How carefully do you chose the words you speak? Do you pause to find the best word you know to match your meaning or intention as closely as you can? Do you over promise and under deliver when you give someone your word? When you say, “ Let me be honest…” are you saying you’re not honest with your words unless you state that you are? What is your relationship with words? Do you understand how you are perceived by the words you chose and how correlated they are to your actions…for others as well as yourself? Do you believe that your words influence your thoughts (through energy) and your thoughts have the power to manifest happiness, success, and self-healing?
I am drawn to people who “walk the talk.” When my friend says he’ll meet me at 6:00 and is consistently there on time or early, I can trust that with rare (and out of his control) exception that’s what I can count on. In turn, I reciprocate. I trust less (and am drawn less) to the person who is inconsistent with keeping their word. This doesn’t mean I’m rigid or inflexible. I am okay with someone who (knowing they have difficulty keeping to their word regarding being on time) gives me a time range they can commit to. This gives them flexibility they require and gives me the information i need to plan my schedule.
Recently, it seems to me, words are given more casually and with less intention as if to say, I’ll try but I’m not making any promises. And, that appears to be “good enough” for most people today. I understand the appeal. If I accept that when someone tells me they will do something and they don’t or if they do it’s not entirely what they said, then I might feel less obligated to keep my word. And if I feel that makes my life a bit easier because I can pay less attention to holding and being held accountable, I can make easier, more palatable choices for myself with little to no consequences. It feels to me like we as a society are drifting in that direction. Do you agree or do you see it differently?
I am in the process of developing a friendship with a neighbor who is relatively new to me. I love the way he thinks, his deep knowledge about many different disciplines peeks my curiosity and challenges my ideas about certain things. I would describe him as a polymath. (How’s that for a word in a post about words?) One of the things I enjoy about him is his ability to break complex concepts into words that help me understand what he’s describing. Often, in conversation, he will pause before he speaks as if he’s first gathering and organizing his thoughts, pushing them through a series of personalized filters, and then speaking his mind as precisely as he wants to be heard. Recently, he appears to be expanding the range of his vulnerability filter as we spend more time together.
I also admire my dear “3 Old Guys collaborators” and how they use words. George fuses his language skills and love of conversation to spin a yarn, tell a story, and reminisce. An expansive conversationalist, he weaves his stories with humor and emotion often making for a compelling listen.
Wal, is a wordsmith with the gift of articulating a clear and engaging notion with brevity and wit. While George entertains me, Wa makes me think. His ability to make connections between and among, historical fact, religion, personal anecdotes and the written word, readily and in such a seamless manner is unparalleled in my experience. I am blessed to have reconnected with these men at a time when I can appreciate them for what they offer.
Early on in bogging infancy we wrote about Don Miguel Ruiz’s first agreement – Be Impeccable With Your Word. Going beyond being honest with others, it extends to avoiding talking badly to oneself. Derogatory or negative name-calling about ourselves can do no good and can only reinforce harmful perceptions about who we are. The concept that words are powerful enough to do harm or good to those who are the recipients of such thoughts is echoed in other readings we referenced over the life of our posts and rejoinders. I’m in the middle of reading The Silva Mind Control Method by Jose Siva and Philip Miele. It contends that our thoughts (words being the instrument for thoughts) create the energy to impact our cells and thus our physical and emotional well being. The authors argue that being able to tap into and control those thoughts/words to use in a helpful manner is not only a proven scientific fact but can be taught. Stay tuned as I finish the book and practice their suggestions for enhancing my ability to self heal!
Do you have any stories about the power of words? We’d love to hear them!
“A Man’s Only as Good as His Word” – Rodd Thunderheart – author of See Through Love
Word is Bond
After a second read, I think Hen is really talking about making commitments and being predictable, not about the words and language used. I agree that on a purely transactional basis, we prefer to deal with individuals who actually do what they say they will do. I say ‘purely transactional’, because sometimes we don’t want people to do the things they say they will do!
