and reread and no longer any excuses not to!
11. I found one small way to help out during this financial crisis.  I have had the same person and her team, clean my home every two weeks for about 8 years.  Suddenly she and her staff find themselves with no work or source of income.  Some of us have decided to continue her regular payments throughout this period of isolation.  Helping our local businesses in any way we can is critical to them and to our communities.
12. I’m looking forward to seeing we how we deal with cutting our own hair or coming out of this on the other side looking like hippies!

Of course it’s not all fun and games.  It’s easier to list all the challenges and losses.  But that list won’t serve me nearly as well as this one does.  Until I can hug my friends again, here’s wishing you all good health and a gentle transition to the new world that awaits.

These Are Strange Times

These are strange times.  We are all hunkering down in our own caves.  It seems like a strange, lonely, solitary time.  It is hard to get into a routine because a routine forces you to do the same thing over and over again, day after day, night after night…. being productive can be hard.  And when everything you have to do is inside your own square footage diversity is limited.  Before this crazy virus, I would meet friends for lunch, hug them, slap them on the back, laugh, whisper in each other’s faces.  Can’t do that anymore.  Will that ever feel natural again?  But to put a positive face on the pandemic,  people are making up for lost time-  doing those odd jobs around the house that we have been meaning to do for years.  

It started for me on the second day of staying put.  I looked in the mirror and decided what better time to shave off my beard and stash?  If I looked weird I could grow it back before anyone would get to see me!  Can’t decide if I like it better but it takes more time to maintain so that is a plus when you are trying to make the day go by fast.  

As I look around my house there are so many things to be done but even with all this time on my hands I am not all that motivated to do them.  Then guilt overwhelms me and I find that if I take the harshest route to a task I am more likely to finish it.  As an example, I had a sock drawer that was a so out of control I could not close it.  I began taking a few socks out that prevented the drawer from closing.  I felt myself giving up so I yanked the drawer out and just dumped all the socks on my bed.  This guaranteed my completing the job before going to bed that night. I organized them by pairs, separated the single only/dryer mishaps and then the pairs I didn’t want anymore and disposed of them.  I neatly organized the selected ones and smiled as the drawer drifted easily into place.   Each night I worry about the next day’s projects until bedtime.  It has become my new routine.  

I have made tomato sauce to last me for the next week.  Had a hard time finding macaroni (my Italian family never used the word pasta- spaghetti or macaroni!) in the grocery stores. What I did find really ticked me off.  All over the parking lots of 3 local groceries were blue plastic gloves discarded.  Why couldn’t the owners deposit them in the trash?  With a crooked stick I found in the cart corral I picked up about 12 discarded pairs and deposited them where they belonged.  I realized this could be a full time job, discarded my stick and continued my search for the elusive macaroni.

As my “staying put” continued I began to straighten out the upstairs bedrooms where my son had stayed.  He had all our old photo albums and what was going to be an organizational procedure wound up being a stroll down Memory Lane.  And what a great way to spend an afternoon.  So many incredible memories that allowed me to escape Covid-19 for several hours.  Now there are several other jobs that are needed— the books on the floor upstairs have to be organized and put away.  The cabinet under my kitchen hutch explodes every time I open the door and allow all the Tupperware and corning ware covered dishes to tumble out onto the floor must be addressed.  My back porch has to be cleaned and dusted so I can sit there when Spring starts to act like Spring.  My garage needs addressing once warmth settles over the area and my gardens need their seasonal grooming.  I just look with desire wanting to get out there and rake and clean but alas still too cold.  

So, many days I sit with my book or my Sudoku and the only parts of me that gets exercised are my mind and my fingers and right now I am ok with that.  Those other things will be there when the world gets healthy again and I can find legitimate reasons not to do them!  I have to stop now do that I can wash my hands and wipe down my phone with a sanitary wipe.

Early in my career in education, I attended a Board of Education meeting where one of the agenda items was the elimination of all Elementary Assistant Principals. As I sat in the dark auditorium, I listened to members of the community come to the microphone to express their opinions on the motion. Many spoke in support of the positions and on behalf of those of us who were about to be terminated. While most referenced the value of the position, they also celebrated the difference we made in the lives of children and families. Several talked about the contributions they felt I made to our particular school community. When it was over and, the Board moved on to the next agenda item, someone who was sitting behind me leaned forward the said, “Isn’t it nice not to have had to die to hear such nice things said about you?”

