Walking the Senior Balance Beam

Somewhere between the acceptance of my diminishing capacity due to aging and the notion that I am capable of maintaining my current level of physical and mental activity lies a balance. And living in this balance, is, for me, the best way to enter the winter of my life.  In other words, while I won’t deny that my abilities and reaction time are diminishing, it is counterproductive to add to those limitations by reducing my activities and mental mindset.  I believe, it only accelerates the aging process whereby continuing to participate at the present level of activity along with the mindset that “I can” prolongs my current status until I naturally succumb to less.

Sometimes I hear senior-speak accelerate acceptance of their age.  In anticipation that they will no longer be able to play singles pickle ball or hike 5 miles, or stay out past 9:00 pm, they will only play doubles, only go on hikes that are 3 miles or less, or turn down evening events that are scheduled to end at 10:30.  The more we tell ourselves that we are no longer capable, the more we become no longer capable.  

On the flip side,  I hear seniors overstate their abilities in spite of their age.  In denial of the fact that they tire more quickly or cover a singles court at a slower pace, they tell themselves they are as fit as ever and either use excuses to cover their less than youthful performance or convince themselves they must work harder.  While this feels like a more positive approach to aging, it may lead to more frustration and stress as they seek to stay fixed in a state that is no longer able to be sustained.

Somewhere within all of the thinking and beliefs and expectations seniors have for themselves, there is a balance.  A place where we continue to challenge ourselves to do our best without comparison or expectation or need.  In The Four Agreements, by Don Miquel Ruiz, the fourth agreement (Always Do You Best) is defined as, “Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.”  And, of course, in doing our best, we simply (this is hardly simple!) accept whatever the outcome.

And so, it is easier for me to accept whatever my best looks like, if I change my old concept of balance in which everything is in a perfect state of stasis. In this case the image is both people on the see saw are of the exact same weight and sit on a horizontal plane across from one another.  This is how I used to interpret balance.  Now, I see balance as more fluid, as moving gently from the middle to 5 or 10 degrees either way.  I now accept that I’m in balance if I’m a bit lopsided in the up position one day or perhaps off center in the down position on another.  I am only concerned when I’m closer to the extremes.  Formerly a rather rigid thinker, I’m allowing myself to become a bit more flexible.  This permission gives me the comfort to accept my less than perfect attempts at whatever I do, to fall within the “okay” realm as I continue to live my senior life walking along my redesigned balance beam.

“If you think you can do a thing or you think you can’t do a thing, you’re right!”

-Henry Ford

On Balance

Hen raises an important subject – maintaining balance, particularly within the aging process. Reevaluating the boundaries of reasonable expectation is a constant exercise. When we were younger, we might count on improving physical skills with practice and experience. On the down side of seventy, there’s a bit more internal negotiation that needs to take place. I guess this is the dynamic balance that Hen talks about: don’t sell yourself short, but don’t set unrealistic goals. Someone’s advice to me was, “whatever you did yesterday, continue to do it tomorrow – right up until the point where you can’t; then adjust”.  

In order to achieve balance, It’s been said that we have three abilities to draw from: the power to stand; to withstand; and to understand. The power to stand is action-oriented – to stand up and take a step, move forward, even though it may be hard to do. It draws on energy and courage. It’s our positive motive.

The power to withstand relates to endurance and adjustment. This strength flows from our ability to adapt to changing circumstances, while keeping core values in sight.

Power to understand portrays our skill in discernment. Analyzing our environment and developing a course of action derives from our ability to understand.

If you were a pilot, the power to stand would be the horsepower of your jet engine and the amount of fuel available for your journey. The power to withstand represents the integrity and agility of the aircraft, which allows you to trim the ailerons to change altitude or direction. It helps you to deal with heavy weather and navigation. Your ability to understand, aids in setting a safe, but efficient and interesting flight plan. These three abilities work together to maintain balance, in my opinion.

