I’m a big fan of David Brooks. His last column for the NY Times centered on a way of looking at your life and what you tend to cultivate. He posits a dichotomy of ‘resume virtues’ and ‘eulogy virtues’. Although I find this a bit simplistic, it makes for interesting reflection. The point is similar to the case he makes in his book,  The Second Mountain. In The Second Mountain, David Brooks outlines a life cycle where we are mainly laser focused on career achievement – that’s the first mountain. After retirement, we have the challenge of assessing whether we have led a life well-lived and what we intend to change – that’s the second mountain.

He expands on this theme by discussing resume virtues – the credentials we build through accomplishment. These credentials are observable and data-oriented: awards won, degrees held, etc. In contrast eulogy virtues reflect character built through relationships: e.g., integrity and faithfulness. Brooks posits that eulogy virtues are more important for a life well-lived.

Certainly, eulogy virtues (aptly named) are how folks remember you.  We three old guys go to more funerals than we used to, as a consequence of a shrinking cohort of contemporaries. At memorials and celebrations of life, what do you see and hear? Prominently displayed will be pictures of the deceased, usually surrounded by family and friends. The love is evident. People tell stories and anecdotes and every commentary pivots on the relational goodness of the individual. As one pastor put it recently, a consistent, caring attitude is what people mean when they describe faithfulness. Eulogy virtues are what is remembered when others evaluate how they feel about you. Brooks believes that is also how we ought to evaluate ourselves – using precepts of honesty, courage, kindness, loyalty, and faithfulness.

While it is hard to argue with these virtues, I look at my own make-up and see a person who can be caring – but when taking responsibility for an assignment – is totally consumed with getting it accomplished. Relationship values tend to fade into the background. Is that completely wrong-headed? During WWII, a famous leadership study found that soldiers preferred a leader who was structured and task oriented during combat, but preferred a softer, relational touch when in barracks duty. Sheparding a group through difficult times may exhibit less relational focus, but still support virtues of loyalty and faithfulness.

Still, a good life is a process of continual improvement. Brooks characterizes this process as one where we stumble forward in life, making mistakes and building character in the process. Stumbling is a key word: barging, lurching, mis-stepping, tripping; learning from mistakes and accepting humility in the process. I see the accuracy of using the term ‘stumble’ – certainly I do enough of that! However, I’d rather substitute the term ‘strive’ — it is more intentional. I believe that we live only as we continue to strive – strive to be improve, strive to serve, and strive to understand ourselves and the world around us. When I die, I hope to be remembered as one who didn’t quit, but continued to strive.

Resume Virtues, Eulogies Virtues and the Life Between Them

Wal’s informative piece on resume and eulogy virtues was an interesting read for me. I had never thought about dividing life into two parts: a younger, work-oriented phase and an older, post-work existence.

It makes sense that when I was younger and raising a family, I focused on doing well at work and earning a good living. As I advanced in my career, however, my devotion to it became about more than just making money; I was drawn to it because I loved what I was doing. My resume virtues grew for many reasons.

Toward the end of my first career, I spent more time learning and practicing eulogy virtues. I cared about becoming a better person and incorporated my reading and personal-growth practices into helping others grow in their leadership roles at work. Now, as a fully retired person, I care more about what people will remember about me as a person and how my character traits may have enriched my relationships with them and with others.

As Wal noted, he appreciated the concept put forth by David Brooks but found it somewhat simplistic. I’ve always enjoyed neat categories and clearly defined steps in a theory or practice. They make ideas easier to remember, repeat, and learn. But they can also brush aside overlap, omit important exceptions, and overlook the complicated background details that shape real life.

In this case, it seems obvious that a person’s eulogy virtues are recognized at funerals, celebrations, and memorials not simply because someone began building character after retirement, but because they were likely “stumbling” through their working years, learning from mistakes and becoming a better person through those experiences. I see character as an ongoing development, not as two separate mountains we climb at different times in life.

And I like that Wal talks about striving rather than stumbling through life, because that is how I see him living his life. But I think, many of us stumble despite our intention as we move forward toward the eulogy portion of our lives. And, isn’t it in the stumbling that we often find the impetus for striving?

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

– A.A. Milne

Eulogies

David Brooks and I do not often see eye to eye at least politically. I fall into the very liberal category and have been called a libtard which I take as a complement. But I have always respected him for his clarity and willingness to see the other side of issues.  The classification of virtues is a great way of explaining how we live our lives and worth contemplating.  He  presents a clear picture of who we become over the span of our lives.  Eulogy virtues probably begin much earlier in life, even in our childhood years.  I remember watching my kids and how they treated our pets and other children.  That sometimes indicates a clear picture of the eulogy virtues a person will grow into in adult life.  Early on we are taught manners and respect for others as parents try to impart values on their kids. The resume virtues begin to pile up as we grow into our later teen years and early adulthood.  They are more of earned character traits and serve to help define who each of us is.

I have often thought of writing my own obituary, but then quickly dismiss the idea deciding I shouldn’t be the one who praises my own life after all others might see me differently than I see myself.  It is interesting to think of our virtues this way.  It  gives our lives some definition as to the kind of person we were.  In the course of a lifetime, it is possible to earn many resume virtues through our employment, the groups we belong to, our families and the like.  Hard work and devotion to our jobs and our interests all contribute to adding those resume virtues and over a lifetime it is possible to accumulate quite a few virtues of this nature. Combine them all together and we see a life develop in front of us that we either admire or not.  But here is my take on the whole topic.  Not being a scholar or a very deep thinker, my assessment is that perhaps the eulogy virtues play a larger role in the human makeup than the resume ones.  I would like to believe that those virtues we learn early on play a much more important role in who we become than the awards, citations, and accomplishments we accumulate over our lives.  I like to think that those early learned virtues play a significant role in earning those resume awards later on.  Without those eulogy virtues the resume ones would more than likely never have been identified or awarded!