Years later, I attended a funeral and listened as a member of the family spoke tenderly and lovingly and authentically about the deceased. Having known them both for many years, I was surprised to hear the depth of caring and love that I had never heard or seen in their daily interactions. I found myself wondering if each had indeed known how the other felt.

It’s been my experience that when people speak at a funeral, they put aside the bumps, conflicts, and the “stuff” of life that often comes between people and what is left are the heartfelt feelings of the foundation of their relationship. They remember aloud to the congregation the reason they felt connected to the departed and the values they appreciated and celebrated. And it’s also been my experience to hear some of them remark later on, that they wished they had conveyed those sentiments directly to him or her, while they were alive. Somehow, we seem to think we have plenty of time to get around to those conversations, or we make the assumption that others already know how we feel. I think, often, they don’t.

My purpose here is to pass on an idea I’ve had since those early career days when that voice behind me alerted me to the celebration of my value to others that I was able to hear first hand. What if each of us made the commitment to honor someone we know by hosting a Living Eulogy? We create a venue where we invited friends and family to speak a few words of gratitude and appreciation and to acknowledge the value this person has added to their lives. I believe that most recipients, although a bit uncomfortable, would carry those words and feelings with them for the rest of their lives. And the guests would find joy and comfort in knowing they didn’t wait until it was too late to express their feelings. 

Some time ago, I shared this idea with George and a friend of his. His friend suggested I call it SIN (Say it Now), a phrase that continues the notion of pushing past the discomfort some of us have in sharing our feelings directly with friends and family. That is, we make an agreement with ourselves to seize opportunities to tell people, on the spot, what we appreciate about them. Four months ago, I lost my dear friend Ralph. Although we lived about two hours apart for most of our fifty plus years as friends, we regularly carved out time to see each other. And with each visit, we both found an opportunity to tell each other what our friendship meant to us. When he died, there was no question in my mind that he knew how I felt about him and why. There was nothing left to say other than good-bye.

A year ago last October my close friend Teresa decided to celebrate her dad, Bart.  She had been thinking about it for some time but finally spoke with her siblings and set the date.   Even though he was turning 90 at the end of December and was in relatively good health at the time, she, along with her brothers, invited her dad’s friends and family to a mid October gathering “just because.”  There was lots of sharing of memories, embellished stories that generated lots of belly laughs, and expressions of appreciation and love for this wonderful man.  As I understand it, he felt deeply moved, as did the people who came to celebrate him.  Teresa shared this with me recently.  “Two days after our celebration he was walking to his mailbox and saw his granddaughter and said to her, with his smiling eyes and infectious smile, ‘wasn’t that a great party?”  One week later he was admitted to the hospital for a gall bladder issue and one month later he died of a heart condition.

However we choose to let people know we value them, we should do so when we think of it; there may not be another opportunity…for them or for us.

As always, we’d love to hear your thoughts and stories.

Say it, Show it!

I’ve been to a few Quaker funerals over the years which are celebrations of life rather than the sadness of goodbye’s.  They always uplifted me and I’ve been able to speak at a few of my former students’ funerals.  It is truly an honor to express your impressions and gratitude for being in people’s lives for however long you are given.  My brother’s funeral was also a celebration of his life.  Several former students of his spoke and brought the place to tears.  They even sang a song from one of his musicals that he produced and directed in his  many fifth grade classes. I lost it at that point!

But so much for eulogies!  Life presents itself with many opportunities to share such feelings. Work  related testimonials, retirements, birthday celebrations, TGIF’s at the local pub.  All great opportunities to tell people how significant and important they have been to you.  People are significant in all different ways.  The co worker whose diligence and integrity have always impressed you- tell them right then and there!  The neighbor who mowed your lawn just because-tell them.  Your friends who gave up a Saturday to help you move- tell them. Your kids who did something that made you proud-  tell them. Your partner who showed how much you are loved –  don’t let these moments go unrecognized.  And if it is appropriate and the relationship is close don’t just tell them, show them. Hugs are great incentives to continue being  loving, thoughtful people.

Words have power.  Recently my daughter came to me discouraged about her work and asked me how I dealt with negative feedback and rudeness.  I had to think for a few minutes before I answered her.  I asked her if she had gotten any positive feedback and of course she had.  I asked her to weigh the positive feedback against the negative.  Which would be the most valuable? I advised her never to let go of people’s compliments and gratitude and to remind herself every time she gets criticized of the good things she has been called out for.  I really think she felt better.  I have to do that a lot myself!

