Our last post focused on endings and farewells. I’d like to take a turn to highlight beginnings. Even at our advanced age, we three old guys engage in new starts – and don’t we all? Beginnings hold hope — and sometimes we need to be reminded that life is sweet. There is a cartoon from the New Yorker that shows two individuals looking at the display in a bakery shop. One says to the other: “Mini cupcakes never solved anything”.

I’m here to disagree.

A couple of months ago we got a call from our friends Gail and Bruce. They asked us to join them in sampling cupcakes to determine which flavors to order for their son’s wedding reception. Well, Bruce and Gail are… thorough… scientific. They share a quality I’ve observed in the characters from the Big Bang Theory; that is, the ability to step out of the frame, hold something up to the light for dispassionate examination, and then step back into the frame to enjoy the moment.

So, we visited their home and met a half dozen folks assembled for the sampling. I knew none of the people who were present, but it turns out that many of us had previously worked for IBM and stories were shared about that particular technical universe. Bruce regaled us about installing a miniature video camera (years before Go-Pro) in his model railroad engine and casting the image to a screen in real time, captivating IBM engineers at a party – and the major new product demonstration that almost failed, due to fingernail clippings in a keyboard. Each person had a story. In short, we bonded over cupcakes.

Fast forward to the actual reception. It was planned as a backyard outdoor event: “meadow chic”. It rained most of the day but cleared up just before we drove to their house. The tents, food truck, port-a-potties, parking spaces were all carefully planned, the result of months of active analysis. People found their own affinity groups under the tent – we sat with the ‘cupcake crew’ from the tasting. This was the east coast reception, which followed a west coast wedding. However, people came from as far away as Australia.

And then something extraordinary happened.

The tagline for the reception was “W-squared”, which derived from the fact that both the bride and groom family names began with “W”. Over champagne and hours d’oeuvres, friends and family members each took the mic to express their joy at this marriage. Brother, sister, mothers, fathers — all spoke, then hugged. The groom’s uncle acted as the emcee and questioned whether the earlier rain was a good or bad wedding omen – he concluded that it was a good omen, washing everything clean for their new life, symbolizing tears which have no further need to be shed.

Bruce talked about his great joy to be present. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer almost two years ago and given only months to live. You need to know that Bruce and Gail set goals and immerse themselves in the execution of the tasks. (For instance, Bruce has also published a book during this period and authors a weekly blog, but that is a tale for another time). While still in treatment, he described how the goal of witnessing at this event has helped to carry him through. Bruce expressed his love for his son Andrew and in particular, Andrew’s dedication to principle. He said that his son has made the father a better man.

In turn, each person presented a clear, transparent, and genuine sentiment for Emily and Andrew.  It was a testament to selfless good will. Each person, when in the spotlight, had to recover from heartfelt tears in order to continue. (It was pointed out that less tears have been shed at funerals). But these were tears of joy – the message clear that this was a marriage between two families, not simply between two individuals. Isn’t that way it ought to be?

However, the words that struck home were from Andrew’s twin brother, Bradley. He said kindness is underrated and that it is misunderstood as a personality trait. He made the case that kindness is a skill; the ability to consider others’ needs and respond to those needs. It is a learned behavior which can be improved. He pointed out that both Emily and his brother have that the skill of kindness and it remains strongest basis for a fulfilling life.

No sweeter words have been said. If you are looking for a reason for existence, look no further. Here’s some lines from I Don’t Believe by Paul Simon

"Acts of kindness
Like rain in a drought
Release the spirit with a whoop and a shout..."

Starting Over

Wal reminds us of new beginnings.  As I think back on my life, I recognize that experiences and relationships cycle through beginnings, middle, and endings.  In my career, I often felt the most enthusiasm and energy from beginnings.  I was also good at the early parts of the middle of a project or experience as I learned to watch it evolve and adapt to what needed more of my attention or replacing something that wasn’t working as effectively as I or we would have liked.  Once I got to the latter part of the middle where maintenance became the focus, I was less enthused and consequently less of a support to the process.  Endings were also not my forte unless the demise of one experience meant the beginning of another.

Today I am in the throes of new beginnings.  Setting up a new home in a new location has set the stage for making daily decisions about how I want to live my life.  Old routines established by space, distance, color, landscape, and such are now completely changed.  Adjusting and adapting are necessary factors as I re-establish my daily functions.  Where I make my coffee, how I navigate the landscaping as I cut the lawn, and where all of my “stuff” is located, is new.  And while some of it takes a bit of effort, most of it energizes me. 

