Two things in my life have always been prominent- routines and people. My occupations always provided the routines I needed to feel comfortable and happy. Maybe that was because my childhood tended to be a little chaotic and unpredictable. My career for 35 years was totally predictable. As an elementary school teacher my life was segmented into carefully defined segments. From 8 AM til 4PM I was in my classroom from September til June. It was predictable, secure, comforting. I knew where I had to be and what I had to do. For 35 years I lived that comfortable existence knowing what to expect….most of the time. It was manageable, delegated time where I knew what my job was and what had to be done. My second career as an innkeeper of a small bed and breakfast, which lasted for another 14 years was also very regimented. Early to rise to prep breakfast, serve the guests as they came down for breakfast. When breakfast was finished it was clean up kitchen time and then on to the guest rooms to change sheets, clean bathrooms, vacuum and put in a load of wash. Then for an hour or two I could relax. As guests began returning for the day, I would make dinner reservations, and schmooze by the fire in the evening as the guests returned from dinner. It was predictable and fun, and sharing a glass of wine with people from all over the country and sometimes from around the world was very exciting. Both careers gave me the predictability and routine I needed. That certainly addressed the routine I needed but both careers also gave me the people I needed tp surround myself with. During my first career I went home to an equally predictable home, predictable in its unpredictability, but my wife and I always could talk to each other about what was going on in our lives and when scary thoughts woke you up in the middle of the night there was always someone there to calm me down. After I retired from teaching, and we were divorced the routine of the inn provided a lot of that comfort simply because of the time it took. up. Then suddenly, Air BnB came into Vermont and our small businesses were unable to compete. That is when I began to realize how much I depended on routines and people.
I was about to turn 70. Actually at 70 the job of cleaning was getting too much for me. It was hard work but I enjoyed it. Several trips up from the basement daily forced me realize I could not keep doing that. I decided to move back to the town where my kids were, and forced to live alone. No schedules to keep, no clearly defined roles to follow, and days without someone to even talk to. I filled my days with having lunch with former students, going out for drinks with other retired colleagues but always coming home to an empty house. That’s when I got my dog. It was an attempt to make up for the loneliness in my house and honestly it worked to a large degree. I talk to him, watch tv with him, have small talk in bed with him at night. The usual things dog lovers do with their pups. He was a rescue from the SPCA but in all fairness I think he rescued me as much as I did him. I think in the past I told the story of how he saved my life so I will spare you the details by not repeating the story. Anyway, days are long, hours pass slowly when you don’t have an itinerary to follow. And of course, my house began to have problems as all houses do and without someone to run the information by with, I had to depend on my own knowledge and intuition to do what I thought was best. The dog didn’t help much with that! And sometimes just the quiet in the house was overbearing and so loud I would lay on my bed and cover my head with a pillow. I am sure some of you understand.
Out of desperation and 10 years of living alone on the spur of the moment I joined a dating site. Had no idea what would happen and after several contacts of younger men in the 30’s and 40’s who really liked what I had to say and wanted to desperately meet me if I could only help them out and send them money for a ticket to return to the US we could do that. So that idea soon lost its glitter! And after a while forgot I was even on it still until one day someone from nearby and only 3 years younger than I contacted me. I heard from other dating site people that you never invite a person to your house on the first meeting- always somewhere public. Very good advice! We met for lunch at a great little restaurant in Coxsackee. We hit it off immediately and agreed to meet again,. Now here is where the problem comes in! What the hell am I supposed to do? I don’t know how to date, I am 79 plus years old. What routines do i follow? All of a sudden, my regulated, organized life got thrown into a blender. What is the schedule going to be, His routines are totally different from mine. I probably shouldn’t do this! All these crazy thoughts poured through my mind. One night shortly after we met, I was home and in bed with my dog telling him about this guy, and we decided if he liked my dog he was a keeper. So we continued to meet for lunch and eventually we went to each other’s houses and discovered we had so much in common that it was becoming easier for us to be with each other. Scheduling was difficult because there was no framework to follow. Sometimes it even was decided on the spur of the moment. Spontaneity was never my strong suit. I didn’t know how to do spontaneity, but it is becoming easier and actually I am finding it enjoyable. So perhaps it is never too old to teach an old dog new tricks. It is certainly a change in life style that I am actually enjoying now. I guess it is because I am too far away from that childhood of craziness and chaos. Oh, by the way, he and my dog are best friends.