In Appreciation

Hen always brings positive gifts to the table. He doesn’t waste time on gossip or negativity – he’s a builder. ‘Constructive’ would be a perfect word to describe Hen’s contribution in any discussion. His idea of a living eulogy builds on the foundational elements of a relationship – putting aside the bumps and conflicts and ‘stuff of life’ that comes between people. Rather, he focuses on what is structural, solid, and praiseworthy in a person’s architecture. 

I love the concept. It guides folks to share their feelings publically – in a group – and directly to an individual. It recognizes the positive effect of the individual’s being-in-the-world. It is affirmative.

Yet, the association of eulogy and death makes me stumble a bit – shouldn’t, but it does. It leads me to think of it as a last rite, which likely is not the impetus of Hen’s idea.  I’d need to rehearse the mechanics of the process, particularly when and how to invoke a living eulogy. Would you introduce the idea to an honoree: “Look, we’re going to hold a living eulogy for you, because you mean so much to us?” Once the event is completed, does that signal permission to slide into end of life? Is it ‘one and done’, and everything goes back to business as usual? If not, what is the logical next step?

Seems like it’s better to express these feelings continually – as Hen and Ralph did. Unfortunately, we don’t do that well enough or regularly enough, which is why Hen proposes the living eulogy. My wife and I discussed Hen’s idea. She felt that even if people felt uncomfortable with public speaking, there is benefit is simply treating this as a mental exercise – planning what you would say and acting on it at a time of your choosing.

Mark Twain famously said that ‘he could live for two months on a compliment’. We all thrive in an environment of positive feedback. I belong to a woodworking club which honors a Member of the Year at our annual dinner. We each get up to talk about the person, remember some past achievement or funny interaction, and provide a plaque and some gag gifts. The honoree feels good, but I believe that the club feels even better:  telling how you feel is a greater gift to the teller, than to the receiver. As well, the honoree is around to participate in the following year’s celebration.

And sure, a living eulogy does not have to be a formal event. What’s important is the regularity. Also, why not pay it forward? After a person is honored, ask that person to select the next honoree and plan the event? Keep it going — not ‘one and done’, but allow folks to be cycled back into the mix.

Talking to yourself out loud isn’t really crazy…right?  What about talking to people out loud who are no longer here?  Is that crazy or therapeutic? Anyway, I am getting ahead of myself. I am the last remaining member of my generation or the one ahead of me. There were 6 significant people in my life who helped mold me, who helped make me a hypochondriac, helped make me insecure,  and who led me to a confidence I didn’t experience until later in life.   I know what I am good at now, I feel secure when I attempt certain things and I think those  6 people are responsible.

For a lot of years I was angry at all of them.  I was angry at my dad cause I never knew if he would be sober or under the influence.  So many holidays were ruined as he was an unkind drunk and usually my mom, brother and I were the targets.  I hesitated bringing friends home for fear of embarrassment.  My friends thought he was great cause he would always make jokes of which I was the brunt.  They thought it was funny while I was dying inside.  Mom worked the midnight to 8 shift at the local hospital so she slept most days. And my brother was 8 years older so he was out of those house and we had little in common til I graduated college.  Then there are my three aunts, Eleanor, Edna and Dot.  They were my safety cushions-unconditional love, always and anywhere. 
They are all gone now.  The anger has been replaced by confusion and then understanding.  As I experienced parenthood I realized not everything is simple, black and white.  I had my daughter’s bedroom door slammed in my face more times than I care to admit to.  I began to realize what a hard job it is to parent. I also realized I wasn’t the easiest kid to deal with either.  
My dad enlisted in the Marine Corps in 1942 and served on Iwo Jima til his discharge in ‘45.  My brother, who knew him before the war said he was a different man when he came home.  I’m sure they had PTSD back then, probably called it shell shock. But the war obviously had an effect on him.  I couldn’t appreciate that cause I didn’t know him before, and he never talked about the war to us.  My anger lasted years after his death.
So what does all this have to do with talking out loud to dead people?  Every night I talk to all 6 of them out loud and in the dark.  The dog thinks I am talking to him!  But I finally know the questions I wanted to ask all of them. I finally  apologized for not appreciating the patience and guidance my mom gave to me. I told my brother how he guided me into a profession I was good at, and thanked my three aunts for their unwavering love of this skinny little kid.  And as a result of these one sided conversations I have a new understanding of how and why things happened and I began seeing some incredibly loving things my dad did for me- the corsages he made for all the girls at my party in 7th grade, the fight he had with my grade school principal when they wanted to retain me in 2nd grade.  My mom was a saint. She had to deal with me daily after working from midnight til 8 AM. I gained a new appreciation of my brother and an admiration for the kind of teacher he was.  i finally was able to verbalize to my aunts how much I appreciated their love and benefited from it.  I’ve asked all of them to give me a sign of some sort to let me know they are still watching over me and my kids.  i talk to them nightly. I love and miss all of them terribly.   Still haven’t heard back from any of them yet but I do believe they heard me and am open to any signs they can give!