Whereas in my apartment, my physical activity was limited to taking walks and preparing meals, presently, there is an endless checklist of things to do that require being up and about with little to no down time.  And not only am I fixing, replacing, and restoring with my newly rediscovered tools but my mind is also incredibly more active and “on” while I sort through decisions on each of these projects.  I feel fully engaged in my life throughout the day and totally exhausted at nightfall.  For me, a perfect way to be!

As if all of that isn’t enough, I am also adjusting through the newness of no longer living alone.  With the exception of a brief visit to her grandchildren in Florida or a work related trip to the Hudson Valley, Teresa is now here until late fall when she migrates south for the winter to where I will follow shortly after.  Sharing decisions on where and what on a regular basis is most certainly new and taps into all areas of my being (and Teresa’s as well).

There is a saying, “You don’t stop playing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop playing!”  Well, perhaps buying a house and starting a “move in” relationship in my mid 70’s and beginning all the new ways of living that go along with each will also help me keep my sense of youthfulness.  What if the body and mind adapt to what we choose to do and if they are fully engaged in new beginnings, they will assume we’re still able and capable?  I guess I’m going to find out.

“Take the first step in faith.  You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

 “And suddenly you know: It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”

Meister Eckhart (A 13th century German Theologian)

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

As the sun rises, so another day begins.  We have beginnings all the time many of which pass through our lives without our realization or recognition.  Endings are often more memorable and more often acknowledged.  Each day, by its very nature, is a new beginning, but it is the events that occur within those days that are acknowledged, celebrated or mourned. By my calculation I have already experienced 28,105 beginnings.  Many of those early beginnings I wasn’t much aware of.  They were significant beginnings for  me but I hardly had awareness however they were certainly substantial beginnings for my parents, brother and family.  Perhaps my brother viewed it differently as he had been in the limelight for 8 years till I came along.  “New beginnings” is redundant as all beginnings by definition are new.

As kids we have numerous beginnings, some excite us and some we look upon with trepidation or even fear- starting school, going to high school, off to college.  All these beginnings bring excitement with new friends and new places. Some I actually just gritted my teeth and pushed forward and found to my excitement they led to wonderful middles and even endings!  Next came careers, and relationships, and kids.  There is no shortage of beginnings…….then retirement, which included an uncertainty I wasn’t sure how to deal with at first.  But an opportunity arose to move to Vermont and open a Bed and Breakfast.  Plunged into that beginning with little knowledge of what I was doing I discovered I was good at it just as I was in my 35 year long teaching career.  But the characteristics of all these beginnings were similar.  New people to deal with, new scenery, new friends, new responsibilities, new tasks never before approached.  Actually in the  inn business, every weekend is a new beginning, a challenge and an opportunity to meet new friends and new rewards and the days and years fly by with regular daily beginnings we don’t even recognize or acknowledge!  Then that too, after 15 years comes to an end and we are forced to find our next beginning.  This particular retirement was harder than the first because nothing loomed in its place.  I moved back to where my kids grew up, and having just come out of a relationship there were definite scary challenges I had to deal with. Then up popped another beginning.  The chance to open an antique shop with a friend and so another leap of faith.  New scenery, new faces, new challenges.  For a guy in his early 70’s it was working out pretty well.  I got into a groove, enjoying myself being a shop keeper and then abruptly, without warning a new ending- Covid struck.  Now what?  After 52 years of working, I put my working days to rest and decided this new beginning would be a life of leisure………….or so I thought!

Perhaps because with Covid, not only did my store close down but social interaction came to an abrupt halt.  For the first time in my life I now had to learn how to be alone which included the difficult task of learning to like myself.  Like everyone else, two years passed by with little personal interaction.  My floor boards got worn down from my constant walking from my bedroom to my kitchen to my living room and back.  The scenery didn’t change,  no new friends to meet, and no opportunity to get together with the old friends.  Time passed, Covid eased, life slipped back into normal mode pretty much, however certain things I started noticing–subtle changes, ones that scared me. Now the early 70’s silently slipped to the latter 70’s and I noticed more endings occurring.  My new social life consisted of doctor appointments, lunching with former students and friends and, unfortunately funerals, the ultimate endings.

That’s why right now I am having trouble seeing the next beginning.  Even the prospect of a beginning is hard to visualize but I have been fooled before and hopefully an opportunity of some sort will be presented to me.  Unlike Wally and Henry, my glass historically tends to be half empty most of the time.  With the passing of my close friend just recently I am having difficulty visualizing my next beginning, but as the sun rises so a new day is born and with fingers, toes and eyes crossed and with nightly prayer perhaps around the corner is my next beginning!