Now, in our discussion, George raised the point that sometimes, overwhelming circumstances obliterate any hope of balance: no fuel for the aircraft, hurricanes on the horizon, or broken navigational aids. In our life, we’ve seen people laid low with serious illness and devastating personal setbacks. Yet, I’ve found that even when facing terminal illness, friends that I know have found some sense of balance and adjustment to a ‘new normal’ of diminished options. In fact, it’s really amazing that we can alter our range of expectations so readily. Perhaps that’s why Hen warns of limiting ourselves too early… we get what we expect.

An interesting take on expectations comes from a post in letslearnslang.com:

The Symphony of Unforeseen Wishes

In the silence of our solitude, expectations hum a melody,
Painting pictures of tomorrow, shaping our destiny.
They dance like playful shadows, by the moon’s silvery glow,
Weaving patterns of hope and fear, in the ebb and flow.

These silent whispers of the heart, these sparks in the mind’s night,
Illuminate the path ahead, a beacon of spectral light.
They are the architects of dreams, the cartographers of desire,
In the forge of their promise, we stoke our inner fire.

But expectations, like all gifts, possess a double edge,
They can lead us to the mountaintop or to the precipice ledge.
For when reality bites, and dreams start to fade,
The echoes of unmet wishes can cast a long, dark shade.

Yet, in the grand tapestry of life, they play a crucial part,
Pulsating like a steady rhythm in the symphony of the heart.
They are our north star in the abyss, our compass in the unknown,
Guiding us through the labyrinth of life, to a future yet unshown.

So, navigate with caution, in the sea of these silent pleas,
Where the waves of expectations can drown with subtle ease.
Balance your dreams, your ambitions, your quest for the sublime,
With the understanding that every dream may not shine in time.

Savor the voyage, the adventure, not just the final goal,
Find joy in the making, in the growing of your soul.
For expectations are but whispers, not our absolute decree,
In the chaotic, beautiful symphony of our life’s spree.

Understand that life’s true treasures often lie in the unseen,
In the resilience forged, the wisdom gleaned from where we’ve been.
Even when expectations crumble, or seem to steer astray,
The spirit of perseverance, of hope, will light the way.

So, let your soul echo with expectations, let them take flight,
But ground them with understanding, with gentle, loving insight.
For the symphony of unforeseen wishes can play a bitter-sweet tune,
In the silent hours of longing, under the watchful moon.

And know, dear voyager, in your pursuit of the ideal,
That success is not always about how you make the world feel,
But about the heart that persists, that loves, that dares,
Despite unmet expectations, and the burdens it bears.

For the worth of our journey, when all is said and done,
Is not in the fulfilled expectations, nor in battles won,
But in the heart that, despite the trials, the hardship, the strife,
Stands resilient and hopeful, singing the symphony of life.

A Balancing Act

My life has always been a balancing act.  Not to suggest that there weren’t large amounts of time when things seemed to be in perhaps not perfect balance but at least close to it.  When I was a  little kid it was my job to keep an eye on my dad to make sure he wasn’t drinking too much while he was preparing dinner.  He wouldn’t get mad at me the way he did my mom or older brother so I was the bourbon police.  What a responsibility that was for me.  I would be responsible if he drank too much and got sloppy.  I hated to be the house spy and the weight of the responsibility I had as a little kid was overwhelming.  When I started school I was the little kid, shortest in my class, bullied by the bigger kids all the way up through junior high.   I used to have to either get out of school quickly and run home or wait inside the school doors til the other  kids got a head start and then maybe I could make it all the way home without getting picked on or beaten on. I only wish Robert Gross, my nemesis in 7th grade is reading this. Just the weight of knowing what the options were threw my whole  life at that point out of balance.  It wasn’t til I began high school that I began to feel more secure and accepted.  I was still small  and skinny but for some reason, the hoods were too busy smoking in the bathrooms to be picking on us small kids and I began to find my niche which truly brought some balance to my life.  The world seemed at that point to get easier.  No more looking around corners or planning my escape routes.  Life became simpler, more naturally easy and I found my place in the world  that surrounded me.  Fortunately that was just the beginning of the period of balance in my life as I became even a little popular in high school. That gave me the expectation of it continuing through college, a reasonable expectation.  As my world grew bigger the balance seemed to even out.