Crazy or Therapeutic — Yes!

George raises some interesting questions for all of us.  Do we also speak to people or animals or even places/inanimate objects that were once an interactive part of our lives but are no longer so?

I do.  There are times when I’m alone and ask a question, put forth a gratitude, or declare a feeling to family members or friends who are no longer physically present in my life.  I don’t expect a response but often feel differently after I do.  It sounds therapeutic but, if I’m the only one (other than George) who does this in the world, perhaps it’s crazy.  So what is crazy?

When Wal, George, and I confer we recognize that we often have varying takes on the meaning of a word.  In order to establish that we’re talking about the same thing, Wal often refers us to Wikipedia.  Acting on that habit I found that one section of Wikipedia compares craziness to insanity and madness and describes it as “a spectrum of individual and group behaviors that are characterized by certain abnormal mental or behavioral patterns.”  It goes on to say, however, that a more informal use can refer to someone who is considered “highly unique, passionate or extreme, including in a positive sense.”  Therefore, who is to say whether the behavior George describes is good or bad, helpful or not?  Aren’t they just labels that are meaningful only to the labeler?  (Or does that sound crazy?)

George talks about how the nighttime conversations with his six departed family members have helped him reach new levels of understanding and peace with his past.  As I think about some of the “chats” I’ve had with my people, I realize that speaking aloud to an intentional person (even though they are not physically there) has a more direct effect on how I feel afterwards than just thinking it – silently – to myself.  Is it the physical sound of my own voice offered up to the person/universe that makes the difference?  I wonder.  (I just thought, “I wonder” and typed it but then I said it out loud and it felt different, more intentional.  Interesting.)  Try it!

There is an article in Psychology Today by Arthur Dobrin D.S.W. entitled Conversing with the Dead. “This isn’t talking to ghosts but a continuing source of comfort.”  In it he describes this for some, as a helpful, healing practice.

George closes his piece with him patiently waiting for a sign from each of the family members he spoke to.  I love this part.  My sisters and I would often contact each other when we were certain our mom sent a sign for one of us.  Once it was a sudden gust of wind on a perfectly calm day when a ceremony was taking place and we were all there together.  Other times it was a bird coming closer to us than it should when we were talking about her or a tug on my ear from out of nowhere when I was doing something that I was sure she would disapprove.  I/we have no evidence that it’s her.  But somehow, maybe because we want it to be true, we’re convinced it was mom. 

Crazy?  Therapeutic? What do you think?

Good Grief!

What could be wrong about talking to those people we loved who have transitioned on from this life? I think this is a means of keeping a person’s memory current – it’s instrumental bereavement; it’s good grief!

The psychologists tell us that complex bereavement can go on for years. Sometimes we are left with sentiments that have not been fully expressed, so we keep the conversations going. Having nightly conversations, as George does, is a sort of a role playing experience which keeps those stories alive. It is a way of keeping a connection with the departed, while still moving on with your life. Psychologist J. W. Worden describes these connection activities as the last stage of grieving. Another psychologist, Kenneth Doka might group this activity under ‘rituals of continuity’, which establishes that the departed are still a part of your life. Personally, I like the idea (Carl Jung’s idea) that building myths and stories about the departed is a positive and healthy activity.

The ability to talk out loud to individuals who have left for parts unknown can be therapeutic. Actually speaking the thoughts makes them more intense… after all, you have invested the energy and resolve to make a statement – an observable event (although most of us do this privately — we hope!) Some have termed this ‘directed imagery’ and it is a powerful technique in the healing process

Myself, I enjoy talking to my core family – I don’t expect an answer, but it helps to work out problems and just to say “thanks” (belatedly) for the care and kindness that was exhibited by these folks. And also to apologize for not understanding then, what you have come to understand now. It sure sounds like that is the gist of what Geo and Hen do as well.