A subtext to Hen’s post is that ‘words have consequences’ which became quite a meme during the election cycle. Playing loose with language can create havoc: false claims, red herrings, over-hyped platitudes, emotionally- invested labels, and ambiguous messages distort how people rationally process communication. Is that really new?
But do I agree that ‘giving one’s word’ counts for less than it used to? I’m not sure. Yes, I do agree that it’s hard to count on folks doing what they committed to do. Anyone who has depended on a contractor to do work on time, on budget, can understand that there’s a certain amount of wiggle room in the process. And aren’t we pleasantly surprised when statements are backed up with results? The ‘surprise’ part of the reaction kind of says it all.
But is that new – is it increasingly true that people discount their word? I can see evidence to support that in our little restaurant business. My son schedules interviews for open positions on his days off – Monday or Tuesday. Most never show up. Tim will text them – and they usually answer with a tragic excuse. They ask for a reset and a new appointment which invariably is not kept. Perhaps the fact that “gaslight” and “ghosting” are terms recently added to the lexicon proves Hen’s point.
Yet, I have a hard time accepting that such behavior is increasing. Maybe that’s just a yearning, rather than a conclusion. People are molded by their circumstances… and some do not like being cornered into making commitments: they want to keep their options open. Some individuals will say what think others want to hear, because they cannot find it in themselves to understand or express that they are not invested in the outcome – or incapable of meeting the request.
Thirty years ago, I was part of an industry and school system task force to evaluate life skills certifications for our local high school. As part of the process, employers were asked what were important transferrable skills needed to supplement subject related knowledge. Items such as reliability/dependability, time keeping, clerical skills and accuracy checking, and so on were raised. These attributes were translated into learnable skills: keeping appointments, time tracking, basic social greeting skills, practical goal setting by breaking jobs into manageable components, using word processing and office applications. We incorporated some written certifications into various curricula for all graduating seniors. Perhaps these actions don’t work over the long haul – or perhaps people have been complaining of the paucity of those behaviors for thousands of years. For me, the jury is still out.
Words by Anne Sexton
Be careful of words,
even the miraculous ones.
For the miraculous we do our best,
sometimes they swarm like insects
and leave not a sting but a kiss.
They can be as good as fingers.
They can be as trusty as the rock
you stick your bottom on.
But they can be both daisies and bruises.
Yet I am in love with words.
They are doves falling out of the ceiling.
They are six holy oranges sitting in my lap.
They are the trees, the legs of summer,
and the sun, its passionate face.
Yet often they fail me.
I have so much I want to say,
so many stories, images, proverbs, etc.
But the words aren’t good enough,
the wrong ones kiss me.
Sometimes I fly like an eagle
but with the wings of a wren.
But I try to take care
and be gentle to them.
Words and eggs must be handled with care.
Once broken they are impossible
things to repair.
Manner, Time, and Place
When I read Henry’s essay I wasn’t sure what I could add to the discussion. Even now as I sit down to write my contribution I am still not certain how to be relevant to the topic. Words were always important to me and I remember as a young person I would marvel at adults who could speak in clear coherent sentences with big impressive words included in those sentences. I remember early on being turned off by people who would verbally include words that really added nothing to the sentence but perhaps were fillers until the words they were looking for popped into their minds. For example, inserting the word “LIKE” several times in a sentence drove me nuts. I was driving to the like grocery store. I wanted to yell, “Were you driving to the grocery store or not?” Or, “I had to, ya know, pick up something for dinner.” How the hell would I know what you had to pick up! I was very careful not to include those two, for lack of a better word, expressions in my speech. Even today on TV news programs during a question and answer segment the narrator will ask a question and a guest will answer it by saying, “Well, I mean, it was an invasion of our privacy, bla bla bla!” How do I know what you mean when you didn’t tell us what you meant ? I am sure there are other examples of exact speech atrocities that we all have heard. During my teaching days, each morning on the chalk board (I’m dating myself cause it wasn’t a green board or a white board, but a chalk or black board) I would write a word of the day with its definition, and any student who used that word during the day either in conversation or in writing would get extra credit. I am not sure if it improved the kids’ vocabulary but it certainly expanded mine. Many of those words on the board I still use today. I still experience a sense of ennui when I am home alone and have nothing important to do with myself.