College was a hoot, and expanding my world allowed me to interact with all kinds of people including more people like myself.  Balance wasn’t a concern, it was just naturally occurring.  Of course campus life and independence overpowered any concerns about anything else and fun became the focus of the new society I was part of.  It wasn’t til senior year was ebbing when the next wave of imbalance struck. Will I get a job?  Will I even like the job I had been preparing myself for for the last 4 years?  Where will I live?  Marriage, family, home, all started tilting the balance to where I almost fell off the tight rope.  That was a tricky period but one by one things began to fall into place.  The job I was worried about I, fell in love with.  I got married and we bought a house, that long rod that tight rope walkers use to balance their bodies high in the air was getting easier to manipulate and more experiences piled up in the good balance column.  I was feeling at ease with myself, confident of my job and this continued for a good decade and only started to get off kilter when the kids entered those difficult teen years where every parent is tested for capabilities beyond their control.  Those factors of balance were beyond the control of us all and were foisted on us to deal with as aptly as possible, usually clumsy and feeble attempts guiding us through those unbalanced times.

Unbeknownst to me a huge hurdle was about to be thrown at me that I assumed would wreck my balance for good but turned out quite the opposite.  Having hidden my being gay all my life I thought I could simply go on hiding it.  But circumstances developed that required me to make one of the most major decisions of my life.  I decided to come out at 46—-everywhere!  In for a penny, in for a pound as the expression goes.  To obtain any kind of balance that I had recently lost, I had to be truthful in all aspects of my life.  Of  course work was the hardest.  I came out to my principal and colleagues, then friends and family.  To my great surprise it wasn’t a big deal- well to them it wasn’t, and many expressed their knowledge of it for a long time.  In the moment of truth, my life fell into balance like it had never done before.  The panic attacks I had been experiencing for a decade mysteriously disappeared, my gastro -intestinal attacks from colitis and an ulcer eased and my life actually became calmer and more relaxed.  I was once again more balanced.  The truth set me free!  It opened up a whole new realm of exciting possibilities and gave me the confidence to face retirement from teaching head on and opened up a second career for me in the hospitality industry.  A second career I came to absolutely love.  How many people can say they had two full time careers they truly loved?  Balance at work!

Which brings us to today…….Truth requires me to admit this is the last quarter of life for me, and as of now I am still on the right side of the grass, which is something in itself.  However, balance has taken a new form at this point in life, a harder one to deal with.  Before the world had always been expanding, more opportunities, new friendships, experiences.  Now I find the world shrinking, opportunities not being offered unless you consider 10% Senior discounts as opportunities, and of course the most vicious of all, the loss of friends and family.  It is no longer a distant threat with the loss of colleagues, old school buddies, new diagnoses around every bend.  When two old friends meet and begin to converse, the topic of conversation invariable goes to where does it hurt,  how long have you had it,  what meds do you take?  Henry calls these conversations “organ recitals.”   That is a perfect description of these talks and we all have them.  Now I didn’t want to get morbid but the simple truth is balance is much harder at this point in our lives.  Hen and Wal are already gritting their teeth with my “Glass half empty” view of life so let me finish by saying, there is something to be said for years of experience and knowledge gained from all our years of living.  We know how to navigate through a lot of rough water, and have built  in defenses that support us and quell our fears.  We do a damn good job of that but it just has to be said that balance  is harder now adays!  Try putting on your briefs standing up!  Try balancing on one foot for 15 seconds at a time.  Try staying calm after the fifth day in the row of finding the newspaper in the flower bed instead of in the newspaper box by the walkway.  Try remembering what day of the week it is if you forgot to take your pills this morning!  And I might add, a half empty glass allows me to fill it up again with wine!  Wine does wonderful things for balance….you just “forget about it,” as Archie Bunker used to say!