Of course, as Hen points out, “crazy” is defined by the culture – it is outlier behavior. In a general sense, speaking to the dead may be crazy if it is obsessive; if it disables a person’s ability to effectively function in the living world. However, there are shades of gray here. I know spouses who refuse to erase the voicemail messages and telephone greeting recorded by departed spouses… and others who name pets after loved ones who have left life behind. Crazy? I don’t think so, but probably not therapeutic either.

On the other hand, you can go further down this road: digital reconstruction. All it takes is a zettabyte (yes, this is a thing) of information and Artificial Intelligence applications will – within the next decade — be able to create a digital ‘departed loved one’ that can respond to your emails and texts. This entity will use all the data known about the loved one and fashion thoughts and responses based on their experiences and predilections. See https://qz.com/896207/death-technology-will-allow-grieving-people-to-bring-back-their-loved-ones-from-the-dead-digitally/.

Or perhaps those desirous of keeping in touch real time may opt for the solutions offered through Guiding Echoes courses, such as Connect with Deceased Friends and Family, an online course advertised to “teach you to connect with loved ones who have passed away whenever and wherever you want”. You can ‘hang out’ or converse with those who have transitioned, according to the course’s author. Quirky, crazy? I don’t know – maybe it works. I guess each of us has a scale on which we rank these inclinations from healthy to quirky, along some continuum or another.

Well, it’s my turn to write the lead post – and I have an idea that I’d like to develop. But it is the usual struggle to figure out what to exclude to keep to about 600-800 words (could you write an 600 word essay on Art, for instance – might have to narrow that down a little?). In fact, the title of this piece is a bit of a double entendre: how to manage the words in our blog space, as well as discussing living in outer space. Okay, let’s proceed with both goals:  I’m going to describe a passion and conclude with a question… after all, this blog is about sharpening different points of view and I’m interested in your thoughts – so read on!

Now you have probably heard that the United States has inaugurated a Space Force (USSF) this past December. The nucleus of the USSF is the Space Operations Command (SPOC) Yes, SPOC! Whoa…!  They will be staffed by military types initially, but the plan is to create civilian career paths within the force as well. Pretty soon there will be xenobiologists, astrophysicists, social scientists, geologists, project managers and insurance salespeople joining the center. (Hey, risk insurance is huge).

Sign me up! I have been submersed in space exploration since childhood. The Moody Blues declared in their tribute to Timothy Leary that “Thinking is the best way to travel…” I simply add “space” to the premise. Of course, much of my initial exposure was a passive reception of the subject. Analog Fact and Fiction magazine has had a place in our family home before I could walk, back when it was Astounding Stories. (Note: these stories were not just ‘pretty good’ – they were Astounding!) I joined a book club at nine and read among other titles, the Gray Lensman series by E.E. ‘Doc’ Smith. (The lensman were galactic police who were equipped with the Arisian lens, which augmented their powers of mental control in order to protect the universe). Clearly, the Space Force could use these tools! And don’t forget the powers of the telepathic Slans created by A.E. van Vogt… in fact, some sci-fi fans have adopted the rallying cry: “Fans are Slans!”

At ten years old, I still remember the warm summer night when I started to read Ray Bradbury. It was like someone opened a door in my mind. Not only were the stories fresh, but the writing was excellent. And that’s the point: Science Fiction opened up POSSIBILITIES.

My tastes grew into the type of content that focused on living arrangements and day-to-day life in space. The Alliance-Union universe created by C.J. Cherryh described space traders plying their routes between spaceports – each ship a self-contained tribe and business staffed by generations of one family; essentially long haul space peddlers.  Daily life on the ship is driven by main-day and alter-day shifts, since day and night have no meaning in space.

These “story universes” portray possibilities in human cultural change as we adapt to new environments. Larry Niven’s (and Jerry Pournelle’s) Ringworld series features a lot of the hard science that would be necessary for a stable life style in long orbit. I’m not sure if Niven invented the term ‘Belters’ – those miners and traders that made their homes in proximity to the asteroid belt in our solar system, but you may have seen the social system they formed in episodes of The Expanse. Niven described how their bodies would have changed during generations in weightless or low gravity conditions in space – growing taller, darker, and more slender – and developing their own patois and libertarian ethos: a loose affiliation of free thinking pioneers. Sure, some of you will say, ‘You haven’t mentioned Heinlein, Asimov, Philip K. Dick, trekkies, wookies, Firefly, or other favorite sci-fi themes – see, even more possibilities!

Possibilities!