In the course of writing that rambling paragraph, I came up with an idea I want to express. There are many types of words and I don’t mean nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs but rather words used to describe different emotions. We could even classify them as different types of languages.. There is the language of love. Words of love are usually softly spoken with tenderness and close to the person who is the object of that love. It is often accompanied with gentle touch, hugging and tenderness. Smiling also accompanies the words and a warm sensation runs through the body as it happens. It is a wonderful feeling and often lasts within us for a long period of time. It is directed at an audience, lover, child, parent, pet and the vocabulary is usually adjusted for the particular audience. Words are carefully selected to enhance the expression of the love you want to share. Your words are different if you are addressing your child versus your husband or wife or dog, as well they should be, but in all instances touch is usually essential to the overall expression of the feeling you are trying to communicate. In juxtaposition, there is the language of anger. The words used in anger are often pronounced louder than the words of love, with a sharper tone. The purpose of these words is to cause discomfort in the individual they are directing the tirade at(sorry, at which they are directing the tirade). Angry words are often accompanied with dramatic body movements- stamping of feet, slapping of hands against our sides, pounding fists on tables. I have to include this thought. I remember as a kid around 1954, my family was watching probably Walter Kronkite where they showed a newsclip of Nikita Kruschev speaking at the UN and banging his shoe on the desk screaming, “We will bury you!” I remember it because it scared the Hell out of me. The language of anger is also terminated with the angry party storming off and slamming the door behind him. Unfortunately today, the language of anger overwhelms the language of love and I think we need to adjust that soon.
There are several other languages as well that are common to all national languages on the globe but have different sounds to them. There is the language of confusion. The words used in that English language often begin with “Huh?” Sometimes, “Wha?” and often followed with expletives. People speaking confusion are often seen shrugging their shoulders, arms bent at the elbows and palms facing upward. Facial expressions usually include exaggerated forehead wrinkles, often one eyebrow raised, and head tilted to one side. This is not to be confused with the language of fear which can often be expressed slightly differently. Fear usually starts with words like, “What the…?” but the body language is a little different than confusion. A fearful person is usually turning his head back and forth, looking for danger around him. His eyes are quickly swirling around in their sockets in order to see the danger coming at them. Words of protection are used……..be careful…….look out……..duck. And most importantly on their minds is escape!
I would be remiss if I were to omit the language of learning. It is often recognized by the use of words that question things. Unlike most of the other languages, the words in this language are usually followed by a question mark. The voice speaking these words often rises in pronunciation toward the end of the word or sentence. Are you going to the store? The word store rises in the voice box to indicate that it wants to learn something. These learning words include WHO? WHAT? WHEN? WHERE? WHY? and possibly, ARE YOU CRAZY?
In conclusion, I am afraid I think differently than many people. I am not scholarly, and am not involved in deep intellectual thinking because I am not sure I have the capability of that kind if thought. Humor and sarcasm are more my style. I admire Hen and Wal for the way they think and are lifetime learners. But I do love language but just at a lower level. I will share one last teacher story. When I was teaching fourth graders grammar I would always try to find a hook to get the kids involved because grammar can be deadly. I came up with this wacky idea to teach the class about adverbs, normally a very dry lesson. Adverbs are pf three types. Adverbs of manner tell how an action (verb) was done. Adverbs of time tell when an action (verb) was done, and adverbs of place tell where an action(verb) was done. Dry, dull, boring lesson and more than likely not remembered beyond playground time. BUT— by making an adverb Conga Line where the entire class got up, stood in a line with their hands on the person’s hips in front of them and began singing, Manner, Time and Place, UUNNHHH! and kicking one foot out on the UUNNHHH, as we danced in a line around the classroom I hoped it would help them to remember that. I still have students in their 50’s who may remember not much else from 4th grade, but remember dancing around the room singing manner, time, and place. What more can I say?
Three Old Guys Walked Into A Bar 