I am developing new skills out of necessity. Two old men living alone for several years. Old guys set in their ways wanting to combine lives. I am working on the skills of understanding and patience. He had his life all arranged and I had mine. Suddenly we have to adjust. This requires patience and acceptance! It isn’t just two individuals cohabitating . There are other people involved now- Blending isn’t always easy but if this is to work it is a necessity. Not only families have to blend but pets have to adjust! Arrangements have to be made that acknowledges both families. I am not sure how this works but working together to make a workable arrangement is the plan. We are both old, set in our ways, but the prevailing need is to make the blending of lives work. This is going to require a new set of skills and compromises we never before experienced. And I haven’t even mentioned the financial, legal, and inheritance issues it brings to the forefront! Fingers crossed, prayers, vigils, time will tell!
Walking Two Old Dogs on One Leash
George writes about the exciting but challenging changes ahead as he and his new partner thoughtfully discuss the negotiations and compromises required for cohabitation. Patience and understanding are nothing new to these seasoned travelers on the road of life, but the “new tricks” may involve a deeper level of emotional intelligence—especially as they navigate newly shared living arrangements. I’m betting “Old Dog George” will not only learn these new stratagems but be happier for it.
Successful relationships require each person to understand and accept the other’s traits and behaviors. As I’ve found in my relationship with Teresa, they also require an ongoing movement toward each other. By that I mean not expecting her to change to suit my ways, but instead working with the behaviors that challenge me—adapting where I can and respectfully explaining when I can’t.
Sometimes this helps us both feel accepted and understood. Other times, simply stretching and being more flexible beyond my firm (dare I say rigid?) approach to daily habits actually makes me less stressed and much easier to live with. Go figure! In doing so, I often find Teresa meets me halfway without my even asking—a total win-win.
None of this is easy, George. But with mutual respect—and a clear sense of why you’re choosing to meet these challenges together—there is every reason to believe it will work. One other thought: two people who have spent years living by their own rules may occasionally need time apart to refresh and recharge. What that looks like is different for everyone, but discussing it up front might provide a helpful option down the road.
Your piece prompted me to reflect on my own experiences, and I offer these thoughts simply as friendly considerations. Wishing you both a wonderful journey.
“You are never too old to set a new goal or to dream a new dream.”
– C.S. Lewis
Old Tricks
George writes about navigating the details of a very new relationship. Hen brings suggestions for a relationship that has found its groove. I guess I’ll reflect on a very old relationship!
Linda and I have been married for nearly 57 years. By now, we have stored in muscle memory all the moves in our choreography. And yet, we aging dancers have to adjust our steps to accommodate lifestyle and physical changes. In conversation, Hen made the point that learning new tricks is a lifelong process – he’s right! However, I wonder if it is just as important to not forget old tricks we’ve learned!
I could make the case that Linda and I have had years of practice to adjust to one another – and that’s true. We are trusted partners. However, that statement glosses over the importance of recognizing age and stage challenges — and how that alters our expectations of one another. It is an “old rookie” mistake to let a relationship fall into rigid patterns and behaviors. I believe that fine tuning can be helped by three old tricks:
- Have your partner’s back – Always. Full stop. Be the most dependable ally.
- Make room. Make room physically — but mostly in your heart – to allow the other to grow and change. Make it okay for the person to not be their best all the time; to allow for exploration, false starts and achievements.
- Step back and see the humor: When conflict arises, fight earnestly, but end with humor. After all, no one will remember this moment in fifty years (at least at our age – adjust the timeframe as needed).
The details of change will fall into place if these guiding principles are used. Since I’m good at bad analogies, try this one: life is like roller derby. Do you remember when this was popular on tv in the 50’s? I used to watch somewhat horrified as a kid as jammers and blockers battled to contain one another as they whizzed around a roller rink. The points in each “bout” were gained by launching one team’s skater past all the obstacles and ahead of the pack. Well, there are times when life is a scrum – elbows are thrown and bumps are encountered. I’d like to be one of the partners that helps to launch my partner ahead of the pack. In the process, we may have some miscues, but we can work them out.
As Linda sometimes says: “I’m always thinking of you, Wal – but sometimes my thoughts are not nice.” We laugh and skate on!
Three Old Guys Walked Into A Bar 