Many science fiction authors have built themes over a large body of work, perhaps nine or ten books devoted to exploring societal change charged with new environmental challenges and interspecies contact.  A favorite is the “Humanx universe” created by Alan Dean Foster. In this reality, humans and the poetic thranx (large mantis type insectoids) partner to explore new worlds, while adapting to each other’s cultural and physical differences.  I’ve encountered literally hundreds of different alien species! The Space Force needs this type of expertise – I’m waiting for their call.

Possibilities!

Because life is not just about connecting dots – it’s about finding new dots! It’s about opening portals. Now don’t get me wrong, I love reading other material as well. I’ve gravitated (pardon the pun) to alternately reading three books at any one time: equal measures of non-fiction, literature, and escapist fiction like sci-fi. Non-fiction keeps me grounded; literature softens my heart, but sci-fi lets me fly! So tell me: What reading sparks your imagination?

My Life in the Woods

I can always count on Wal to fire up my thinking and to cause me to dig deeper as I respond to his thoughtful and measured queries. 

As a child, I was not a reader.  While I could read adequately and on grade level, I wasn’t drawn to books as much as I was to experiential activities and television (You know, that large heavy fat box with cathode tubes inside and a black and white screen on the outside that was activated by getting up and turning a knob and that, if you tilted the rabbit ears just so, enable you to view five or maybe 6 channels!)

However, I do remember being enamored with two books that also each became a TV mini series: Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone. Both put me in awe of the adventures of woodsmen whose character and body were forged by rugged living in the natural environment.  However, having grown up in the Bronx it was unlikely I would be running down White Plains Road wearing a coonskin cap! But when I turned eight years we moved to an acre of property in the Hudson Valley that backed up to over one hundred acres of woods.  There I was convinced that emulating this folk hero would mould the man I would one day become.  As I often roamed the nearby forest most afternoons and weekends, I would imagine myself as a young Crockett or Boone, moving silently through the brush, leaving no footprints or evidence that neither man nor beast could detect.  I dreamed of easily eluding bad guys by escaping into the woods or perching in a tree, silently observing evil deed doers until I would stealthily swoop down to save the day!  These readings, further illustrated by Fess Parker, the actor who portrayed these clever, adaptive, adventurous, multi-talented backwoodsmen, tapped into something within that would remain a constant influence in my life.

I still play in the woods and I still try to move silently as I walk daily with Duke.  And, occasionally I seek to camouflage myself near a log or behind a large rock to see if I can blend seamlessly enough to disappear from Duke’s senses.  What was once a childhood escape into imaginary storybook characters remains yet today, a source of comfort and connection.

Wal wondered about living in space; I dreamed of living in the woods.

Paws and Rails

Growing up in NYC I was usually out in the streets playing with all the kids from my block til the street lights came on.  I was and still am a very slow reader so it took me a while to get through a book.  But while Wal was lost in space and Hen was following animal tracks in the woods, I was in one of two fictional places.  I read every book by a man named Albert Payson Terhune.  My favorite was a book called A Dog Named Chips, but I read every one of his dog stories and I was lost in a world of saving helpless animals from horrible situations.  I would fantasize about saving a poor neglected dog, whose loyalty to me would wind up saving me at some point in the future.  I had quite a collection of pets growing up, cats and dogs but also birds, fish, and turtles.  My premier success was a goldfish that lived in a big bowl for over 8 years.  During those formative years I really believed I would grow up to be a veterinarian.

When I wasn’t rescuing fictional animals in my imagination I was riding the rails, a hobo in a boxcar traveling across the country, meeting other fictional hoboes and discovering life outside of NYC.  This interest came from the only activity my brother, father and I ever did together. My dad bought each of us our own Lionel train set.  My brother’s was a prewar metal set and mine was a 1954 plastic steam engine with all the colorful boxcars. Both of which I still have and still work!  My dad made a platform that took up half the living room floor and came out every Christmas when we would put up our Christmas village.  My imagination would run wild. That got me interested in a series of books called Ralph on the Rails written by a man named Allen Chapman.  Ralph’s adventures had me traveling the rails with him.  He experienced train wrecks, switch towers, riding with the engineer, riding the midnight express and many other incredible adventures.  And as a friend of Ralph I got to experience it too.   Perhaps it is funny how these childhood fantasies can carry over into our adult lives but in my case, I have been fortunate enough to have shared my life with all kinds of furry friends who have enriched my life and priceless memories of my brother, father and I creating this miniature and imaginary world.  The Ralph books just enhanced my love of trains and allowed my imagination to fly not into outer space but across this land on two rails.